A Year Ago Today

After Gavin was born, my mom (Gavin's Grandma Cindy) would send out nightly emails updating family and friends of Gavin's day. She never missed a day emailing those who cared so much about him and it is because of her that we have a journal of all the events surrounding Gavin and his three months with us. I never had the time or ability to write much during his time with us - I wanted to be with him every moment I could. I don't know if Grandma Cindy can even comprehend how grateful we are to her. She kept a record of Gavin's life, the lessons we have learned and the acceptance that finally developed to accept the Lord's will for Gavin.

In the morning before work, Jason and I read our scriptures and during this time of reflection we often read what happened on this day in 2007 with our precious Gavin. I almost crave to feel it all again. The good, the bad, the difficult days and the joyful days. It has been such a gift to have this book of emails that some of my sweet cousins put together for us. Many mornings we read and reminisce about our time with Gavin. It is sacred time for us - time that has been preserved because of others service to our family.

Here is what Grandma Cindy wrote last year on this day. I have in bold the parts I found of importance to me today.

August 21, 2007
This morning Lindsay met with the surgeon who will be performing the G-tube and tummy wrap on Gavin next week. He was able to answer many of her questions. There was a three month old baby in the hospital having his G-tube removed (apparently he outgrew his feeding disorder) and Lindsay was able to see what the appliance looks like. She said that Gavin was active and moving around some today. He did have another throwing up episode. This has Lindsay anxious for the tummy wrap to be done soon. As she and Jason were by his side tonight he had both eyes open. Is is a holding pattern as we wait for the Wednesday morning trach surgery. We are each being tested as to our "patience endurance" - it is excruciatingly painful for Jason and Lindsay. This would be an impossible situation without the comfort that comes from knowing that our Lord is mindful of us and most importantly Gavin and his parents. We know that there are many prayers being offered on his behalf and are so grateful for the knowledge that our Lord hears our prayers. We have seen miracles in this little boy's life and continue to ask for blessings and miracles to be poured out upon him and his parents. I keep going back to the Bible Dictionary on prayer and I reread this part often. "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Prayer is a form of work, and is appointed for obtaining the highest of all blessings." Please keep this little family in your prayers.
Love,
Grandma Cindy

I feel so blessed to have this perspective now. It has brought me peace. All my life I thought that if I prayed hard enough, lived a righteous life and had faith - all would go my way. This is not true - we have to ask, have faith and hope - but in the end we are not to change the will of the Lord. I don't know why we were only given three months with Gavin. I don't know why Heavenly Father needed him back so quickly. I don't know why I only got to be a mother as an onlooker from the sidelines. I don't know why we had watch our son suffer. I don't know why we had to make the decision we did. However, I do know that it was the Lord's will to give Gavin a body that couldn't sustain life. I know it was His will to let us give Gavin back after only three months. And with all of that suffering, anxiety and angst came a multitude of miracles and tender mercies. I still remember the day I finally realized that what I wanted for Gavin wasn't best for him - and with that realization came peace.
We may not have received the miracles we set out to ask for . . . but I recognize the miracles we did receive and those miracles are what helps me make it through days that seem too lonely and sad. Our miracle was that Gavin made it through the pregnancy and delivery. Our miracle was that we were give three months. Our miracle was that I have pictures to look at. Our miracle was that we know his personality. But mostly, our miracle was what this experience has done to change us. Not the miracles we asked for - but miracles nonetheless.