Beautiful Irony

I started writing this last week, but it was too difficult to complete. Here is my second attempt:Gavin James Bailey's baby blessing. October 27, 2007 at Primary Children's Medical Center.

Last Monday - October 27, 2008 - I laid in bed remembering all that was happening on that night one year ago. My mind wandered to that night where I laid in a hospital bed holding my baby boy who was in the process of drifting off to Heaven. I held him in my arms and Jason wrapped us both in his. My heart broke as the three of us laid there together that night - and as I reflected on those last few hours it was like a time machine of emotions. All of those same feelings came back. Jason and I talked about the memories of that night. The good and the difficult as well. We both came to the conclusion that the peace we felt overshadowed the pain that night. Still, this year I cried as I thought about that night and the emptiness that we now feel without our sweet baby Gavin here.

As we talked about last year, we received a tender mercy. I felt our new little boy kick and squirm all over. Jason and I spent the rest of the evening feeling this new little life kick and move. I can't believe how much I already love him!

It amazes me how Heavenly Father takes and gives. We have been told that we will get back more than is ever taken away. I like to think that Gavin's return to Him was a joint effort between the four of us.

It just felt a bit ironic remembering the night Gavin left us while I felt this new sweet boy kick and remind us that happiness will happen again. There is a quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that says, "You have had happiness and you will again." I think he is right.

I Love My Life

Every first Sunday of the month our church has a Fast and Testimony meeting. During this hour, members of our congregation can speak and bear their testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel and how they have learned certain doctrine and principles to be true for themselves.

I was walking the halls of the church on Sunday with a little boy (who was being a slight distraction in our class) when I overheard a testimony of a girl in the ward after us. I know this sweet girl. She is a few years older than I am and we grew up together for a majority of our childhood years. She was born with Downs Syndrome and has been a joy in the lives of many. She always had a smile on her face a a practical joke to play on anyone who wasn't watching her closely. We just love her.


As I listened to her testimony I was overwhelmed with the love that this sweet girl has for her family - especially her mother. She said, "And I love my mother. She is the most beautiful mother in the world." I know her mother as well - and she IS a beautiful and wonderful mother. I know that her daughter could see into her mother's heart and find the beauty that is there.

As she concluded her testimony she said, "I love my life." I couldn't help but feel the tears well up in my eyes. I am sure when her mom and dad first found that their daughter had Downs Syndrome they were concerned about her quality of life. I know I was very overwhelmed with fear and concern when I was told that my son would not lead a normal, healthy life. These parents have been more than amazing examples to me in my life and they have made their daughter's life a beautiful example to so many as well.

As her words rang over and over in my head I hope that my baby Gavin could say the same thing. There really is nothing I would love more than to hear him tell us that he loves us and that he loves his life.

I want to love life like this girl does. She finds joy in everything. I am trying to find that too.

Halloween at Disneyland

In February my dad told us that he was pretty sure Gavin would want us to spend Halloween weekend in Disneyland this year. :) This last week has been an emotional roller coaster for our family and Disneyland happened to be a great way to escape reality and have some fun with family and friends.

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We spent most of the day on Friday with Jason's brother, sister in law and their kids who had already been at Disneyland for a few days. We had so much fun with them. The very best part of the day was when Jason was holding our youngest nephew who looked up at Jason and said, "Uncle Jason, I just pooped!" HAHAHA! Jason totally freaked out and I couldn't stop laughing as I reminded Jason that our nephew was wearing a diaper.

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Saturday we spent the day with our Mortensen cousins at Disney's California Adventure Park. I had to sit out most rides and my seven year old cousin informed me that he was really glad he wasn't a girl cause he never wants to "deal with that pregnancy nonsense." HA!

It was a really fun weekend and it's our last get away until this baby gets here!

I was actually allowed to ride Dumbo!

Matt, Becca, Jason and my big fat pregnant self.

All of the Mortensen Grandchildren

Halloween Party

The weekend before Halloween Jason and I were invited to a Halloween Party with some friends. It was such a blast and getting the costumes ready was a ton of fun!

I was Michelle Duggar. She is the mom that has 17 children and is pregnant with her 18th child. They have a show on Discovery Health that I can't stop watching! Here is the link if you haven't heard about them http://health.discovery.com/tv/duggars/duggars.html.


And Jason . . . well - he was Justin Timberlake from a recent skit he did on Saturday Night Live. Pretty funny, but not completely appropriate for family friendly blogs! It was really great to seem him laughing and having a fun time.

Grandma Cindy's October 28, 2008 Email

I thought it would be appropriate to post Grandma Cindy's email from yesterday since I have been sharing so many of them from last year. This is the email she sent out yesterday. I know Gavin's Grandma Bailey wrote a letter to Gavin also and I will try to get a copy of that as well.

October 28, 2008

Dear Gavin,

It's so hard to believe it has been a full year since you went to Heaven. Sometimes when I look at your pictures it seems as if you are still here with us. And other times it seems as if it was all just a dream. Your time here was so short. But certainly packed with all kinds of adventures and events. There was nothing routine or dull about the 94 days you spent on earth with us. We talk about you being such a good boy - other than the fact that you would forget to breathe or swallow or a host of other physical things you just couldn't do very well. But when we talk about you we smile and have fun memories. Gavin I miss you. At church or at the store I watch other little children and it makes my heart ache. And then I look at their parents or family and wonder if they have any idea how lucky they are to have a child with a body that could sustain life. I think our whole family now has a much much greater appreciation of the miracle of life and the perfection that is there in such little tiny bodies.

