The Help

I just finished another great read this month. Our book club pick was "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. It's about the domestic help in Jackson, Mississippi during the beginning of the civil rights movement. The three main characters are absolutely fascinating. It took a bit for me to get into it, but once I did, I couldn't put it down.

Now, I better clean up the house that has been neglected for the past week!

Jack's Easter Outfit

Pretty darn cute, if I say so myself.

Early Easter Egg Hunt

Today some friends and I had an Easter Egg Hunt for our kids.

I thought it was fun . . . Jack could have cared less!

So much for egg hunting this year.

We will save it for next Easter!

Some Bad Habits

Today Jack walked into the room where I was working with his clothes looking like this . . .Apparently the sippy cup/spitting habit isn't broken yet.

Matty's Mission Call

My little brother received his mission call this week!

In July he leaves for the Mexico City North mission for two years. Matty, you are such a great example of service. We love you!

Time To Celebrate!

Time to celebrate with a little of this . . . and a little of this . . .

Drum roll please . . .

The kitchen is done!

Of course there are always the little decorations, back splash and window treatments to be done - but the cabinets are finished!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

Today I find myself . . . LUCKY!

(I found this craft idea on a blog and decided to attempt it with a friend one evening. I think I like the way it turned out!)

Lead Me, Guide Me, Walk Beside Me

Over the course of this last week I have had many reminders of how precious life is. Wednesday was the two year mark of the passing away of a sweet baby girl of some of our dear friends. Also, this week I spoke with another wonderful friend who just received news that her six month old nephew passed away from SIDS that morning. Many other conversations and occurrences have brought to mind the reminder of grief and the road that so many of us are asked to walk down.

As I reflected on the feeling of loss and grief this week I felt overwhelmed by the loneliness that is left in my heart. I ached for those who were suffering this week and was genuinely trying to "mourn with those that mourn." Sometimes this road seems too much to handle on our own. At one particular moment of sadness the lyrics to a primary song popped into my head.

I am a child of God

And He has sent me here

Has given me an earthly home

With parents kind and dear

Lead Me

Guide Me

Walk Beside Me

Help me find the way

Teach me all that I must do

To live with Him someday

This is a song I have been singing ever since ever. I was taught this song long before I could understand the meaning of it. I had an "ah-ha" moment as I thought about the last part of the song.

Lead me. Guide me. Walk beside me.

I realized that throughout these very difficult (almost) three years I have been led, guided and walked with consistently. I feel like it was a process. During my most difficult days I know I was following. I was being led by so many people. The days after Gavin passed away I remember being led by so many people. I needed someone to tell me what to do. I remember my mother saying, "You need to eat now. You need to shower and get dressed now. We need to pick out his casket today and a plot tomorrow." I needed to be led because I could not do it on my own. I needed people to find comforting words for me and listen when I needed to talk. I was surrounded by so many amazing people who help lead me. However, most of all I was lead by a kind and gentle Heavenly Father.

Our Father in Heaven does not put us down here and then abandon us. He leads us. And then when we are a little bit more stable on our feet, He guides us. He puts people in our path to help share the load of grief. He guides us to comfort and peace.

And now, almost three years later I can look back and see how He has walked beside me. He still does. And on those days where it still just hurts too much, I know that at any minute I can turn to Him and ask for guidance again.

Wednesday I was reading from the Book of Mormon and came upon the passage in Alma 7:12. It says, "And He will take upon Him death, that He may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and He will take upon Him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy . . . that He may know how to succor His people according to their infirmities."

This passage refers to the Atonement of Christ. He was sent not only to atone for our sins, but to know our infirmities, our pain, or sorrow. He knows what we feel and how to comfort us best. I am grateful for that knowledge. I am grateful to have the privilege to look back during times of trial and see where he has led me, guided me and walked beside me.

Poor Sick Baby Jack Jack

Nothin' like a good cuddle with dad when Jack isn't feeling too hot.

Cabinet Update

The kitchen cabinets are finally coming to an end. We have seven doors left that need to be put up and decorations to put up that will help add color to a few areas - but this massive project is slowly coming to an end. YAY! I really like the way things have turned out. It's hard to see in the pictures - but the white makes everything else pop really well.

And my favorite part . . . the crown molding!
Ahem . . . perhaps it is because I stained it all myself. It's all I did for two days!

Don't Lose Your Shirt!

