As I reflected on the feeling of loss and grief this week I felt overwhelmed by the loneliness that is left in my heart. I ached for those who were suffering this week and was genuinely trying to "mourn with those that mourn." Sometimes this road seems too much to handle on our own. At one particular moment of sadness the lyrics to a primary song popped into my head.
I am a child of God
And He has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear
Walk Beside Me
Help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with Him someday
This is a song I have been singing ever since ever. I was taught this song long before I could understand the meaning of it. I had an "ah-ha" moment as I thought about the last part of the song.
Lead me. Guide me. Walk beside me.
I realized that throughout these very difficult (almost) three years I have been led, guided and walked with consistently. I feel like it was a process. During my most difficult days I know I was following. I was being led by so many people. The days after Gavin passed away I remember being led by so many people. I needed someone to tell me what to do. I remember my mother saying, "You need to eat now. You need to shower and get dressed now. We need to pick out his casket today and a plot tomorrow." I needed to be led because I could not do it on my own. I needed people to find comforting words for me and listen when I needed to talk. I was surrounded by so many amazing people who help lead me. However, most of all I was lead by a kind and gentle Heavenly Father.
Our Father in Heaven does not put us down here and then abandon us. He leads us. And then when we are a little bit more stable on our feet, He guides us. He puts people in our path to help share the load of grief. He guides us to comfort and peace.
And now, almost three years later I can look back and see how He has walked beside me. He still does. And on those days where it still just hurts too much, I know that at any minute I can turn to Him and ask for guidance again.
Wednesday I was reading from the Book of Mormon and came upon the passage in Alma 7:12. It says, "And He will take upon Him death, that He may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and He will take upon Him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy . . . that He may know how to succor His people according to their infirmities."
This passage refers to the Atonement of Christ. He was sent not only to atone for our sins, but to know our infirmities, our pain, or sorrow. He knows what we feel and how to comfort us best. I am grateful for that knowledge. I am grateful to have the privilege to look back during times of trial and see where he has led me, guided me and walked beside me.