"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Blue Satin To Match His Eyes

Last night I put the finishing touches on the shadow boxes for Gavin's and Jack's hand molds. I was carefully taking Gavin's picture off the back of Gavin's previous shadow box when I rediscovered this fabric we used to fill some blank space behind the hand molds . . .

It was like the wave of grief swallowed me up in an instant. A physical blow that took my breath away.

This blue satin was purchased by Gavin's Grandma Bailey. She bought it to make the pillow his head now rests on. She said, "It matches the color of his eyes." And it does - perfectly.

Somehow, I still cannot come to grips with the separation from Gavin's physical body. I know his spirit no longer resides in that sweet little imperfect - yet so perfect - body. A body that now lies under a patch of grass next to many, many other two foot caskets. I have tried to explain the feeling I have about burying a child a being separated from that child's body. It's indescribable. Something no one really gets until they do it themselves.

I pray there is never another mother who has to do this.

I dreamed of creating a sweet baby all my life. I carried that little body for eight months. Cared for it for three months in a hospital. Held it while it breathed the last breath. Held it for two hours before placing it on that blue satin pillow. And gave it one last kiss before they closed the top and we said goodbye. No one can say there isn't a strong connection and love between a child's body and a mother. Even when the spirit has left. A mother still cares for it. Longs to hold it. Just for one more minute. To give it a million more kisses.

I have come to a peace about Gavin's plan. And mine too. I know that I cannot be with his spirit right now, but to know that his blond hair, blue eyes and funny little grin are just a mere two miles from my home . . . it's almost more than I can bear right now.

I miss him today. Desperately. I miss his sweet spirit and tiny little body that now lays on a pillow of blue satin - that matches his eyes.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Keeping Me On My Toes

Today I put Jack in his swing to watch Baby Einstein. I hear him singing along (yes, he loves to talk to the tv) and then I hear the swing get slower and slower. Thinking the batteries are rapidly dying, I walk into the play room and find this . . .

Apparently he is too "MATURE" for the cradle swing. Now that he has figured out how to sit up in it and grab the side bars (thus the slow swing) - I can't get him to lay back and relax. Sigh. There goes nap time in a swing. Guess it is time for the big boy swing!

PS - as I am sitting here typing this post, he has pulled himself up to a standing position using my chair and is licking my butt to get my attention. Gotta go now! YIKES!

Christmas Fabric

I have had a few requests regarding the Christmas fabric I purchased for my Christmas stockings. Ahem . . . I intend to start them this weekend. I hope.
ANYWAY! The fabric is from Nancy's Quit Shop here in Vegas on Buffalo and Atwood (just one street north of Cheyenne).

Monday, September 14, 2009

Jack is Eight Months Old

Another months has flown by and Jack is growing up even more! Now that he is a little more independent and on a more structured schedule things have become much easier. Whew! Those first few months were ROUGH!

This month Jack:
- is crawling like a mad man - still the army crawl . . . I don't think we are going to get much more than that from him
- is getting into any and everything within reach including the garbage can on more than one occasion
- pulls himself up to a standing position
- will take a few steps while he is standing and holding onto the couch
- is STILL trying to get his first teeth . . . we keep thinking they are going to pop through the gums, but they trick us every time. (I am actually starting to wonder if he even has teeth!)
- loves to eat all kinds of food and has a good three meals a day. WOOHOO! (Eating is a battle in our home)
- went on his first four wheeler ride with Grandpa Dave and fell asleep less than 30 seconds after he got on the ATV
- went on his first carousel ride
- says MAMAMA DADADAD and BABABA all of the time
- had his fourth haircut
- sleeps (usually) 10 hours at night! WOOHOO!
- will play in his crib for an hour before he wants out after a nap
- has a generally happy demeanor now - as long as he gets what he wants . . . must be his mother's child. HA! Just kidding. Kind of.

photos by Brittany Rulis visit her website at http://www.brittanyrulisphoto.com/

Friday, September 11, 2009

I Miss You

Dear Gavin,
I can't stop thinking about you today so I decided to look at some of our pictures.
They help me remember our time together.
This time of year is difficult for me.
I love the picture below of you in your Halloween pajamas.
I had you wear them a little early.
I am glad I did.
I miss you.
I love you.



Thursday, September 10, 2009

Labor Day Weekend at the Iron County Fair

We spent Labor Day weekend with my family at the cabin. I have to say . . . Southern Utah sure knows how to throw a good fair and parade! sigh. There is a part of me that misses Southern Utah.
Saturday we went to lunch at an old college favorite of ours - the Pastry Pub - in celebration of my birthday. See, I told you - I can stretch it out to be a birthday WEEK!
How come Jack will listen to every word Grandpa Dave says, but not a single word I say?Later that evening we headed over to the Iron County Fair Grounds. I think I laughed til I wet my pants on the Gravitron (you know, that wheel ride that spins you so fast you stick to the wall?) cause the carnival worker started laughing when my mom got on with us. Apparently he doesn't know she is CINDY - the amazing woman. She did better on the ride than I did! I thought I was going to have a heart attack at the ripe old age of 27. Just imagine the Cedar City newspaper headline . . .
We did, however, get to take Jack on his first carousel ride. AWWW! (He didn't think much of it.)After the rides (and THANK GOODNESS it was after the rides) we ate fair food. You know the kind - where it tastes so good there and you pay for it later? Yeah . . . Jason ate three husks of sweet corn dipped in butter and salt . . .And later that night was the highly anticipated rodeo! I have to admit, it was a fun atmosphere.
And Jack, well . . . he preferred to suck on Aunt Becca's hoodie strap instead of watching bucking broncos.
Sunday we went to church and had a bbq with friends. It was so fun to spend time together and watch Jack interact with other kids. And of course, we HAD to give Jack a bath in Grandma Cindy's big bath tub. I think he would be a fish if I let him.Monday morning we woke up bright and early (ahem . . . 10am) to go to the Iron County Labor Day Parade.

And then we spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing with the family til it was time to pack up and go home.

(Grandma Cindy, James, Grandpa Dave, Becca, Jason, Lauren and Jack)
It was SUCH a fun weekend. It totally made me miss the good ol' days living in Cedar. For the first time in a long time, I actually wished I lived in a smaller town again.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Laundry = Gratitude

Today while I was folding laundry I was filled with overwhelming gratitude when I saw this . . .
I love my babies so much.
I wish both were here with me.
On days like today I find myself grateful that I have baby laundry to do.

Friday, September 4, 2009

My Project

See all this Christmas fabric?
It WILL be patch work Christmas stocking for me, Jason, Gavin and Jack.
Did you hear me?
I am trying to convince myself I can do this!
I think I bit off more than I can chew . . .

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My Birthday

Usually I am able to stretch my birthDAY out to be a birthday WEEK. This year was no different. :)
I did have a wonderful birthday though thanks to my sweet husband, fun baby boys, friends and family.
I spent the day with this cute baby boy . . .and received this awesome homemade frame for our wedding picture from Jason . . .who surprised me in the evening with a bunch of these . . . and some time by myself here.
It was a nice and relaxing day spent with the people I love most!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Little Toes

Awhile back, my super talented sister in law had this fun idea to take pictures of the grandkids' feet.
Here are my two boys.
I just love baby feet. Don't you?!