"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Monday, January 12, 2009

My Three Boys

Dear Sweet Baby Boy,
We are so excited and nervous anticipating your arrival. We know the time is soon to meet you. I can't believe how much you have already stolen my heart. I hope I can be the mom you deserve. You have been such a blessing to our lives already. You have helped us heal and find a purpose for joy in our lives.
I am sure you have been having a fun time with your older brother Gavin and I am sure he has told you all about us and life here on earth. It's such a blessing to know that you will always have him as a protector. I hope that throughout your life you will have moments where you remember him - that you will be able to remember how much an eternal family means to all of us and you will understand the desire we have to be together as a family for eternity.
I feel I must ask for a little forgiveness upfront. The birthing experience your father and I have had has been difficult. Your brother's birth was full of joy and despair. The idea of a healthy baby is difficult to imagine. But we have hope and faith that your life will be full and long.
We have many fun plans for you, Baby Boy. There are so many things we can't wait to teach you and tell you about. A laugh, a cry, a late night, a smile, a pat on my face, a wrinkled up nose and a finger grasp are all miracles to us. You are a miracle to us already.
Meeting you will be one of the most sacred and special days of my life. I love you. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet face. I will see you soon.
Dear Gavin,
Oh how you have changed our lives. Every experience with you has been beautiful and good. There isn't a moment with you I wish to forget - even the difficult moments. You brought peace and comfort at all times. I knew you had an insight that I did not have. I wish I had that wisdom.
As I am sure you are aware, your little brother will be coming to our home soon. You have had time to be together. I ask you to always watch over him. Let him feel the love you always shared with us. He will need you. We all need you.
I, also have to ask your forgiveness. I can't help but feel a little bit of mother's guilt feeling so much excitement and joy for this new baby boy. I don't want you to think you are being replaced. You will forever be the most special blessing of my life. My time with you is some of the most precious moments - ones that will never ever be forgotten or replaced. '
Gavin, I worry I won't be the kind of mother this little boy needs because I still miss you so deeply. Please help me make up where I lack. The other night I had a dream and in it, I was nursing your baby brother but I was crying - missing you - wishing I would have had this time with you too. Please help us feel your love and comfort. You always seemed to make everything feel okay.
Life is beautiful Gavin. I never thought I would be able to say that again - but there is a reason we have hope. Your presence in my life has taught me that. Your picture hangs all over our house. We will tell this baby all about you and how much we love the two boys we have been blessed with.
Your work is important Gavin. I know that. I believe that. It is because of that knowledge I can have hope, faith and joy. Please know I love you. You are a special boy and I am blessed to be your mother.
Dear Sweet Husband,
Tonight I feel I must tell you how honored I am to spend my life with you. I could list all of the reasons I am crazy about you - but it would take forever and I would inevitably miss a few qualities I adore.
Life with you has been more beautiful than I ever had expected. We have had times of disappointments, challenges and changes but you have always been constant. You never wavered with your love for me, your sons or your Heavenly Father. You have been a foundation in our home. You have lifted me in despairing times and have in return given me the opportunity to stretch and have my testimony grow as well.
I couldn't have asked for a more perfect father for my two sons. I watched you battle belting in the car seat this last weekend and it hit me - you love this new baby boy so much. I watched you clean up our Gavin's headstone on Sunday and it hit me again - you love him too. This evening as my body is tired and uncomfortable you did all you could to help make my life a little bit easier. You are a wonderful husband and father. Never in a million years could I find another man like you.
Today when I told you of my anxieties and fears you said, "I will be right there with you." I never doubt that. I know you will be. I am a lucky girl to have a guy like you.
I love you,


Malia said...

You are beautiful, Lindsay. Absolutely every single little piece of you. Your three boys are blessed to have you, too. I'm thinking about you, praying for you and the baby, and have faith that somehow Heavenly Father is going to help all the pieces you're worrying about fit together.

Scott, Amber, and Landon said...

love this! It's so sweet and yet so profound. I know that as this new one arrives you will find the balance you seek after. The love will only expand! Both of your sweet boys will always know of your love. Can't wait!!!

Alison said...

Hi (again),

I don't know you personally. I've commented before, and just need to tell you how much you inspire me to be better. I'm a cousin of your Mays cousins and found your blog a long time ago. Your family has been in our prayers and will continue to be as you prepare for Gavin's sweet baby brother. I'm just sobbing my little eye balls out after reading your beautiful words. Thanks for sharing. You uplift and inspire semi-complete strangers.

Carrie said...

Thanks for sharing Lindsay. I was thinking last night how much I am going to miss having you around, but I am so glad for you. You do have three sweet boys. Your life is full because you appreciate it. Thanks for being a great friend, example and visiting teacher. We love the Baileys!! Good luck today. We are thinking of you and praying for you!

Heather and Billy said...

Sometimes I hate how all your posts have a way of making me bawl my eyes out.
I wholeheartedly agree with Amber about finding a balance and sense of wholeness...and a love that you will constantly be amazed at how it can expand.