"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Sunday, June 28, 2009


We spent these last few days like this . . . I pretty much quarantined our home this last week. The three of us ended up sharing the same cold all week. No big deal for Jason and myself, but this was a first for Jack. I was terrified of Jack's first cold. Jason was out of town on business for a few days last week, so I was nervous being home all day and night alone with a sick baby. I know it's silly to be scared of a cold, and I know I need to get used to sick kids - but my experience with sick kids is different. In Gavin's three months he had eight infections/colds/pneumonia including two strep and three staff infections. Something simple like a cold was literally life threatening for Gavin. Now I have to shift my paradigm and realize what a "healthy" sick baby is like. Thankfully, Jack is almost over the cold and just is a little stuffy. I was so grateful for Jack's strong body that could fight this illness so quickly.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

First "Real" Food

We are finally moving on from cereals to real fruits and vegetables. Today we attempted avocado. (I read that it was a great first food.) Jack didn't think much of it.
Lunch went somthing like this:

Hmmm . . . we will try again tomorrow.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

King of Pop

I am sure everyone has heard the new about Michael Jackson passing away today. I'm sad. Although he became an odd and eccentric individual - he was a music legend.
On the radio today they were talking about your most memorable "Michael Jackson moment." Mine happened in the late 80's when I was about 6 or 7. I remember being in bed one October evening shortly before Halloween when my dad came bursting into my room and told me to come see the TV. He then went to my younger brother James' room and woke him up too. My dad was SO excited to show us the Michael Jackson "Thriller" music video. I loved the singing, dancing and costumes - but mostly, I loved thinking how cool my dad was 'cause he liked Michael Jackson! :)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Jack Is Five Months Old

Time is an interesting concept with a baby. The last five months have seemed like an eternity and yet at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday that we brought Jack home from the hospital. Every day I fall more and more in love with him. He still has some "behavior issues" (as I like to call them) but he is so fun to play with now. He interacts so much and is developing a very strong personality. I think it's cute . . . Jason rolls his eyes and says, "Yep, just like his momma."

This month Jack:

stopped nursing - he weaned himself over a week and then wanted nothing to do with nursing at all. I was sad, but at least feedings aren't a battle too much anymore.

has learned to eat cereals - he loves rice cereal, oatmeal, and mixed grains

has learned to love a little bit of prune juice mixed with his cereal (ulterior motives there on my part)

has learned to stay sitting up without help, but still will tip over after a few minutes

loves to sit in his Bumbo seat on the island while I make dinner and talk to him

has learned to ooch all over the floor

can roll around like a little roly poly bug from tummy to back and back to tummy

has attempted the "Mogoli" walk (you know? from Jungle Book? He buries his head into the ground and stands up on his feet so his cute bum is in the air)

loves his silky blankie by his face when he falls asleep

has slept through the night (10:00pm to 6:00am) three weeks in a row

thinks it is hilarious when I cough

has learned to fake cough and thinks HE is hilarious

smiles great big smiles to anyone who stops to look at him in public

can scream louder than any baby I have ever been around

still loves his swing

does a puppy dog pant

has a crush on Annie from "Little Einsteins" (he smiles and squeals whenever she talks on the show . . . he must have a thing for blonds)

hates church with a passion - I mean, how does he know the difference? We make it through the first 30 minutes and then I spend the rest of the meetings walking OUTSIDE with him because he is screaming so loud I can't even roam the hallways)

looses his temper with his toys - especially if they don't fit into his mouth the way he wants them to

has pretty good screaming fits followed by big smiles and laughs - yeah, not sure what that is all about, but it is EXHAUSTING!

has been to the water park

has been swimming

like to go on walks

still has bad reflux and other digestive issues

has his first haircut and already needs another

I love being Jack's momma. He has brought so much happiness to our family. Not every day is easy or ideal, but I love this whole "mom" thing.

Monday, June 8, 2009

The Letters On Jack's Wall . . .

. . . were whittled by Jason from a 100 year oak tree in our back yard. HA! JUST KIDDING! They are cardboard/paper mache block letters from Joann's Craft Store. They are only about $8 a letter and if you find a really good sale you can get them for about $4. I love them cause they are light weight and I don't worry about them falling and hurting our little man.

Friday, June 5, 2009

From The Outside Looking In

I have been thinking about this for awhile now. It's actually been weighing on my mind a lot lately. Consider that your warning . . .

The other day while I was out at the store I noticed a woman looking at me with Jack. It wasn't the normal "awwww . . . look at the baby" look - it was a sad look. I had to wonder what she was feeling. I wondered about her story and her life experiences. Was she a mother who lost a child? Lost a pregnancy? Lost the hopes and dreams of ever being pregnant and having children? Maybe it was nothing. Maybe I was reading into it too much, but the longing in her eyes made me wonder what I look like from the outside now.

After Gavin passed away I felt like I walked around with a gigantic sign on my back. One that said, "Look at me. My baby just died." I felt like everyone was watching everything I did. Waiting for me to breakdown. Waiting to see how I would react in certain situations or with certain topics. And if people didn't know . . . I felt angry with them. Sometimes I just wanted to stand in the middle of the store and yell, "My baby that was once here is now gone. My baby suffered for months! Why don't you appreciate your children?!"

Soon after (and thankfully sooner rather than later), the anger towards others turned into envy and jealousy. I remember watching pregnant women walking into the hospital as I was leaving the doctor's office and I knew they were going to give birth. And most likely they would have healthy, normal children and could never appreciate the heartache I was feeling. I found myself jealous of them. Jealous for their children's health and jealous that their lives were going along "normal" while mine had just been turned upside down.

I am not shy to admit it. I was jealous of them and I was angry with God.

I remember thinking, "Why doesn't MY baby deserve to live? Why don't I deserve the happiness I see other mom's having." Looking back now I realize the amazing blessings and happiness I have and will have again someday, but in the middle of those months, it was difficult to see past an hour. Let alone a day, a week, a month and forget about a year. When you have a baby like Gavin you literally live minute to minute. Literally.

Then the months came after he passed away. They took forever. Once again living minute by minute. I remember watching moms in the store. I remember thinking (and judging them unfairly) that they couldn't appreciate the miracle of healthy children who are here. Of course there were the moms who were upset with their kids, but mostly I saw kind and loving moms who were doing the very best they could. And I was still jealous and wishful. Hoping that I would have that chance someday.

Now here I sit. I have one angel baby and another sweet boy who is here and healthy and tests my patience too. And now I wonder . . . how do I come across to those in public who watch me? No longer do I feel they watch me for the same reasons, but I know there are other moms who are going through difficult times like I have. Do they see me and think about how I have a "normal" life" and wish they had one too? Little do they know the heartache and agony our family has been through to get to this point.

I guess the whole purpose of this post is to ask a collective forgiveness from the moms who I watched and envied and unjustly judged. You never know what someone has been through. I wonder what I must look like from the outside looking in. Life has a funny way of coming around and teaching you lessons. I learned so many lessons during our brief time with Gavin, but I still seem to be learning from that experience.

I am ashamed of my past anger and jealousy. However, I do realize that we are human and we are given human emotions for a reason. I do not believe in holding back and ignoring those human feelings, but I do believe that it is how we react to those feelings that will either make or break us.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Jack's Nursery

We have finally completed Jack's nursery . . . well, most of it. There are still a few little things here and there that I would like to do. Jason did such a fantastic job on the room. I don't know if Jack appreciates all his hard work yet, but I sure do. Jack is a lucky boy to have a dad who has built this beautiful room for him.