Your mom and dad miss you so much. I know I don't need to tell you that. I watch your dad's jaw clench and unclench sometimes and wonder what he's thinking. He doesn't laugh as easily now. But it's joyful to watch when he does. He works so hard at work and at school. He'll graduate this December with his MBA!! He really hung in there even when things were so tough with you. And your mom's brown eyes don't dance as much as they did when she was a little girl. She does still talk as much. But her questions are different now. And I don't always have an answer for her. She's studied a lot and has learned so much. She's not letting any of her experiences with you go to waste. She has been able to befriend and help other moms who have had similar experiences.

Since you left us we have watched the newspaper closely and paid a lot more attention to when other children pass away. We often comment that in our narrow "pre-Gavin" frame of reference babies don't die. But we now know that they do. And our hearts are always saddened to hear of another's loss. We feel it keenly.

Grandpa Dave misses you a ton! He loves to go to the cemetery and just sit. Sometimes he'll throw a ball against your headstone. At first I wondered if that was appropriate to do. And then I realized that you would want him to be relaxed and fun. We all love the way we feel when we go to see you. And we go often. We'll be in the middle of something and he'll say, "I miss Gav - let's go see him." And we do.

And I know that Uncle Matthew misses you too. He has the biggest picture on his wall of you holding that yellow and blue rattle and your eyes are wide open and VERY crossed. He loves it. We can see how very blue your eyes are. And we've gotten used to how crossed they are. He goes with Grandpa and I to the cemetery most of the time. This past summer we went on a Pioneer Trek. Each pioneer family had a baby doll they were to take care of during the Trek. Matthew took good care of "Alice Elizabeth". And then she passed away and his family was asked to bury her. This was very hard for him to do, but he did it. His Ma and Pa were Monte and Annette Brown who lost their son 9 years ago this November. They all deeply felt the loss of the baby. At the Fast and Testimony meeting following the Trek, Matthew was one of the first to bear his testimony and he spoke of eternal families. I had the thought hit me, "He gets it." And I know he "gets it" in part because of you. Thank you for helping him to understand the importance of eternal families.

And Rebecca is still in Utah. That surprised all of us. But not nearly as much as the job she has now. She works with handicapped people in their homes and in group homes. She loves helping them and they love her. She works far too many hours and both Grandpa and I are concerned. But we understand how difficult it is for her to quit working and helping someone. She has wonderfully funny stories to tell us about her experiences with her "handi's". She takes them to fly kites, shop at Desert Industries, dance recitals and just recently to a Special Needs Mutual program. She told me they have such a great spirit. They do. And I think she recognizes that great spirit from the time she spent by your side. It wasn't much time, but it was enough to let her know how it felt to be next to such a special boy. She has really really missed you. And it's been very hard on her, especially where she is so far away from the family. Keep on eye on her okay.

We had a great day on Saturday, October 18th. Uncle James and Aunt Lauren were sealed in the Las Vegas Temple. We now have a much greater appreciation of eternal families and were so happy they started out their family unit in the temple. James is such a tender heart. I still remember the pain in his eyes as he and Uncle Matthew arrived at the hospital shortly after you were given a name and blessing. We didn't dare wait for him and Matthew to get to Salt Lake City from Las Vegas because you had started to have so many breathing episodes. But James is strong in the gospel and he knows and understands. We were happy to have a spiritual and happy day in the temple with James and Lauren and so many family members. In fact, James, Lauren, Grandpa David, your mom, dad and I are going to the temple this evening. It will be good for Lauren to go back so soon after receiving her endowments. And we all want to go where we can feel just a little closer to you.

We are so excited for your brother to come join us here on earth. It's been a very tense and exhausting pregnancy as we are no longer naive and we realize how many things can go wrong. It's been a little hard to believe that things can and will work out and be okay. But they will. I think, if she could, your mom would make the doctors sign in blood when they tell her things look good with this little guy. And when one of the doctors asked if he could do anything else your dad invited him to move in with them until your brother is born. They need a lot of reassuring. We joke that you are having to apologize to your brother for making your mom and dad so uptight and nervous about everything. Hopefully your brother can help them calm down some, relax and believe. Maybe you could send a kiss along with your brother.....

Gavin there are so many people who have been good and kind to your parents and to us. I will always be grateful for all the goodness in the world. I want to be able to help others around me when they are having a hard time. I want to be a better person and be better to those around me. Thank you for helping me see that others might need my help. Grandpa and I were talking on Sunday about how we have realized that there are so many things that just don't matter. I guess we've been able to better focus on what is truly important. You taught us that. There's not a day that has gone by that I've not thought about you. Your picture is on my fridge - your dad is holding you. And there's a picture of you by my phone. There's a lot that I realize I don't understand or know. But there's a lot that I know and understand better now because of you. I know you fulfilled your purpose here on earth. I know that you are busy. I know that the Lord is mindful of us and of our pains. And I know that we don't have to suffer alone. He will help us. And I know that we can all be together again. It is up to each of us and how we choose to live our lives now. Gavin I hope and I think that we are all a little better and more in tune with the Spirit since you joined our family. I love you.

Love,
Grandma Cindy

Gavin's First Heaven Day

Dear Gavin,

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. It has been one year since you returned home to our Heavenly Father. I approached this day with such anxiety over the feelings we would have today. I was surprised this morning when I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of peace and calmness. I felt you by my side all morning as your dad and I walked over to the cemetery and spent time with you. Later that morning we went over to the Ronald McDonald House and dropped off all the pop tops we have been collecting this year. A sweet lady at the House noticed that you are going to have a baby brother and she gave us a beautiful blue and white blanket.