No, we aren't going for "that" look - I just have a hard time keeping a shirt on Jack right now. He is in a spitting and drooling phase. If I give him a sippy cup with water he lets it all fall right out of his mouth onto his shirt. Little punk! It means we are going through three shirts a day. So, today I gave up. He is going shirtless while he drinks from his sippy cup.

Gavin's Happy St. Patrick's Day

Dear Gav,
Happy early St. Patrick's Day! Last night we came to visit and decorate for you. It was so quiet and peaceful as we sat next to you and remembered all the wonderful times we shared together. I miss you so much. Some days I wish so desperately that I could hold both of my boys.

Jack was excited to see you. He kept touching your picture. I know he recognizes you. We have your picture up in our home and we tell him all about you. I hope you are watching over your little brother. He is so much fun. I know you two would have gotten into mischief and made my days crazy. I would have loved every minute of it just as much as I love every minute with Jack right now.

I hope you know how much we love you. You are never far from our thoughts. There is a place in my heart that belongs to only you. I love everything about our story, Gavin. I love you.

Love,
Momma

BOO!

Jack thinks it is quite funny to run around with his blanket over his head like a ghost right now. He blindly runs and runs until he runs right into a couch or some other obstacle. It's pretty funny.

Belated Birthday Dinner

With our kitchen under contruction for the last four weeks - my cooking has slacked. To say the least. Jason really wanted twice baked potatoes and ham for his birthday dinner.

Jason's 30th Birthday Surprise

Today my adorable husband turned 30 years old. I knew I had to do something fantastic for his birthday, so I spent lots of time thinking about what he would enjoy. I knew a weekend getaway would be right up his alley this year. We haven't left Jack over night yet - so I decided it was time. I set everything up with my mom to have Jack stay with her and organized all the gatherings for a weekend away.

I surprised him when he got home from work Friday night with these root beer bottles that had clues to what we were doing for the weekend. He had no idea we were leaving town. I had his bag packed and ready to go.

So, we headed off to Cedar City for dinner at Lupitas (a favorite college restaurant of ours) and then a night at the cabin. Our friends Scott and Amber met us up at the cabin Friday night and we had a super fun time with them hanging out til 3 am and then being able to sleep in til 10:30!

Here is the birthday boy. Never ceases to find a moment to make me laugh.

And I bought his cake from the Cupcakery. Red Velvet with cream cheese filling. YUM!

Happy Birthday my Jason! I know 30 is going to be a good year. You are a wonderful husband, father and best friend. I love you.

A Walk In The Park

The days have been SO gorgeous lately here in Vegas. We have been taking advantage of the perfect weather and have spent LOTS of time at the park. Jack loves walking around, finding rocks, digging in the sand, swinging and of course the slides.

Craft Night

My friend Holly and I found this blog with adorable crafts and thought we HAD to try this one.

We had a fun evening being "crafty" and laughing. Jason said it was just like listening to us eight years ago in college. I can't wait for the next craft night to roll around!

Cabinet Update

We are still hard at work staining, glazing, painting and sanding our cabinets. I am really loving the way it is all coming together. Who knew it was such a big project?! Hopefull in the next week or two it will be all done!

A Grief Observed - Round Two

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis was our book club read this month. I have read this book before and even posted about it just months after Gavin passed away. It was amazing to re-read this book. When I read it in December 2007 I highlighted the passages that stood out to me. This time - a little over two years later - I went back and highlighted the points that stood out to me NOW. Many were the same, but even more were different.

It is important to note when beginning this book that C.S. Lewis was a highly spiritual man who believed in a higher being. I am unaware of his religious affiliation, however, he is often quoted at church and in other religious settings because of his faith.

The forward of this book by Madeleine L'Engle makes an important observation, ". . . each experience of grief is unique, but there are always certain basic similarities . . ." How true! Not only is each individuals grief unique since each loss is different - but even in my own experience I find that my grief is different day to day - yet there is always that similar-ness as well.

While this book is not a "feel good" read or an easy read, it reminds us that journaling is important. According to L'Engle "What we work out in our journals we don't take out on family and friends." This is C.S. Lewis' journal of grief from the loss of his wife to cancer. You can see his raw emotion of his anger, questioning God, sadness, loneliness and finally acceptance. There is nothing that he sugar coats or makes light of. He is angry at God for not being the "good and kind God" he expected. Maybe this is why I relate to this book. Even with the belief and faith I have - sometimes emotions are raw and a burden to carry without being spoken. I love that Lewis finds reprieve in his journaling. Journaling gives us permission to say all the things we "shouldn't" say. "We can admit our doubts, our own angers and anguishes and to know they are part of the soul's growth," says L'Engle.

