God Must Have A Great Sense Of Humor

Today in our primary class this was the prayer said by a six year old boy:

Heavenly Father,

Thank you that we could come to church.

Bless that we will have a fun time and listen to our teachers.

Bless that we will have a fun time at church.

Actually, I really don't like church.

I wanna go home.

I would rather be at home painting.

Amen

Jack's First Haircut

The time has come. Jack has had his first haircut. Thanks to Aunt Lauren who did a FANTASTIC job!

A few "before" pictures "You are gonna do WHAT to my HAIR?!"Last look at the mullet.

"NOOOOO!"

What a handsome boy with his awesome Aunt LarLar!

Sleeping and Swimming

After a fun Memorial Day weekend with Grandma Bailey and Aunt Trisha - we decided it was time to post some pictures.

First and most importantly (for mom). . . Jack is now sleeping in a crib!

All night!

WOOHOO!

The pain and few sleepless nights (and mental breakdowns) were so worth it!

Jack is stylin' for his first swim in Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Dave's pool!

A Bad Day

Yesterday my poor husband received a call from a tired, worn out, frantic and hysterical wife. The conversation went something like this (if he could make it out through the sobs):

"I'm tired. He won't stop crying. He has cried for an hour and a half. I have tried EVERYTHING. He doesn't want to sleep in his crib. I don't think I can do this anymore. I am going to stop nursing and I wanna go back to work."

Of course, that conversation was preluded by an afternoon of screaming and a night prior with no more than an hour of consecutive sleep. All because we want him to sleep in THIS now . . .

And 0f course, today is a better day. :)

I don't think I will quit nursing and I love being at home with him.

Being a mother is not for the faint of heart.

Jack is 4 Months Old!

This month has been really fun with Jack. He is still a very particular baby and knows what he wants, but he has started to interact with us more and have a lot of fun.
This month Jack:
Weighs 13 lbs 8 oz (2 months was 10 lbs. 15 oz and 3 months was 12 lbs. 2 oz.)
Length 24.5 inches (2 months was 21.25 inches and 3 months was 23.5 inches)
No longer sleeps through the night . . . SIGH . . .
May possibly be getting his first two teeth
Rolls over all the time from his tummy to his back (but still hates tummy time)
Rolls from his back to his side
Does a fake cough to get my attention
Sits up with assistance
Tries to pull himself up to sit up - but can't stay sitting up
Bares his weight on his legs
Has grown a very successful mullet (first haircut is coming soon)
Has been introduced to solid foods
Has moved to a "big boy" bath
Started sleeping in his crib (as of today)
Still yells at me when he doesn't get my attention in a "timely fashion"
Giggles out loud when I play Peek-A-Boo with him
Wraps his arms around my neck and buries his head when I pick him up from naps
Will only snuggle with mom when he is cranky

Traces circles on my chest when he is nursing
Loves watching Baby Einstein and swinging in his swing
Has gone to the water park
Has put his feet in Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Dave's pool
Is looking forward to another visit with Grandma and Grandpa Bailey

THE MANY FACES OF JACK

Rice Cereal and a Naked Baby!

He didn't love it . . . Oh, well. We will try again another day!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is still a difficult day for me. I think it always will be. I listen to the primary children sing to their moms at church and it makes my heart break over and over. I can't help but think that I should have an almost two year old boy sitting beside us.

I can't help but think about the way my life SHOULD have been.

The way I had it all planned out in my head . . .

But sometimes life takes a different course and we are forced to accept change and find peace with our "new normals."

Even with the thoughts of Gavin and the longing to hold him - especially on a day like today . . . I would be ungrateful if I didn't show my gratitude for my sweet son Jack. Sunday morning Jack brought me Cinnamon rolls in bed (with dad's help, of course) and did a funny little dance to brighten my day (also with dad's help). Then Jack gave me a silver ring with his and Gavin's names engraved on it. A perfect gift from the boys I love most.

I have to say this Mother's Day was the slightest bit easier than the last one. I cuddled Jack all day long and told him how much I love him. I never want him to go a day without knowing how much happiness he has brought into our lives.

Jack and Grandpa spent a good half hour napping together. Isn't that cute?!

A Saturday Night Surprise

I have the BEST husband EVER.

Wanna know why?

Saturday night he took me to see . . .

HIM

(Jason Mraz)

Who opened the concert for . . .

HIM

(Dave Matthews)

This may have been one of my top three best concerts EVER! It was so entertaining and full of energy. Nothing like a little Mr. A to Z and Dave to make it a wonderful Mother's Day weekend!

