Yup . . . The Pregnant Girl Is Blogging About Food

A friend of mine made carmel corn for an early birthday present. That's a turkey pan full of it! I am one lucky girl! Hmmmm . . . how will I explain the excessive weight gain to my OB?

Lance Armstrong? Is That You?

Jason finally got a chance to ride his new bike this last weekend. It was a birthday present (from February) but it has taken us awhile to get all the "gear" for him to ride safely. That's my only stipulation to the biking hobby - it has to be done safely. :) I know, I know . . . I worry too much.

Saturday morning he went out for a little over an hour and when he came home the first thing he said was, "This freaking hurts my butt!" HA!

Graduation Bound

Today Jason begins his last semester of graduate school. December graduation here we come! I think he felt like this day would never come . . . but three and a half years have passed us by. There has been nothing easy about Jason going to work full time and attending classes at night mixed in with church responsibilities, a critically ill child and a wife to keep happy. I am amazed at how he was able to keep it together and maintain a great sense of humor about it all. When we first thought of graduate school for Jason, we figured the time would pass whether he was in school or not - so he might as well go. I have watched him work so hard, have great experiences and accomplish so many goals. I am proud of you, Jason. You are an amazing husband, father and best friend.

Life is good.

I'm crazy about you.

And here is a picture . . . cause I can't resist posting a picture of Gavin with his daddy.

Have you ever seen a daddy with so much love in his eyes?

Breaking Dawn

"Breaking Dawn" by Stephanie Meyer has been my escape for the past few weeks. This was the book club pick for this month and we all really liked it. In fact, book club lasted for three hours Thursday night! Since everyone knew they would be reading it anyway, we decided it was the best choice this go around. It's sweet. It's simple. It's an escape from the real world. I have read some online reviews about the book not being "real" enough. Critics say it's "too make-believe." Um, hello? It's about vampires! What is remotely real about that to begin with? It is fiction - young adult fiction at that. And one more thing . . . is it really so bad to read something that isn't "real?" Don't we all get enough real life to want an escape to a simple romance and dream about being married to a vampire?

I Miss You

I Have a Plan

Yes, I have plan and I am so excited about it. Come the end of January . . . I am hiding. No obligations, no responsibility, no errands, no "have-to's." I plan on sitting in my pajamas and rocking my baby all day. I'm hiding for two months.

That is my plan.

A Year Ago Today

After Gavin was born, my mom (Gavin's Grandma Cindy) would send out nightly emails updating family and friends of Gavin's day. She never missed a day emailing those who cared so much about him and it is because of her that we have a journal of all the events surrounding Gavin and his three months with us. I never had the time or ability to write much during his time with us - I wanted to be with him every moment I could. I don't know if Grandma Cindy can even comprehend how grateful we are to her. She kept a record of Gavin's life, the lessons we have learned and the acceptance that finally developed to accept the Lord's will for Gavin.

In the morning before work, Jason and I read our scriptures and during this time of reflection we often read what happened on this day in 2007 with our precious Gavin. I almost crave to feel it all again. The good, the bad, the difficult days and the joyful days. It has been such a gift to have this book of emails that some of my sweet cousins put together for us. Many mornings we read and reminisce about our time with Gavin. It is sacred time for us - time that has been preserved because of others service to our family.

Here is what Grandma Cindy wrote last year on this day. I have in bold the parts I found of importance to me today.

August 21, 2007
This morning Lindsay met with the surgeon who will be performing the G-tube and tummy wrap on Gavin next week. He was able to answer many of her questions. There was a three month old baby in the hospital having his G-tube removed (apparently he outgrew his feeding disorder) and Lindsay was able to see what the appliance looks like. She said that Gavin was active and moving around some today. He did have another throwing up episode. This has Lindsay anxious for the tummy wrap to be done soon. As she and Jason were by his side tonight he had both eyes open. Is is a holding pattern as we wait for the Wednesday morning trach surgery. We are each being tested as to our "patience endurance" - it is excruciatingly painful for Jason and Lindsay. This would be an impossible situation without the comfort that comes from knowing that our Lord is mindful of us and most importantly Gavin and his parents. We know that there are many prayers being offered on his behalf and are so grateful for the knowledge that our Lord hears our prayers. We have seen miracles in this little boy's life and continue to ask for blessings and miracles to be poured out upon him and his parents. I keep going back to the Bible Dictionary on prayer and I reread this part often. "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Prayer is a form of work, and is appointed for obtaining the highest of all blessings." Please keep this little family in your prayers.
Love,
Grandma Cindy