Tonight we went to the Temple with Grandma Cindy, Grandpa Dave, Uncle James and Aunt Lauren. It was a perfect way to conclude a day that was full of memories and spiritual experiences. I couldn't imagine a more perfect place to be. It was good to feel you so close.

As I have reflected on the day you left our arms I have been reminded of how many blessings and tender mercies we have been granted throughout this past year and three months. The night you returned to our Heavenly Father was a calm and surreal experience for all of us. Your dad and I felt so much peace and we knew that your mission was complete. I am amazed that you were able to accomplish so much in your brief time here on earth. You have changed so much for so many people.

There is no doubt that we miss you, Gavin. My arms ache so much to pick you up and love you. I miss having your calming presence in my life at every moment. I wish I could kiss you and rock you all day long. But, I know that the day we can see you again we will understand - and that will be a beautiful day. Keep working hard and know that your daddy and I love you very, very much. You are our beautiful angel baby.

I love you Bug,
Momma

Here are some pictures of us dropping off the pop tops at the Las Vegas Ronald McDonald House.

And the blanket they gave us for Gavin's new little brother.

Happy Birthday Dad!

I won't say how old my dad turned today . . . WHAT?! 50?! It was really fun to get together as a family (except my sis Becca who is at college) and have a party for him.

Honestly, my dad has to be one of the coolest people I know. He has always known what was best for me and encouraged me to become an independent and self reliant individual. Through his example I have learned how to work hard, serve well and love. He has been such a strong foundation for me as I have grown up and has always been there with direction and a love when I need him.

But one of my very favorite things about my father is how much he loves Gavin and this new baby. One day when I was sitting by Gavin's bed at PCMC Grandpa Dave just appeared around the corner. Apparently he couldn't stand being away from Gavin and he took the first plane to SLC that morning. I still remember watching my dad play with Gavin that day - Gavin was so awake and responsive. I am sure he was able to feel how much his Grandpa Dave loves him.

So, Happy Birthday Dad and thanks for being the greatest dad and grandpa!

James & Lauren's Wedding

Saturday October 18, 2008 my brother James and his fiance Lauren were married in the Las Vegas Temple. The sealing was so beautiful and Lauren's grandfather was able to marry them. As he spoke about marriage and the eternal family unit - I was once again reminded of the sweet and beautiful blessings we are promised. It was so overwhelming to watch James' face as he promised to be with Lauren for eternity. I could feel the love radiating through their eyes. It was a special day for all of us and I am so happy to have Lauren as a sister!

Here are a few pictures from the Temple.

Aren't they such a BEAUTIFUL couple?!The Mortensen FamilyThe fun bridal partyI just had to put this picture on . . . I thought it was just too fun!

One Year Ago - October 22, 2007

Another excerpt from a Grandma Cindy email:

October 22, 2007

I was a little anxious to see Gavin this morning as I just didn't know how I would handle it if he seemed to be in pain from his surgery or still struggling to breathe. I went in on my own to see him while Lindsay went in to pump. As I approached the bed he opened his eyes and for the next 15 minutes our faces were 10 inches apart and totally focused on each other. I talked with him and told him how distressing it was to all of us to hear that he'd been in pain and struggling to breathe. And once again his eyes said it all. Is it so easy to forget the peace that we feel when we are able to connect with his eyes. He was as alert and bright eyed as last week when he was feeling good. And I think if his eyes could have spoken they would have told me to try harder to remember how we feel when we are able to connect with his eyes. I know it was a gift for me to have those few minutes with him. His nurse asked me a question and I turned my head to answer her. When I turned back to Gavin he was fast asleep and stayed that way for the rest of the day. So I will try harder to remember how it feels when he looks at me. And I will try harder to have the trust and the faith to know that even on a bad day, things will still work out for him.

I loved reading this excerpt today. It reminded me of the beautiful blessings and tender mercies we were given at this time last year. This week begins a painful walk down memory lane for us. However, experiences like the one my mother wrote about were so abundant during the last few days we had with Gavin here on earth. His eyes brought us comfort. The moments that Gavin was alert and focused were few and far in between, but it was during those moments that we all saw a glimpse of heaven. I am convinced that Gavin communicated, when he could, through his eyes. Looking into his alert, bright, blue eyes gave a peace that I have yet to find again - no matter where I search for it. How blessed and fortunate we were to have these moments with Gavin where he let us know that he would be okay. I remember the recurring thought I had during those trying three months "It won't be as bad as you think it will." While what we have had to do and what we will continue to do for the rest of our lives isn't easy - I do know that this is better than watching my beautiful son struggle like he was at this time last year. I hurt because I miss him but, I know he doesn't have to hurt any more. I am so grateful my mother wrote about this experience so we can go back and remember the peace and comfort we found through a three month old little boy who had more wisdom than we did.

Eyes truly are the window to one's soul . . . this picture is proof.

Aren't my two boys so handsome together?!

Dear Gavin,

Dear Gavin,

This weekend your uncle James and your new aunt Lauren are getting married! It's such a big day for them and we are so excited for them to start their lives together. There are lots of family members in town and there is a lot of talk about you. We miss you. It's days like this that we wish we had you here to celebrate with us. Your daddy told me this morning that he would have purchased a little tux just for you so that you could be "stylin' at the wedding." Your uncle James and aunt Lauren love you very much. I wish you could have met Lauren . . . you would love her. We all do.

