"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

And A Day

As of today Jack is a day older than Gavin lived to be. Some may say that is a morbid thought. I say that is our reality. And it's all I can think about today.
I know this is a very personal post - I hope you don't mind me sharing my inner thoughts and a part of my grief. I think about this day in Gavin's life. It was the day after we said good bye. That day was full of emotions. I felt so much peace, but we were in the midst of making some decisions a parent shouldn't ever have to make.
A parent shouldn't ever have to pick out a two foot casket or decide on a resting place for their child. But reality is that some parents do. Some children leave this earth and some stay. I don't know why Gavin's mission was to return at only three months and one day and Jack has been allowed to stay. I don't know why Gavin was given a body that didn't function well and why Jack has a healthy normal body.
However, I do know that time has helped us heal. I never thought I could say that. The pain is always there, but time has helped me see and understand the bigger plan. Time has given me the chance to accept what I cannot change and to have another chance to love another little boy.
I never knew I could love another little boy the way I love Gavin, but I do. And I appreciate Jack more than I ever imagined I would have.
This day is a big day for our family. We are finally beginning to feel like we get to "keep" Jack - and that is a miracle.

9 comments:

Heather and Billy said...

Lindsay- I just cannot get over how cute Jack is! I'm a little biased though because he looks a lot to me like my first did at that age. I understand that you can only think about the one day older. Just please don't feel guilty for it. I'm so glad you have shared so much of you with so much of us. Each day I get closer to my mom's age when she died I worry how that day after will be. I dread that day I turn 39 because my mom only lived to be 38. I get the guilt but I hope you don't feel it.

Brittanie said...

It's not a morbid thought, I don't think. But then again, I don't think that thinking about your baby is morbid, regardless of whether or not that baby is still living. Maybe it's because I'm an Angel Mom myself? It's hard not to be hyper-aware that from here on out Jack will be much different than Gavin was.

And a new baby does so much to heal your broken heart. Not because they can replace their siblings, but I think they radiate the light of Christ so much that you can't help but have a small measure of His peace too.

(hugs)

T-Ray said...

It is not morbid Linz. Life is precious. Gavin's life on earth was cut short but we know he has a greater work to do. That is easier to say than to swallow. I love Gavin more and more every day for all that he taught me. And the crazy thing is that even though he isn't here I am still learning from him. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.

Cindy said...

All I can say is "amen... about Gavin" He was apparently needed on the other side rather than here on this earth.
But your baby Jack is so beautiful. Even though I have never lost a child I still thank Heavenly Father for each and every day I have with all my kids. They are so precious and innocent that you want to soak up every moment with them.

The Wheeler Family said...

I came across your blog on google reader. I hope you don't mind that I read your story every now and again. I have been very inspired by your family. Both of your little boys are so cute. You are such strong people!

Malia said...

Oh Lindsay...it's not morbid. The comparison and contrast between the pictures with your boys is heartbreaking. The love is SO evident in both and yet the hurt vs. the joy tears at my heart. I don't even know how to explain it. I'm sure you don't either. I can absolutely see how this day would be a difficult one. We love you all. Hang in there. By the way - I don't think there are many family pictures that people can get their three month old to smile like that. It's awesome! And you, my dear, look absolutely gorgeous!

Catherine Webb said...

I completely agree with what Malia said. I am sure I would be the same way if I were in your situation. Lindsay, you know how much I loved your Gavin. I have never (and still have not) seen more dedicated parents to their child than you were to him. I am sure Jack feels that same love and dedication from you. Thank heavens we have the Gospel and we know you will have your sweet Gavin again. The pictures of your family are priceless. The happiness that surrounds you is evident. Jack is lucky to have you.

Erin said...

I'm crying tears of joy and sadness for you both at the same time! Your courage and strength is a inspiration to me! Congratulations on BOTH of your beautiful boys!

Teresa, Brandon and Xander said...

are you kidding me??? He is SO Cute!!! you guys are an adorable family...i LOVE the 3 month mark....the finally seem manageabl to me by then....