I feel so blessed to have this perspective now. It has brought me peace. All my life I thought that if I prayed hard enough, lived a righteous life and had faith - all would go my way. This is not true - we have to ask, have faith and hope - but in the end we are not to change the will of the Lord. I don't know why we were only given three months with Gavin. I don't know why Heavenly Father needed him back so quickly. I don't know why I only got to be a mother as an onlooker from the sidelines. I don't know why we had watch our son suffer. I don't know why we had to make the decision we did. However, I do know that it was the Lord's will to give Gavin a body that couldn't sustain life. I know it was His will to let us give Gavin back after only three months. And with all of that suffering, anxiety and angst came a multitude of miracles and tender mercies. I still remember the day I finally realized that what I wanted for Gavin wasn't best for him - and with that realization came peace.
We may not have received the miracles we set out to ask for . . . but I recognize the miracles we did receive and those miracles are what helps me make it through days that seem too lonely and sad. Our miracle was that Gavin made it through the pregnancy and delivery. Our miracle was that we were give three months. Our miracle was that I have pictures to look at. Our miracle was that we know his personality. But mostly, our miracle was what this experience has done to change us. Not the miracles we asked for - but miracles nonetheless.

The Bambino - Week 18

I know pregnancy details aren't always interesting to other people, but for the sake of my own family history I thought I would write a little about this pregnancy and post a few pictures. We were successful in getting pictures of month one, three and four. I don't think I really even remember month two . . . I was either asleep or throwing up during that month. Ugh - that was rough. I have ended up feeling really great since about week 14 (please don't hate me all of you who never get that "okay" feeling). I never felt this good with Gavin - I was nauseous until the day I had him. It has been nice to get a little energy back this time and finally feel like I don't need to carry food with me at all times in case of an emergency. :) We truly have felt so much gratitude for this little boy that we have affectionately named "The Bambino."

The doctors appointments continue every other week and so far we are told that he looks healthy. Of course, we won't be totally convinced until that baby boy is in our arms and we are walking out of the hospital with him to go home. However, we have had a very optimistic and peaceful feeling about our little Bambino.

I really hate pregnancy pictures of me . . . especially since I seem to have doubled in size just by my fourth month - but I know it's fun for other people to look at laugh! SO, laugh away! :)

Guilt

Logical or as illogical as it may seem . . . there are things I have (and sometimes still) feel guilty about.

I remember the moment we were told that you weren't okay, and the guilt settled over me like a suffocating blanket. What did I do?

I remember leaving the hospital with an empty baby carrier.

I remember the first time I was angry with God.

I remember the first night I wasn't there to kiss you good night.

I remember the first meal I ate after you were born.

I remember the first night at home while you stayed in the hospital.

I remember pumping milk instead of feeding you like a normal mommy would.

I remember signing consents for your surgeries, procedures and blood transfusions.

I remember the first time I turned on the tv.

I remember the first time I laughed - and you weren't there.

I remember the first time I cried in front of you - I never wanted you to see me cry.

I remember the first night I came home so exhausted that I forget to call the nurse to check on you before I went to bed - I woke up at 3 am and called.

I remember the only day I didn't see you - I was on my way to SLC with Grandma Cindy to wait for your life fight arrival at PCMC.

I remember leaving the hospital to buy shoes so my feet wouldn't get so tired standing by your bed.

I remember the first prayer I uttered that I didn't beg for you to get better.

I remember the next prayer asking for understanding.

I remember praying with your daddy about what to do for you.

I remember holding you in my arms until you took your last breath.

And after . . .

I remember walking away from your new resting place.

I remember the first time I felt peace about your plan.

I remember the first time I talked about you without crying.

I remember the first time I laughed after you were gone - I never thought I would be able to laugh again.

I remember the first morning I woke up without that automatic pit in my stomach.

I remember the day I actually thought, "Maybe things are getting better."

I remember the day I realized that things would never be better.

I remember the day we found out that you would be a big brother.

I remember the first time I felt like I might be able to love another little boy the way I love you.

Guilt is such an interesting aspect of grief. I know it is normal - and I know that it is normal to feel guilty over things that I shouldn't. At the beginning of Gavin's life I woke up every single day drenched in sadness, fear and guilt. One of the most prominent thoughts I have had about grief is that there is no reasoning with it. It is illogical and individual. I know that it is illogical for me to feel guilty about leaving Gavin one afternoon at PCMC to buy comfortable shoes. But I do. It was time I could have spent with him.