We miss you and love you so much.

Love,
Momma

26 Week Checkup on Baby!

Today we had another visit with our Perinatologist. It's always exciting and scary to get such detailed reports on the baby. It was a good visit and things are still looking great with this little guy. He now weighs 1 lb. 13 oz. (almost 2 lbs!) and he is measuring right on track in all other aspects. The cardiologist told us that his heart looks perfect and that he will come check the baby before we take him home from the hospital - just to reassure us that things look good. (They cater to my anxiety really well - and I love them for that.) We were able to count ten fingers and ten toes and we loved watching him move around. Right now he is in a breach position, but we still have plenty of time for him to flip and move into the correct position.

Here are a few pictures we got this time :

It's kinda hard to see . . . but this is his face. Can you believe they can already see hair on this little monkey?! I know it's such a silly thing, but knowing that he has hair makes me so happy. Maybe he will have a full head of hair like his older brother!
Here is one of this cute feet - I can't wait to kiss his little toes!
And another picture of his face and cute chubby cheeks.
The doctors are still being very cautious with this pregnancy. We know all too well how delicate human life is. We will meet again with the perinatologist in about six weeks and after that he will be monitoring the baby's movement twice a week in his office until he is born. I will meet with my regular OB on a normal schedule - but he has given us very strict guidelines for the last trimester. It's a lot of appointments, but we will do any and everything that we need to so that we can have peace of mind and the best care for this little guy. We just want him here happy and healthy.

Aunt Becca

Gavin was very lucky boy to know his a sweet Aunt Becca. This first picture was taken just a few hours before he passed away. He is looking at Becca with such intensity . . . I wonder what he is telling her. What is he communicating without words? What wisdom would Gavin share with his Aunt Becca?

This morning my mom called me to tell me about a conversation she had with Becca last night. Becca attends Utah Valley University full time and also keeps a full time job (her own desire) helping take care of adults with special needs who are trying to live a normal, independent life. Every day she goes into their homes and helps take care of their physical and mental needs. We always love to hear how much she loves these people and how much they contribute to her life. I think they truly make her happy.

Apparently last night, Becca was able to take one gentleman to a church activity. She met his family and they expressed such gratitude to her for loving and caring for their son. I believe Becca does an amazing job at caring for these individuals.

As a mother of a special needs child - my heart is touched when I hear about people like Becca. I have so much love a gratitude to all the people who took care of and loved Gavin. I know that he would be happy that his Aunt Becca is helping and loving other people. It takes an amazing person to be able to care for these amazing people. I know that if Gavin needed someone to help take care of him - his Aunt Becca would be the perfect choice.

Pregnancy Brain

While watching Dr. Oz on Oprah yesterday - he informed us that a woman's brain shrinks by 8% during pregnancy.

It all makes sense now . . .

Rejuvenation

I have to admit I have been feeling a little overwhelmed lately. Life is busy - my world is still in the midst of accepting change - we are preparing for Jason's MBA graduation and we are getting excited to have this sweet baby boy come to our family in January. There are so many changes about to occur and it all seems overwhelming. Good - but overwhelming.

This past weekend Jason and I went with some of my family to my parents' cabin for General Conference weekend. (To learn more about General Conference visit this site www.lds.org.) It was a perfect weekend and perfect chance to rejuvenate our physical and spiritual selves. I came home feeling uplifted and determined to be a better person.


As I sat in the cabin on a rainy Saturday and Sunday, I listened to the prophet and apostles of our church talk about hope, peace and faith. One of the most prominent thoughts I had was that we have every reason to rejoice - even in the midst of trials. Many times I had the overwhelming feeling to "just hang in there" and I would see the reward.


I think it was Elder Worthlin who said this . . . "Come what may and love it." I assume this man has had many trials of his own - he was not belittling the trials we encounter in this life - but it was a sweet reminder that we have the ability to control what trials make of us. Will we let them destroy us? Or will we take what we can from them and become a stronger and more faithful person because of the trials we experience throughout this mortal life?


Yesterday as Jason and I drove home, I realized I had been rejuvenated in more than one way.

Fall

This time last year my amazing mother and I packed up the back of her Acura CrossOver and headed to Salt Lake City to await the arrival of Gavin's flight at PCMC. I have never been so nervous in my whole life. I was going to live in a strange place - for an undefined amount of time - under the most stressful of circumstances - without my husband - with a charge to find a "fix" for my son. The one thing that brought me comfort was that I was that I knew my mother would be by my side every step of the way.

The night before we left I packed a suitcase with enough clothes for a month. It had been a110 degree day in July when Gavin was born and now I was entering into to serene, cool fall weather of Salt Lake City, UT. We arrived in SLC on September 30, 2007 and Gavin arrived the morning of October 1, 2007 with Jason on a small plane which landed at PCMC. We proceeded to spend the next month living at the Ronald McDonald House in the Avenues of Salt Lake City, UT. My mom stayed with me during the week and Jason would come up for the weekends. It is a time that is ingrained in my brain and senses. Everything thing about fall time reminds me of Gavin.

