Dear Gavin

Dear Gavin,

Today we are thinking of you. In fact, you are all I can think about. Your father and I spent the morning at the Temple. I love being there. I can feel the peace I need during these times of grief and loneliness. Then we went to lunch and talked about you and the memories we have of you. We laughed and cried. The day was beautiful and I know you and our Heavenly Father were mindful of us.

Today it has been two years since you returned to our Father in Heaven. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. My heart was full of grief, but also full of peace for you. I knew you would be returning to do the mission you were destined for - but my mother arms ached letting you go. I wanted to hold onto you forever. I would have if they would have let me.

I don't know if you can comprehend the anguish a mother feels as she wraps her lifeless baby boy in a hospital blanket, lays him in his bed and watches as he is rolled away. I remember praying that those talking care of your sweet body were kind to you. I know they were. We loved so many of the individuals who cared for you.

I do know that the feelings I had that night were unlike any I have ever had. The feelings of peace and calmness I felt during those last hours were something I had never felt before. It seemed as though there were hundreds of angels holding us up, comforting and supporting us as we walked with you to the end of your life here on Earth. I felt warm, calm and peaceful. I actually felt joy too. I was so grateful that I had been given three months with you - after all, the doctors said you should have never made it through the pregnancy. I knew your birth was a miracle, every day with you was a miracle and the way I felt around you was a miracle. And the night you left our arms for Heavenly Father's arms - I knew that was nothing short of a miracle. Miracles surrounded us that night. Things I will never forget.

Gavin, that night and all 93 nights leading up to that have changed my life. I feel more compassion, love, faith and hope than ever before. I hope you know that I love you. I support you in the endeavors you are faced with now. Please know that we are okay - we are sad and miss you, but we are okay. And, we are okay because we know we will see you again someday. And that day will be a miracle too.

Oh, how I love and miss you and love you my little bug.

Love,
Momma

Stand Steady and True

This morning I woke up thinking about the decisions we were faced with two years ago today and I was inspired to read what I had written about Gavin during his final days with us. As I was going through my journal I came across this quote that I must have heard shortly after Gavin passed away.

I think it speaks to many of us, for different reasons, at different times.

How blessed I am to be a daughter of God, to understand the gospel, to have a patient and loving husband, to have an eternal family, a beautiful son to watch over us from Heaven and one here for me to squeeze and kiss all day today.

Heavenly Father has blessed me with tender mercies and a special blessing of peace today.

I have a broken heart and yet, I am grateful for all I have and will have someday.

"Discipleship does not guarantee freedom from the storms of life. Even as we are wending our way carefully and faithfully along the straight and narrow path, we encounter obstacles and challenges. There are days, perhaps even months and years, when life is just hard. We experience our fair share of adversity, heartache, loneliness, pain and grief - sometimes it seems more than our fair share."

"What do we do when adversity strikes? There is only one thing to do. Stand steady and see it through. Stay steadfast, constant, and true. The real tragedy in the whirlwinds of life comes only when we allow them to blow us off our true course."

- David S. Baxter (Ensign, November 2006)

Perfect Memories

There are some days that you can remember every minute of no matter how many years later it is.

These next few days are like that for our family.

I can remember everything.

Like how two years ago tonight was the first time I didn't pray for Gavin to get better.

Instead I prayed to know His will.

Remembering things like that . . .

I watch the minutes pass and pray for strength and love to be in our home.

2009 Halloween Party

Every year our friends have an adult-only Halloween party.

The stakes are high and excellent costumes are a must.
There isn't much I can say for this post. The pictures pretty much say it all . .

Who You Gonna Call?

ARGH! The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man attacked our house!

What? What? Look at that butt!

Jack's First Trunk-Or-Treat

Tonight we had our first Trunk-Or-Treat. It was a first for all of us! I am not so sure Jack loved his costume though . . . Yup, pretty sure he hated it.And then he showed us how a tiger crawls! Too cute!

So What?!

So, maybe this morning I ate all of this while watching Halloween movies during Jack's nap.

