Documentation To Prove I Am Not Crazy

You know, it's really amazing how crazy I feel trying to keep my baby happy. It's like I walk on eggshells trying to keep him from crying. Here's the proof that I am not making things up.

We started like this . . . . . . then went to this . . .
. . . which developed into this . . .

. . . and ended with this.
Yep. I either have a three month old with a personality disorder or a very temperamental, hard to please, spoiled and intense child. Hmmm . . . maybe it's all the same thing?

What Happened To My Newborn?

This afternoon I picked up Jack and I wondered . . . where did my newborn go? He is getting so big. At his last doctors appointment Jack weighed 12 pounds and measured 23.5 inches. He rolls over, holds his head up, reaches for toys, brings EVERYTHING up to his mouth, smiles and giggles all the time.

I am loving every stage of this . . . but I am feeling a bit nostalgic today.

Here are a few pics a good friend took the week Jack was born.

Formula Help? Please?

Jack has been strictly breastfed since he was born, but someday I would like to be able to leave him for a bit and go out! :) We have been attempting formula here and there - but every time we give Jack formula he turns into a monster after. Like bloody murder screaming. I think the formula is upsetting his tummy. We have tried a few kinds, even soy formula. Any suggestions for babies with sensitive tummies? Please?

Pure Joy

Doesn't this picture emulate pure joy?

Rolling Over

It happened! And I wasn't there! I put Jack onto his tummy and ran into the other room for a minute. When I came back in he was on his back! He rolled over! Still waiting to see it . . .

And A Day

As of today Jack is a day older than Gavin lived to be. Some may say that is a morbid thought. I say that is our reality. And it's all I can think about today.

I know this is a very personal post - I hope you don't mind me sharing my inner thoughts and a part of my grief. I think about this day in Gavin's life. It was the day after we said good bye. That day was full of emotions. I felt so much peace, but we were in the midst of making some decisions a parent shouldn't ever have to make.

A parent shouldn't ever have to pick out a two foot casket or decide on a resting place for their child. But reality is that some parents do. Some children leave this earth and some stay. I don't know why Gavin's mission was to return at only three months and one day and Jack has been allowed to stay. I don't know why Gavin was given a body that didn't function well and why Jack has a healthy normal body.

However, I do know that time has helped us heal. I never thought I could say that. The pain is always there, but time has helped me see and understand the bigger plan. Time has given me the chance to accept what I cannot change and to have another chance to love another little boy.

I never knew I could love another little boy the way I love Gavin, but I do. And I appreciate Jack more than I ever imagined I would have.

This day is a big day for our family. We are finally beginning to feel like we get to "keep" Jack - and that is a miracle.

Jack Is Three Months Old

I can't believe Jack is already three months old! In some ways it feels like forever and in other ways it feels like I blinked and he grew. I have commented over the past week or so that I don't have my "newborn" anymore - he is growing up.

This month Jack:

is holding his head up

laughing and giggling a lot
sings VERY loud when we sing to him
loves to take naps in his swing

sleeps from 11:00 to about 6:30

still hates tummy time

has started to DEMAND attention (he yells at me if I am not looking at him)

needs to be with me every single minute

can stick out that bottom lip until it breaks my heart

cries less but still has his fussy times at night

loves to play with mom and dad right before he falls asleep

This last month Jack has also:

Gone to Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Dave's cabin

Helped dad decorate his room

takes lots of naps with dadHelped decorate big brother Gavin with Easter decorations
Spent Easter weekend with the Bailey Family in Salt Lake City
Had a visit from the Easter Bunny who brought him a new bouncer seat and books
Wore a cute new Easter outfit

Every day I find I am more and more grateful for this little monkey in our lives. He has helped heal part of my broken heart and has helped us find joy in so many small things.

Please Meet . . .

The new and (ahem) improved Bailey siblings . . .

Ralph Rottinggrape, Papa Vito, Marilyn Merlot, Heddy (something I can't remember), Otto Van Schnopps and Tiny Bubbles.

No, we aren't totally losing it. . . we were playing a murder mystery dinner game set in Napa Valley with Jason's sibling this weekend when we went up to Salt Lake City. The game was fun . . . but we nearly all peed our pants laughing while we "dressed" our parts. OUTTA CONTROL! Even our own children were giving us strange looks . . . wonder why . . .

Giving Up That Perfection

I sat in my rocking chair this morning holding a sleeping baby when my sweet husband kissed the top of my head and as he left for work he said, "I love you and I appreciate all you do." All I do? I sat and thought about that for awhile.

For those of you who know me and have read my blog for awhile, you know that I cherish motherhood above all else. There is NOTHING I would rather do than be a mother to my sweet boys. However, those of you who really know me know that I tend to be hard on myself. You would know how inadequate I feel and how I set unrealistic expectations for myself. Perhaps you could call me the "Clark Griswold" of motherhood.

See, I grew up with the Bionic Woman as my mother. I have watched her tow cars, install toilets, mow the lawn, and scrub her house. I have then watched her graciously attend black tie events, travel the world, serve in church callings and care for her parents, children and neighbors. Really, there is nothing my mother can't do. In fact, if I do something particularly amazing Jason will often say, "Wow! That was Cindy-status!" It is the supreme compliment to me.

Today as Jason told me how he appreciates me, I couldn't help but think about how I can't meet up to my own expectations. I know all women feel this way at times . . . so I think many of you may understand. I hope . . .

When I was pregnant with Gavin I had a vision of how I expected things to be. Well, that didn't go the way I anticipated AT ALL and so when I found out I was pregnant with Jack, I revamped my thoughts on motherhood. Hopefully they were more concrete and meaningful. Still with all the appreciation and gratitude in my heart for Jack, I still had expectations for myself that I can't seem to meet.

I expected that I would have a sparkling clean home, dinner on the table every night and showered in the morning. I thought that I could make it to the gym every day and play tennis with my mother once a week. I thought I would be able to catch up on my scrapbook and organize my home videos. I thought we would go out with friends every Saturday night and that our baby would be so good he could just come along. I thought I would spend hours in the rocking chair with at baby who loved to cuddle as much as I wanted to cuddle him. It just hasn't gone that way . . .

Please don't misunderstand my criticism on myself as being ungrateful. Grateful doesn't even seem to fit the way I feel - it's more like supreme gratitude. I have a healthy baby who has made it here to stay with us. I can't ask for more than that. Now, I just have to accept my feeble attempts of being a mother and wife to my three amazing boys. I may not be the ideal mother and wife, but I am trying hard. I guess I am striving for progress.

I Think My Baby Hates Me . . .

. . . cause he has done nothing but scream at me for the past two days. ARGH!

Strike A Pose

This is how I found Jack sleeping this morning.

Jack Laughing at His Daddy

Once again, the video is from my phone - poor quality.

We were walking through the mall parking lot and Jack started laughing when Jason talked to him. Pretty darn cute!