During that month, my mom and I would often walk the streets of the Avenues to help calm the anxiety and nerves we felt on a regular basis as we searched for answers to Gavin's illness. We watched as the trees changed colors and the leaves fell to the ground covering the uneven sidewalks. The yellow, orange and brown colors of fall now have a much deeper meaning to me. It was in the shadows of those falling leaves that I came to understand the plan for my son. It was walking through the Salt Lake City cemetery in search of my mother's older brother (who passed away when he was a child) that I discovered that children do sometimes pass away despite parents' best efforts. It was during the walks with my mother that I found peace in change. It was there, during the change of seasons, that I developed a stronger, more deeper realtionship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior.

The fall time is sacred to me now in a very personal way. It is a time for change. I will never forget what my mother said as we packed up her car to leave Salt Lake City on October 30, 2007. "The leaves have fallen and winter is coming. And now, it is time to go home - Gavin has gone home."

"I Can't Believe How Big Your Tummy Is!"

Yesterday I stopped by our pharmacy to pick up my prenatal vitamins. We have a new pharmacist and here is the conversation that took place:

Pharmacist: When is your baby due?
Me: January
Pharmacist: January?! You look like you are due any day!
Me: Yeah, it's my second baby in 18 months.
Pharmacist: Yeah, well, I can't imaging how huge you are going to be by January.
Me: Ummmm . . . thanks for the refill.

I know that I am starting my seventh month looking like a blimp, but really?! Did she need to point out the obvious? HA!

The thing is . . . Gavin was so small that I really find comfort in the size of this little (or not so little) guy. Good thing I'm not vain about pregnancy size! That comment would have made me cry before . . . but now it's just a sign that we are growing! We want a healthy baby!

(Okay - I have to take back part of the vanity comment . . . I hate the way my face looks when I am pregnant! I look like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man. Oh, well, it is SO worth it!)

Dear Gavin

My Sweet Baby Gavin,

I found these pictures of you tonight. You were spending some quality time with your Grandpa Bailey and I remember watching him look at you. He loves you so much - we all do.

I wonder what was going through your mind when these pictures were taken. Did you know? You always look so wise - you must have known. You must have known your time with us was limited because your presence has left such an impression on our lives. You worked miracles in your three months with us. You continue to teach me every day.

I am always in awe that I was chosen to be your mother.

I love you Buggy.
Love,
Momma

Dear Me,

I saw this idea on another blog a few weeks ago and I thought it was pretty insightful. I started wondering what I would have said to myself at 14 years old - knowing what I know now. Worth a try, I guess.

Dear 14 Year Old Me,

Life is good and it's all worth it - I promise.

You may think that you know everything and that mom and dad are dummies stuck in the "old days" but they know so much more than you think. Mom is going to be your best friend - just watch and see. Let them talk to you and listen to them. Appreciate all they do for you. It is always in your best interest. In the future you will crave their love, support and advice.

Don't be mad at mom when you wake up the first day of summer break after your sophomore year of high school and she greets you with an airline ticket to spend the summer in Utah. It's the best things they can do for you at that time. The boy is not worth it. The situation is nothing but trouble. I promise. That summer will be one of the most memorable summers of your life. Tennis, grandpa's buttermilk pancakes, grandma's cute jokes, late nights, laughing and cousins - you will remember that summer forever and so will they.

Don't make so many dumb choices in high school. You will know what I am talking about when you get there. There is a lot more to life than what you can see right now. Be nice to people and include everyone. There are people who need friends and I know you can be a good friend to them.

High school is important, but not that important. When you leave for college try to not be so homesick for the high school days. You will have a lot more fun if you try to move on and decide who YOU are and who you want to be. Make that decision early. You will need a strong testimony in your beliefs because it won't be that long before you meet the guy of your dreams.

And when you meet the guy of your dreams . . . don't say no when he asks you out on the first date! I know you may think that you night class of Personality Theories of Psychology is so important - but it won't hurt to miss one class. You never miss class - it's okay to bail out on Jung's personality theory lecture for this guy. You won't remember the lecture anyway. But after that - make sure you go to every class. You are going to LOVE the university experience. You will learn a lot more than what you read in text books. These are experiences that will stay with you forever.

And now back to this dream guy. Your intuition is right. He is the perfect fit for you. Go ahead and take the leap of marriage even though you are 19 and still have two more years of undergraduate schooling left. I know it goes against everything you have preached (getting married young) - but marriage at 19 is good for you with this guy. Somehow it all works out.

Don't let anyone tell you that your husband's schooling is more important than yours. You can both go to school and make ends meet at home. And one other thing on the schooling subject . . . go with your gut and get a degree in psychology. It is going to help you more than you know.

Enjoy the time you have with your husband. You will cherish the years you have together before children come. Those years will be simple and sweet times for you to remember when life gets difficult.

And when the children start - well, I am not going to give anything away on that topic. It's not going to be easy. You will grow more than you ever have before. But I will tell you that your first child is a little boy who will change your life forever. Nothing will ever be the same after his arrival - but it really will be for the better. I promise. Cherish every single moment you have with this little guy and remember to absorb all the peace and comfort you feel when you are around him. That feeling can never be duplicated. Love him. Tell him about his daddy. Hold him as much as you can and know that difficult times can often be happy times too.

When difficult times come stay close to your husband and the knowledge you have of the gospel. Sometimes hope will be what gets you through a day. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. It is an individual process. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Life is good. You are tough and motivated. Stick to your gut and always follow the spirit. Life has ups and downs - but there is reason to be happy.

Love,

26 Year Old Me

A Gentle Reminder

Grief never seems to let you forget. Not that I would ever WANT to forget, but the pain of absence is brutal and exhausting. Overall, the waves of grief seem to be getting better for us. Fall is especially hard this year as it is a symbol of change for our family. Over the past week we have had gentle reminders of our sweet baby Gavin and the peace he has left in our lives.

