"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dear Gavin

Dear Gavy Bug,

I miss you so much today. I feel like I need to talk to you.

I was looking through your pictures on the computer this morning with Jack. He seemed memorized by your face. We all are. Your eyes always said so much. I think Jack must miss you. I hope you will find time to visit your little brother. He needs your powerful influence.

Having Jack here has brought a mix of emotions - especially the time we spent in the hospital when Jack was born. It was so wonderful to have him in our room with us - to be able to hold him when we wanted - to have visitors - to nurse him and bathe him. It was a miracle to watch your little brother emerge into this world healthy. But Gavin, there was pain too. Watching Jack thrive and progress has taught me just how sick your little body was and what a miracle it was to even get your for three months. As I walked down to our recovery room at the hospital I walked passed the room where I stayed after I had you. My stomach dropped to my feet every time I looked at the room number and remembered what it felt like to lay in that bed knowing that I wouldn't be taking you home anytime soon and to know that you were so sick and fighting for your life. I remember walking those same halls in a daze as our bishop, your Grandpa Dave and your dad took me to your side as they gave you a blessing. Your little body laid so straight. Your eyes didn't open and we listened to monitors beep and alarm every few seconds as the signaled your distress to us. That room, those halls all have a dual meaning now.

But, even in the mix of all the heartache, pain and fear - you gave a sense of peace and comfort. Your big, sweet spirit was communicating with us through that tiny, sweet, sick body. Sometimes I wish I could relive a moment of that pain - just because that means I would be with you again. I crave to feel your peace again.

At times I look at Jack and see you. I feel guilty to be so happy having Jack home. I feel guilty that you may think I have forgotten about you. I hope you know that no matter how busy I am with Jack you are ALWAYS right in the front of my mind. You are my son - my first son and your three months made me a better mother for Jack. You taught me about faith, hope and unconditional love. You taught me how to truly pray and ask for a miracle. You also taught me how to listen and accept His will. You taught me to trust and know there are good days to be had with you ahead of us. I love you Gavin.

Please know of our love for you. Work hard and know that your momma, daddy and baby brother are here thinking about you.



Brittanie said...

I have written so many letters like that. Some actually on paper. Some...just in my heart. I have felt that guilt for the happiness of having another child with you. But you have nothing to be guilty for. Gavin wants you to be happy. And I know you already know, but you WILL have all those happy moments with him. (hugs)

Malia said...

Oh how I wish you could snuggle both your babies today, Lindsay. You've been through more than most people dream of and continue to carry on with more courage and faith than seems even possible. You never cease to amaze me...I am so grateful for your inspiration. Kiss Jack...I just sent a kiss to heaven for Gavin, too.

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

Beautiful, I imagine that when we are able to welcome another member of our family we too will feel so many mixed emotions. Rob and I often talk about how so many things about the next child will be bitter sweet. We pray a lot that our next child will have the type of spirit that will be patient with us as we grieve for Branson even with them here, that they will have the type of personality that allows them to feel Branson when he's close to them, and an ability to feel the love that his older brother has for them. I bet that Jack is a lot like that. I bet that him and Gavin were best buddies up until the very second he left to join your family. I bet that even in this life, though they are separated by the veil, that they will feel of each others love, and that Gavin will be there to help Jack often.
I admire your love, your strength, and your example of being an awesome mother. Thank you!

Amy said...

Thank you for your example. I found your blog through the Angel Babies site. I also lost a baby recently at 37 weeks due to a cord accident. I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm happy for you to have your new baby Jack. He is adorable! Thank you for your testimony and strength. It is a strength to all of us. Feel free to visit our blog and see our angel baby...I love showing her off!: zacharyandamy.blogspot.com


The Loesevitz Family - said...

Lindsay, that was so beautiful. I know Gavin is looking down and he's so happy you have Jack. Don't feel guilty. Gavin wouldn't want that. You're a great mom and I really admire you.