We were out until about 1:am. And the next morning we both decided that we are too old to pull these late nights anymore. :) Hee Hee Hee

Look What I Did!

Gardening has never been my thing. However, last Saturday Jason and I were out running a few errands and we saw some daisys. They remind me of Gavin. They are beautiful and happy. So, I convinced Jason that I would attempt (ahem, attempt is the key word here) to keep them alive. I bought three different colors and I think they look so pretty in our courtyard!

Bath Time

This was just too cute! Jack still loves his baths - in fact, sometimes when he is in the middle of a crying fit, a bath will calm him down for a bit.

I just love being his momma!

How Do They Do It?

Okay, so after two crazy days of trying to achieve all the things a mom is supposed to do - I just have one question to ask . . . HOW DO THEY DO IT?

There are some friends of mine that I totally admire. Their children are always dressed and hair done. They look fantastic themselves. They have the patience of a saint. They shop, have a clean home, go out with friends, go to church and a million other things. And they do it gracefully. Without missing a beat.

So, yesterday, as I barley clung onto my screaming son and pushed the stroller out of the store which then got caught on the other door - I felt so clumsy and crazy! Then I held my crying baby and walked up and down the aisle at a restaurant while people stared at me. I didn't even shower . . . not a great day to be stared at. Not to mention the baby weight that is refusing to come off.

How do these moms always have it together?! AND look beautiful doing it?! Is there some secret no one has told me about?! :)

Dear Gavin

Dear Gavin,

I miss you today. I miss you so much.

Today I as I was feeding Jack a bottle in the portable crib (cause he won't take a bottle if I am holding him) I rested my head against the side of his crib. Instantly memories flooded my thoughts. How many times did I rest my head on the side of your crib as I sat by your side? The memories felt like a 10,000 pound weight crushing me. And you know that was odd? I welcomed it. It was like running into an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile. I greeted that weight with open arms. You see, the pain isn't like it used to be. Please don't misunderstand, my heart is still broken as I miss you, but I have come to embrace your mission and have gratitude for the time we had with you. The most defining three months of my life.

As I rested my head next to Jack I thought about the days I laid my head by you.

I remember the heat of the July sun as I drove to visit my first newborn in the NICU.

I remember the feelings of fear and desperation a mother feels when she knows there is nothing she can do to make her son better.

I remembered how the butterflies filled my stomach every time I called to check on you - would the nurse have good things to tell me? Or difficult reports?

I remember waiting during your surgeries - praying that God would give me a little more time with you.

I remember standing by your bed with Grandpa Dave as a doctor told us it would be in your best interest to take you off of life support. I looked into those bright blue eyes and knew that I couldn't face that decision after only having you for three weeks.

I remember how it felt to tell that doctor never to bring up that option again.

I remember what you wore and how you smelled.

I remember giving you late night baths and staying with you until you fell asleep.

I remember fighting for you.

I remember worrying about how we would pay for your care.

I remember how it felt to hold your little body in my arms.

I remember what it felt like to kiss you sweet forehead and touch your beautiful cheeks.

I remember what it felt like to run my fingers through your silver hair.

I remember what if felt like to hear your thoughts and communicate on a completely spiritual level.

I remember how many doctors and nurses loved you.

I remember waiting for you to arrive at PCMC with your dad.

I remember being scared of a new place with new people who didn't know your "tricks."

I remember what if looked like to watch you stop breathing.

I remember what it felt like to be the first one there to start you breathing again.

I remember what it felt like to realize your plan.

I remember what if felt like to hold you for the very last time.

I remember the relief I felt for you.

I remember the pain I felt for us left here.

I remember feeling like I couldn't ever be happy again.

But, I also remember what it felt like to know you were around.

I remember what it felt like to know that God never leaves us.

I remember the comfort I have to know that we will meet again.

I remember the ways that I have changed because of you.

You see, a momma never forgets the time she has with her child.

Gavin, I miss you terribly today. I wish I could go back in time today - even if I had to feel that pain all over again. Just to hold you would be worth it.

Life is good with Jack. We are happy and we laugh much more than we have in a long time. God has been gracious to us. We have received more blessings than I ever would have deserved.

I still think I am the luckiest momma in the world. Heavenly Father gave you to me to be my son. He knew that I would love you no matter what and that I would fight to the very end for you. He knew that I would change forever once you came into my life. You have motivated me to be a better person and to have faith.

I miss you. I love you. We all can't wait to be with you again.

Love,

Your Momma