Last night Jason and I were out (he asked me out on a date - romantic, I know!) when we saw a little boy in a stroller . . . with a trach and oxygen. Jason and I were glued to him as we stood in line behind his parents (who I am sure were uncomfortable with the strangers that were staring at their baby). It was such a tender mercy when the little boy grinned at us and started waving. I smiled back and I watched as the reminder settled onto Jason - I could read the lines on his face. The trach, the monitor, the oxygen tubing and tank, the suction catheter, the sounds of breaths taken through an artificial airway - it was a reminder of the way things were. It was a reminder of the unexpected truth that was to be our lives - that we had finally accepted - and now, the newly accepted life we have without Gavin here.

However, as we watched this little guy grin and wave at us we were also filled with happiness. This little boy was happy and while I am sure that "this" was not what these parents expected for their son - I could tell he was well taken of and loved. His smile and wave made my night.

Bye Bye Primary

In my previous post I talked about how I now teach the 12 and 13 year old girls at church on Sunday. I am very excited for this new responsibility and opportunity - however, it means I will no longer be in the Primary with all of the sweet kids.

Here are some of the reasons I will miss Primary (in no particular order):

1. the funny things the kids say (most of which gives away family secrets)

2. the totally random comments that have nothing to do with our sharing time discussion

3. the re-telling of bible stories according to the imagination of five and six year old kids

4. the chaos of the Sunbeams (the 3 and 4 year old class)

5. the other leaders I was able to work with

6. the hugs from the children (two weeks ago a cute six year old girl came up and hugged me and kissed my belly and said, "you are having a baby!")

These are just a few of the things I am going to miss.

Youth Conference

I haven't had a chance (or the brainpower) to post about Youth Conference, so I am a little late on this one. Youth Conference is a weekend where the 14-18 year old youth in our church get together for a weekend of what hopefully will be uplifting fun and spiritual learning. It was two weekends ago and after lots of planning and preparation - I think I can say it went well. I don't know exactly why Jason and I were asked to help plan Youth Conference since neither of us have had that much experience with things like this - but I am glad we were asked. I was pretty overwhelmed and anxious when they asked us (with another couple) to be in charge of the Friday night kick off. I won't bore everyone with the details, but I am happy we did it and happy it is over now! I think we all know how that goes . . .

And on a side note - the Sunday after Youth Conference I was asked to teach the 12-13 year old girls in our ward every Sunday. Hmmmm . . . they say we are prepared for all things. Should have seen that one coming!

Duck, Duck, Goose!

I was tagged by my awesome sister in law Trish. So, here it goes . . .

I am: a woman, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother.

I think: about all the things I SHOULD be doing.
I know: much less than what I thought I knew when I was 16.
I want: to have a healthy and happy baby boy that comes home with us.
I have: three boys - Jason, Gavin and this new little monkey.
I dislike: when people try to control me, dig their way into personal topics and are ignorant.
I miss: Gavin - like CRAZY.

I fear: ummm . . . just about everything right now. Yeah, I know, I really need to work on that.
I hear: my IPod selection of 80's music! Heh heh heh.
I smell: my vanilla lip gloss.
I crave: a Diet Coke - I'm trying to limit my consumption to three a week.
I search: for answers. I want any indication that this new little boy does NOT have what Gavin had.
I wonder: if Gavin and his new baby brother having a fun time together.
I regret: ever leaving Gavin's bedside for a single minute.
I wish: I could have a family picture with all of my children.
I love: my family.
I care: less about things that are petty and stupid than I used to.
I always: feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have Jason for a husband.

I worry: about everything. You name it, I can worry about it.
I am not: as patient as I should be.

I remember: every day I spent with Gavin. I can read about a day and remember the exact feelings I had during those moments. It's kinda overwhelming.

I believe: that we all consume ourselves with irrelevant and trivial matters when there is so much more we should be concentrating on.
I sing: in the car. ALWAYS. Poor Jason. Poor Jason's ears.
I don't always: let things roll off my back. It's awful, I have to learn to let things go.
I argue: with myself. I'm my own worst enemy.
I write: on my blog. It's therapeutic for me. Plus, it makes a great journal at the end of the year.
I win: at Mario Cart - don't let Jason tell you otherwise.
I lose: at Guitar Hero. Don't ask.

I listen: to my mom and dad. They are always full of great insight.
I don't understand: why I was so lucky to get to be Gavin's mother.
I can usually be found: at work, home, or my parents house.
I need: um, is it okay to say Valium? Don't worry . . . I'm not taking any. :)
I forget: A LOT! Isn't that normal when you are pregnant? Isn't it called pregnancy brian?
I am happy: most of the time now. Last year I thought I couldn't ever be happy again, but time has worked miracles.

(duck . . duck . . . duck . . . goose- I tag ANYONE who wants to play too!)

Go Buckeyes!

Every member of the Mortensen family is an Ohio State football fan - and we have converted Jason to the truth now too. We love to go back to OSU, watch a football game and visit with Grandma, but we haven't been able to travel back to Ohio for a few years now. Oh well, we will try again next year!

Things we care about on any given football season Saturday . . .

1) Ohio State wins

and

2) Michigan loses.

'Nuff said.

