I have felt quite a bit of trepidation as we approach this upcoming week with Gavin's 4th birthday. It feels much more difficult for me this year than it did last year. That is just how my grief comes.
As I have been anticipating his birthday this year I find myself at times questioning our whole experience and the challenges we were faced with. Even though I have faith and know that God is kind and merciful - I can feel myself being tempted and persuaded to believe otherwise. I begin to wonder why He would let something so difficult happen to Gavin - to my husband - to me - to our families.
As I reflect and remember those three short months with Gavin I have prayed for peace and comfort. Today I received an overwhelming feeling of comfort as I sat with a sweet child in church who has some special needs. Once again, I felt His loving arms wrapped around me and I KNOW that this is all for a reason and a purpose and the only thing we have control over now is how we respond and react to our feelings and emotions.
Last month for book club we read the book "The Shack" by William Young. There was a passage in the book that I marked and have read over and over.
"The Great Sadness would not be part of his identity any longer. He knew now that Missy wouldn't care if he refused to put it on. In fact, she wouldn't want him to huddle in that shroud and would likely grieve for him if he did."
The Great Sadness comes and goes in my life now. While I always have a very, very special place in my heart for Gavin, I try to not let the sadness overpower me. What once began as a shroud of grief has opened up - letting rays of sunshine in an warming my aching heart. Of course there are days where the clouds come and the rain pours, but they are scattered now. I can choose to let in the sun and feel His loving embrace during those difficult days.