Dear Gavin

Dear Gavy Bug,

I miss you so much today. I feel like I need to talk to you.

I was looking through your pictures on the computer this morning with Jack. He seemed memorized by your face. We all are. Your eyes always said so much. I think Jack must miss you. I hope you will find time to visit your little brother. He needs your powerful influence.

Having Jack here has brought a mix of emotions - especially the time we spent in the hospital when Jack was born. It was so wonderful to have him in our room with us - to be able to hold him when we wanted - to have visitors - to nurse him and bathe him. It was a miracle to watch your little brother emerge into this world healthy. But Gavin, there was pain too. Watching Jack thrive and progress has taught me just how sick your little body was and what a miracle it was to even get your for three months. As I walked down to our recovery room at the hospital I walked passed the room where I stayed after I had you. My stomach dropped to my feet every time I looked at the room number and remembered what it felt like to lay in that bed knowing that I wouldn't be taking you home anytime soon and to know that you were so sick and fighting for your life. I remember walking those same halls in a daze as our bishop, your Grandpa Dave and your dad took me to your side as they gave you a blessing. Your little body laid so straight. Your eyes didn't open and we listened to monitors beep and alarm every few seconds as the signaled your distress to us. That room, those halls all have a dual meaning now.

But, even in the mix of all the heartache, pain and fear - you gave a sense of peace and comfort. Your big, sweet spirit was communicating with us through that tiny, sweet, sick body. Sometimes I wish I could relive a moment of that pain - just because that means I would be with you again. I crave to feel your peace again.

At times I look at Jack and see you. I feel guilty to be so happy having Jack home. I feel guilty that you may think I have forgotten about you. I hope you know that no matter how busy I am with Jack you are ALWAYS right in the front of my mind. You are my son - my first son and your three months made me a better mother for Jack. You taught me about faith, hope and unconditional love. You taught me how to truly pray and ask for a miracle. You also taught me how to listen and accept His will. You taught me to trust and know there are good days to be had with you ahead of us. I love you Gavin.

Please know of our love for you. Work hard and know that your momma, daddy and baby brother are here thinking about you.

Love,
Momma