All We Need Is Love

I know I have often expressed the worry I have about how much pain Gavin felt. As a mother, I would have taken every ounce of pain he felt onto myself so that he wouldn't have to endure such a physical trial. Today as I was looking at some of Gavin's pictures, I came across this picture of Jason holding Gavin while Grandpa Dave (my dad) rested his hand on Gavin's head. I had the overwhelming feeling that Gavin felt love - and lots of it. I am not naive to the fact that many children in this world are abused, ignored and neglected. I also realize that there may be the possibility that Gavin felt more love in his earthly three months than many children feel in a lifetime - and I am grateful the knowledge that even with the physical trials Gavin endured, he knew he was and continues to be loved by so many people.

A Check Up On Our Little Monkey

This morning we had an appointment with our perinatologist (who I LOVE) and the cardiologist for a check up. We started with an ultrasound to measure his growth. He now weighs one pound and is measuring right on track. The doctor looked for a cleft palate (because of Gavin's small mouth deformity) and they didn't see any problems there. YAY! We also were able to watch him rapidly open and close his mouth . . . which is a HUGE deal to us since Gavin never moved his face. I wanted to burst into tears as I watched this little guy tumble and kick all over the place. He was so active and responsive! The cardiologist came in and checked his heart and everything seems to be perfect from what he can see. There was one small part of the heart that the cardiologist was unable to see because of the baby's position. He doesn't assume there is anything wrong, but he wants to make sure he gets a good look at it, so we are scheduled for a four week follow up with him.

We are so excited that he is checking out so well so far. I couldn't believe how much he was moving! He was like a little monkey climbing all over the place! HA!

Even with all the good news we receive it is still hard to picture myself as a "normal" mom and I most certainly can't imagine having a baby to bring home. I was a NICU mom. I did the best mothering I could from the sidelines, and it is hard to imagine being a normal mother. We still worry and pray that this little guy will be healthy and happy. I still worry about all of the unknowns that we had with Gavin - but the one thing I do know it that I love this little monkey. I love him just as much as I love my sweet Gavin. I mean, how could you not love this little face? . . . or this little hand? . . .

And on a funny note . . . this is what Jason asked the ultrasound tech yesterday when we were measuring the baby, "Now, he is supposed to look like a human baby now, right?" Apparently he was having a difficult time seeing what we were talking about on the ultrasound. HEH HEH HEH My funny hubby.

Believing

My mom always knows when I need to hear something . . . here is what she sent me last night. I thought it was "post worthy." Thanks Momma!

"The Lord has promised us that as we 'search diligently, pray always, and be believing, . . . all things [will] work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24). That doesn't mean that everything will be perfect or that we will not have any trials, but it does mean that everything will be okay if we just 'hang in there.' Ours is the opportunity to 'be . . . an example of the believers' (1 Tim. 4:12), and the Savior has promised that 'all things are possible to him that believeth' (Mark 9:23). So believe in yourselves. Believe that you are never alone. Believe that you will always be guided."
Elaine S Dalton,

"Believe!" Ensign, May 2004, 110

A Mother is a Mother

Recently I saw this picture . . .

And read this article . . .

http://article.wn.com/view/2008/08/19/A_mothers_grief_Heartbroken_gorilla_cradles_her_dead_baby/

"Holding the lifeless body of her dead child like a rag doll, this female gorilla stares at the corpse in shock and bewilderment, unable to accept that her baby is dead. It is a picture of pure grief. Inconsolable, hers is the raw pain of any mother who has lost a child. While nature may indeed be red in tooth and claw, this moving image of Gana and her dead son Claudio seems to show that members of the animal kingdom can feel the pain of loss just as deeply as we humans. "

. . . and I realize that a mother is a mother. This gorilla mother is shown in this picture cradling her three month old son who had passed away from a suspected heart defect. The article reports that the mother carried her deceased child with her for weeks until she finally laid it down in an apparent acceptance of death. So, I ask this question . . . how different are we as mothers who grieve?

No, I am not going to go into an dissertation about the theory of evolution - or how closely related "they" say we are to monkeys. However, I don't think we are all that different . . . on a motherly level.

Gavin's heaven day is rapidly approaching and I find myself full of anticipation and trepidation. His passing was peaceful. It was beautiful. He was taken from our arms to the loving arms of our Savior. In the angst of my darkest day I felt the love and peace of the Spirit. The staff at PCMC were so kind to us and let us have as much time with Gavin as we needed after his sweet spirit left his body. Jason and I had precious time with him. Time that is sacred to us.

The memory is bittersweet. I wish desperately to hold him again - and I understand why it took this gorilla mother so long to finally accept her son's death. It's been nearly a year since Gavin's passing and I still can't seem to accept it on a regular basis. I still occasionally think," Why me? Why Jason? Why him?" Then I am reminded of the sweet promises we have and the knowledge that we will be a family forever. I feel gratitude for a son who is so obedient and faithful.

The Bambino is On the Move!

Sunday evening I was laying on the couch when I felt the baby moving quite a bit. Jason sat down by me and put his hand on my tummy . . . and he felt the baby kick for the first time. Perhaps this may seem like a small thing to many, but this is such a milestone for us. The best part about it was what Jason said after the kick - "Wow! I love feeling him kick just as much as I loved feeling Gavin kick!" I can already see the love Jason has for this new baby. We are so excited for every milestone we hit with this little guy. Next Tuesday we go in for another appointment with our perinatologist - who will also have a pediatric cardiologist with him to check out the baby's heart. These next few appointments are big ones - I will keep posting about the progress!