I also know that with time guilt can subside and reasoning can take it's place. I tend to be really hard on myself and I am learning that there are certain aspects of life I cannot control. With that realization has come freedom and portions of happiness.

Grief is cyclical. For me, it comes in waves. Sometimes it is calm and sometimes it is like a hurricane. Sometimes I feel angry - sometimes I feel guilt - sometimes I feel sad. However, I have noticed that my anger is less often and the guilt is (for the most part) subsiding. I have to have faith that I was as good of a mother as I could be, given the circumstance. As for the sadness, it still can be overwhelming, but the days are getting better. The comfort of a loving Heavenly Father and the memories of Gavin bring me peace.

Happy REALLY Belated Birthday Matty

I admit it . . . I am a bad big sister. I dawned on me yesterday that I never did a post about my brother Matthew's birthday! Ummm, and his birthday was in JUNE! Matty is the the youngest of my siblings. He's a riot and makes me laugh all of the time. When I was pregnant with Gavin and really sick, Matty walked into the living room where I was laying on the couch and started an improv serenade with his guitar and a song about pregnancy. Thinking about a (at the time) 15 year old boy singing about pregnancy symptoms still makes me laugh. Matty's sense of humor has always been one of my favorite traits, but he also has a very sweet and compassionate side to him as well. This summer my parents' ward went on a pioneer trek for all of the youth ages 12 to 18. They were divided into families and each family was given a "baby" to take care of during their time in the northern Nevada wilderness. Apparently, Matthew became fairly attached to the baby and this picture was taken of him one evening after a long day of hiking. I thought it was so sweet that Matty would take "care" of this doll when he could easily pass it off to another person in the family. I have high hopes for my Matty. You will be a wonderful uncle, husband and father. I love you my Matty.

Gratitude

Do you ever have one of those days where life just seems a bit overwhelming? I had one of those days recently. Life just seemed like a bit much . . . too much to do and not enough time. Our insurance company isn't paying Gavin's medical bills yet and we are having to fight much more than I anticipated. But, really? A year later and we are still dealing with it? I constantly worry about the health of our new baby - and that anxiety is consuming a lot of the time. It just felt like too much for me the other day when I sat in the darkness of Gavin's room at home. I wanted to cry out of frustration. I know most of you know the kind of feeling I am talking about.

As I sat on the baseball beanbag chair we have in Gavin's room, my eyes were immediately drawn to this picture on the shelf.

The first glimpse of this picture gave me an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude. It was an immediate realization that I had so much to be grateful for. I have a son who has made that transition from this life to the next - and he is happy. What more could a mother ask for than a happy child? I have the knowledge that while I may not be able to see Gavin here, I have the opportunity to be with him again after this life. I am grateful for the knowledge and a belief system that can help me cope with losing a child and I am grateful that I have a Savior who understands all of my joys, happiness, grief, worry and anxiety. Gavin has taught me so much. I never knew that I could look back and say that I am grateful for "this." We have been given a gift of a sweet son who will always be a part of our lives. I also have been given the opportunity to make myself a better individual and I have been blessed with a more clear picture of the important things in life. Yes, there are difficult parts to this too - but I feel so much gratitude today.

Baby Bailey Is A . . .

BOY!

Today we went for another appointment with the perinatologist and we were informed that we are having another little boy! We couldn't be more excited. We decided that Gavin must be sending his best friend from heaven to join our family. I feel like such a lucky girl to have my three boys.

**** He will probably hate me in sixteen years for this . . . but here is the picture of his little peepee! ****

A Single Red Balloon

I watch that red balloon float up, up and up

A red balloon against the brilliant blue sky

I watch it until it floats so high I cannot see it

That is where you are

Red

The only color you could see

Red

The color of grandpa's tie and grandma's blouse they wore just for you

Red

The color of the daisys we bought for you the day we laid you to rest

Red

The color of cried out eyes

Red

The color of the balloon I picked to send to you

And now, it floats to heaven

I wrote a message to you on that red balloon

That message I have uttered so many times before

"Gavin - your momma is here!"

When you were here that message was whispered to comfort you

Now, I use that message as a plea

Please know your momma is here

I am here and you are there

Today I send this red balloon

I hope it gets to you

I hope you see your momma and daddy and all those who love you
I hope you know I picked this red balloon out just for you