During this second reading, I found that when I previously read this book I was angry. I was mad that God had taken my beautiful boy. I was angry that God wasn't fitting into the mold I had created for him. After all, I had been taught that if I made good choices, good things would happen to me and I would be happy. What a false thought! It's not about "right" begetting "good" it is about making right choices to give you the knowledge to work through the difficult parts of life and not loosing sight of the big picture. It is about being in a place spiritually where you can accept His will - even if it breaks your heart.

As I have come to a more accepting and peaceful place with the death of our baby Gavin - I have found that grief comes in less frequent waves, but they are no less painful. Lewis says, "Grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead." While the bombs of grief come less often then they did two years ago - they still stop me dead in my tracks and for those moments and I am paralyzed that something like this happened to ME.

We always think, "Things like that won't happen to me." We go around with a false idea that "these things" happen to other people and not ourselves. Lewis says it so well, "Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not in imagination. If I had really cared, as I thought I did, about the sorrows of the world, I should not have been so overwhelmed when my own sorrow came."

My experience with grief has opened my eyes to the sorrow of others. While I am not perfect at mourning with those that mourn - I am trying. I know that feeling of emptiness and I know the feeling of progressive healing.

At one point in the book Lewis writes, " If [sorrows] are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't." How true! I know there is a God and I know that Gavin has been one of the most enlightening blessings in my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. In the midst of that initial grief, sorrow, shock and exhaustion I was angry with my circumstances. However, now - two years later - I can relate to what he concludes the book with, "How wicked it would be, if we could, to call the dead back! She said not to me but to the chaplain, 'I am at peace with God.' "

I too, am at peace with God. It has taken a long time to be able to accept Gavin's loss. And while the bombs of grief are dropped on my heart from time to time I have found peace and healing. My heart always aches from missing my sweet baby boy, but I am at peace with God and with Gavin's plan. How fortunate I was to have three months to hold an angel and to be his mother. I know Gavin was at peace when he returned to our Heavenly Father and I know there were many there waiting with open arms to welcome him home.

I also know that someday he will run back into my arms and we can be together again. That is a day I anxiously await - but for now, I am loving this life that I have been given and I have gratitude for the many blessing I have. I am grateful for the knowledge of eternal families and the blessings of comfort I find through that knowledge.

(I hope that this book doesn't bum out all the book club girls. I know many of us have experienced grief in one form or another. This book has so much depth for discussion.)

Unexpected

So often the word "unexpected" has such a negative connotation. We often hear of unfortunate unexpected events. Rarely do I associate that word with a positive view. Trust me, we have had our fair share of unexpected events in our life, but this morning as I watch Jason walk out the door to go to work I thought to myself, "He is so unexpected."

Let me explain.

Jason and I met when we were young. I mean YOUNG. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. We met at college and began dating shortly after we met. It was so unexpected.

Then, six months later we were engaged. Even more unexpected.

Four months later when I was 19 and he was 22 we were married.

All of this was unexpected to me. I never pictured myself married THAT young. And even though we were young - marriage has totally worked for us. Jason is my unexpected joy. I never imagined it could be THIS good. I mean, I am crazy about this guy. He stole my heart and has brought me happiness, laughter, and blessings too numerous to count. I was so amazed at the wonderful father Jason was to Gavin.

Another unexpected turn in our life.

Jason's diligence, sacrifice, hard work, love and support helped both Gavin and myself through those three months the the NICU. Jason's kindness, understanding and patience helped me through the grief that followed after Gavin passed away. Neither of us pictured life that way - but that was our road we were given. Looking back it was so unexpected, yet so amazing.

And even more unexpected was Jason's love for our next son Jack. I love the picture below. Jason looks like he is in awe of this little newborn. I can see the gratitude in his eyes.

Gratitude for the unexpected. A healthy, happy and lively little boy.

So unexpected after the previous road we were on.

Jason has so much love for Jack. I always knew Jason would be a wonderful father, but he has exceeded my expectations with the way he loves both of our boys.

So unexpected.

Life can bring so many wonderful "unexpected" events. My biggest unexpected event is the presence of a wonderful husband, father to my boys, and best friend. He loves me in the midst of my craziness, in the joys of life and in my deepest, darkest hour of despair. He is the person I turn to for everything. He "gets" me with all my imperfections. I love him like I can't explain. I never imagined I would find a guy like him, but I did.

So unexpected.