I miss you today. I miss you so much.
I miss you today. I miss you so much.
Today I as I was feeding Jack a bottle in the portable crib (cause he won't take a bottle if I am holding him) I rested my head against the side of his crib. Instantly memories flooded my thoughts. How many times did I rest my head on the side of your crib as I sat by your side? The memories felt like a 10,000 pound weight crushing me. And you know that was odd? I welcomed it. It was like running into an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile. I greeted that weight with open arms. You see, the pain isn't like it used to be. Please don't misunderstand, my heart is still broken as I miss you, but I have come to embrace your mission and have gratitude for the time we had with you. The most defining three months of my life.
As I rested my head next to Jack I thought about the days I laid my head by you.
I remember the heat of the July sun as I drove to visit my first newborn in the NICU.
I remember the feelings of fear and desperation a mother feels when she knows there is nothing she can do to make her son better.
I remembered how the butterflies filled my stomach every time I called to check on you - would the nurse have good things to tell me? Or difficult reports?
I remember waiting during your surgeries - praying that God would give me a little more time with you.
I remember standing by your bed with Grandpa Dave as a doctor told us it would be in your best interest to take you off of life support. I looked into those bright blue eyes and knew that I couldn't face that decision after only having you for three weeks.
I remember how it felt to tell that doctor never to bring up that option again.
I remember what you wore and how you smelled.
I remember giving you late night baths and staying with you until you fell asleep.
I remember fighting for you.
I remember worrying about how we would pay for your care.
I remember how it felt to hold your little body in my arms.
I remember what it felt like to kiss you sweet forehead and touch your beautiful cheeks.
I remember what it felt like to run my fingers through your silver hair.
I remember what if felt like to hear your thoughts and communicate on a completely spiritual level.
I remember how many doctors and nurses loved you.
I remember waiting for you to arrive at PCMC with your dad.
I remember being scared of a new place with new people who didn't know your "tricks."
I remember what if looked like to watch you stop breathing.
I remember what it felt like to be the first one there to start you breathing again.
I remember what it felt like to realize your plan.
I remember what if felt like to hold you for the very last time.
I remember the relief I felt for you.
I remember the pain I felt for us left here.
I remember feeling like I couldn't ever be happy again.
But, I also remember what it felt like to know you were around.
I remember what it felt like to know that God never leaves us.
I remember the comfort I have to know that we will meet again.
I remember the ways that I have changed because of you.
You see, a momma never forgets the time she has with her child.
Gavin, I miss you terribly today. I wish I could go back in time today - even if I had to feel that pain all over again. Just to hold you would be worth it.
Life is good with Jack. We are happy and we laugh much more than we have in a long time. God has been gracious to us. We have received more blessings than I ever would have deserved.
I still think I am the luckiest momma in the world. Heavenly Father gave you to me to be my son. He knew that I would love you no matter what and that I would fight to the very end for you. He knew that I would change forever once you came into my life. You have motivated me to be a better person and to have faith.
I miss you. I love you. We all can't wait to be with you again.