The holidays are over. The Christmas decorations are down. The house is organized and all new toys have a place. The chaos of traveling is through and there are a few moments of quiet. Sometimes the quiet is bad for me. Maybe I create chaos to help avoid bad days like these. I don't know.
Today I felt anguish again.
Did I mention it was a bad day?
I miss Gavin so much.
I think over and over about what his three months here on earth were like. I remember the pain of losing him - but the peace of knowing he is mine forever too. It is such a battle in my mind on days like this.
My mom always knows the right thing to say to me. Today she sent out this quote in an email. Thanks mom. You are the perfect mom for a crazy girl like me. :)
President George Albert Smith Jr. said:
"If I were to think, as so many think, that now that my beloved wife and my beloved parents are gone, that they have passed out of my life forever and that I shall never see them again, it would deprive me of one of the greatest joys that I have in life: the contemplation of meeting them again, and receiving their welcome and their affection, and of thanking them from the depths of a grateful heart for all they have done for me. When we realize that death is only one of the steps that the children of God shall take throughout eternity, and that it is according to his plan, it robs death of its sting and brings us face to face with the reality of eternal life. Many families have been called upon to say good-bye temporarily to those they love. When such passings occur, they disturb us, if we will let them, and thus bring great sorrow into our lives. But if our spiritual eyes could be opened and we could see, we would be comforted, I am sure, with what our vision would behold. The Lord has not left us without hope. On the contrary he has given us every assurance of eternal happiness, if we will accept his advice and counsel while here in mortality. This is not an idle dream. These are facts."
We spend Christmas up in Salt Lake City with Jason's family this year. One of the REALLY fun things we were able to do was to go on the Polar Express in Heber. They have a fun old train up there and we all wear pajamas and see Santa on the train! It was so fun to have all of Jason's family together and to watch Jack play with his cousins. He sure loves them!
Jack loved the train. He danced up and down the aisle and sang Christmas songs. As for me - nothing makes me happier than seeing my boys happy. It was a WONDERFUL evening.
Yes, Santa knew we wouldn't be at our house for Christmas so he brought Jack and Owen their gift a little early this year!
When Jack sat (and screamed) on Santa's lap this year he told Santa he wanted a green tractor. When Jack left Santa with a candy cane in hand that night - he was confused. He said, "But I wanted a green tractor . . . not a candy."
Well, my sweet Jack - Santa heard you and now you and Owen will have fun riding in your new green tractor!
Every December 6th the cemetery does a program based on Richard Evans' book "The Christmas Box Angel." They light up a huge Christmas tree and we can hang ornaments with our child's name engraved on it.
This is our fifth year going.
Our fifth Christmas.
Sometimes I just miss Gavin so much it hurts.
Sometimes it all makes sense and I feel so much peace.
But the miracle in my life is that I am at a place where I can feel both joy and grief.
Five years ago I thought I would never feel happiness again - but I do.
I still miss him.
I still grieve and my heart aches.
But I have been given much to bring me joy and happiness.
It was so nice to go tonight and be reminded of all the things that are TRULY important.
Gavin's Christmas Tree is my very favorite Christmas decoration in our house. It is bittersweet to decorate it every year - but I love the glow and reminder of peace it brings into our home. I love my boys!