A Year Ago on September 5th

On September 5th, 2007 Grandma Cindy wrote:

Gavin had his PDA heart surgery this morning. It was a huge PDA according to the cardiologist and required the largest clip to close it. It is a permanent titanium clip that will stay with him but not cause "beeping" at the airport. He did well during the surgery without any brady cardia. As of this afternoon he was given a blood transfusion as his numbers were getting low. The doctors has cautioned us that the next 2 to 3 days could be challenging for Gavin as his body recovers from the surgery . . .
. . . We feel that Gavin has a great purpose here. His short life has greatly affected many people. We are so grateful for all that we have learned and are continuing to learn from him and because of him. Our hope and prayers are that he is comfortable and free of pain and that he always knows that he is surrounded by people who love him. Thank you for all your support, prayers and love. Please continue to pray for this little family.
Love, Grandma Cindy

I can't believe it has been a year since Gavin's heart surgery - and surprisingly it was the easiest of all the surgeries Gavin endured! Life has changed so much in the matter of 13 months. However, the last paragraph of Grandma Cindy's email could be repeated time and time again. I still pray for Gavin - that he is happy, free of pain and knows how much he is loved.

Birthday Wishes

Isn't the tradition of birthday wishes interesting? I mean, who thought up this idea anyway? Tuesday night I blew out birthday candles for the 26th time in my life. As I made my wish, a million thoughts ran through my already muddled mind. How I wanted to wish for the things I used to wish for. The simple things in life. Until I was about ten years old, I wished to be a princess every single time I wished on my birthday candles. No lie. Castles, crowns, jewelry, dresses . . . I wanted the whole deal. I thought that would be the icing on the cake (no pun intended).

Life has changed my wishes. I couldn't help but reflect on the wish I made last year as my sweet Gavin was in the NICU. I remember wishing that we would get a miracle and that Gavin would be healthy enough to have a long and productive life. I wished that his heart surgery would go well. I wished that he would know how much I love him. I wished that he would feel no pain.

This year my wish went something like this . . . I wish that one day I would be able to have all three of my boys together. I wish that this new baby boy will be healthy and happy. I wish that I could see Gavin one more time.

Labor Day Weekend, High School Reunion, and Pop Tops

Oh, how I love three day weekends! However, it never feels like enough time away from responsibility.

Friday afternoon we drove to Salt Lake City to spend the long weekend with Jason's family. We had lots of fun and spent time visiting with family members - I even got to see my sister Becca who is going to school in Provo. YAY! When we asked our cute two-year-old nephew what we should name the baby, he thought for a minute and then said, "PONGE BOB!" . . . otherwise known as SPONGE BOB for the rest of us. Jason and I had a good laugh about that and we called the baby Sponge Bob for the weekend. It was good to see everyone and spend a little time relaxing. I'm so glad Jason has a fun family to be around!

Saturday afternoon we went to Jason's high school reunion and had a fun time seeing friends. The reunion committee organized a pop top drive for the Ronald McDonald House and we filled a huge storage container with all the pop top donations. We just wanted to say thank you and let everyone know how much we appreciate all they have done to help this organization. Keep the pop tops coming . . . we will get them to the Ronald McDonald house for you.

Happy 26th Lindsay!

Today Lindsay turns 26 years old so I thought I’d write a “Happy Birthday” post. I can never make fun of her age because I am older, but I want her to know that she is now closer to 30 than 20. Ouch!
Lindsay, I just want to wish you a wonderful birthday and tell you that I love you. You're the best. Hope your day is special. See you at lunch.

Jason

Yup . . . The Pregnant Girl Is Blogging About Food

A friend of mine made carmel corn for an early birthday present. That's a turkey pan full of it! I am one lucky girl! Hmmmm . . . how will I explain the excessive weight gain to my OB?

Lance Armstrong? Is That You?

Jason finally got a chance to ride his new bike this last weekend. It was a birthday present (from February) but it has taken us awhile to get all the "gear" for him to ride safely. That's my only stipulation to the biking hobby - it has to be done safely. :) I know, I know . . . I worry too much.

Saturday morning he went out for a little over an hour and when he came home the first thing he said was, "This freaking hurts my butt!" HA!

Graduation Bound

Today Jason begins his last semester of graduate school. December graduation here we come! I think he felt like this day would never come . . . but three and a half years have passed us by. There has been nothing easy about Jason going to work full time and attending classes at night mixed in with church responsibilities, a critically ill child and a wife to keep happy. I am amazed at how he was able to keep it together and maintain a great sense of humor about it all. When we first thought of graduate school for Jason, we figured the time would pass whether he was in school or not - so he might as well go. I have watched him work so hard, have great experiences and accomplish so many goals. I am proud of you, Jason. You are an amazing husband, father and best friend.

Life is good.

I'm crazy about you.

And here is a picture . . . cause I can't resist posting a picture of Gavin with his daddy.

Have you ever seen a daddy with so much love in his eyes?

Breaking Dawn

"Breaking Dawn" by Stephanie Meyer has been my escape for the past few weeks. This was the book club pick for this month and we all really liked it. In fact, book club lasted for three hours Thursday night! Since everyone knew they would be reading it anyway, we decided it was the best choice this go around. It's sweet. It's simple. It's an escape from the real world. I have read some online reviews about the book not being "real" enough. Critics say it's "too make-believe." Um, hello? It's about vampires! What is remotely real about that to begin with? It is fiction - young adult fiction at that. And one more thing . . . is it really so bad to read something that isn't "real?" Don't we all get enough real life to want an escape to a simple romance and dream about being married to a vampire?