And maybe, just maybe, I was throwing a pity party for myself and overindulging on carbs.

And maybe I was sad for dear family friends today who are having one of the most difficult days a family can have.

So, maybe I ate all of these . . . just maybe.

Halloween for Gavin

We always love to decorate for Gavin when it comes to the holidays.

We decided to bury Gavin in the children's section of the cememtery and I am so happy we made that decision. During the holidays it is actually a beautiful and fun place. Parents bring toys and flowers and all other types of decorations. It does have a youthful feel and a peaceful presence.

Tonight we decorated for Halloween. Jack had fun roaming around on the grass and I couldn't resist snapping a few photos.

Say Hello To Our (Second) Little Friend

Jack's second tooth officially broke through on Thursday October 15, 2009.

(Ummm . . . please ignore the lunch left overs up my child's nose.

I promise I DO wash his face . . .)

We now have a happy boy!

It's like a night and day difference!

Jack Is Nine Months Old!

My little buddy is nine months old now! Another month has come and gone . . . I sure hope I am taking in every minute!

This month Jack:

- weighs 17 lbs. 7 oz.
- is 27.5 inches tall
- is now in the 25% for height and weight
- has learned to crawl up the stairs . . . kinda
- has fallen down the stairs
- makes a funny monkey faces
- officially has one tooth
- walks along the couch
- can stand on his own until he realizes it, and then he falls
- loves to try to eat mom and dad's dinner (it's like having a puppy dog around every time we eat)
- says mama, dada, and baba
- sleeping 10 hours a night on average
- has started a VERY high pitched squeal
- loves to feed himself avocado, bananas, and fruit puffs
- goes CRAZY when his dad comes home from work
- has had visits from Grandma and Grandpa Bailey
- love to jump on Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Dave's trampoline
- gives big open mouth kisses and lots of hugs

Here is the monkey face
Jack was in search of the TV remotes in this picture. Such a boy . . .
Do you see the size of that tounge?! Ummm . . . yeah. Whatever.

Crawling up the stairs. With supervision, of course.

And, Jack is still crazy about his baths. Sometimes it is the best way to distract him!

Jack, I love you. Your smile makes me smile!

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2009

Today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I am missing this sweet boy today . . .

So, I will hold this other sweet boy twice as long. . .

Hugs and kisses, my little boys. Momma loves you.

Life Script

This weekend I had a really good conversation with my sister in law, Trisha. We were talking about how life just doesn't always go the way you plan it to go. She would know. Trisha has been dealing with an awful disease for many years that has stolen parts of her life away. Life has not gone the way she imagined.

This got me thinking about how we all seem to script out our life. Seeming to give ourselves too much power and much more credit that we deserve.

A week ago I sat a lunch with a friend and we joked about a project we completed as Seniors in high school. Our sociology teacher asked us to map out a timeline of our lives - including future family, career, education and travel. My mom found these posters at her house a few months ago and my friend and I laughed about all the expectations we had for ourselves at 17 years old.

As we giggled at our ideas to backpack through Europe after high school graduation and the many other career expectations we had for ourselves I felt a little melancholy as I reminisced about some other expectations I had for myself.

Nowhere on this poster was written that I would have a special needs child who would never leave the hospital. And would only stay with us for three months. Nowhere on that poster did I write about the eulogy I would give for him as I tried help others understand this experience. Nowhere on that poster was written about choosing a small white casket and patch of grass to bury him in. Or giving my child one last kiss. Nowhere on that poster was written about the stress, anxiety and heartache I would continue to feel even two years after. Nowhere on there was written how life would stop for me for days, weeks even months at a time while I grieve and mourn so many experiences I wanted to have with him and the emptiness without him.

I never wrote that into my life script.

Who would?

But, looking back - I do not regret the hopeful and innocent expectations I had as a Senior in high school - nor do I have disdain for the unexpected chapters in my life script. I wish I could change the ending of some chapters, however, I never wish they were not written. Some chapters in life change us. Hopefully for the better if we let them. We are shaped and molded into characters by a more supreme being who can really see our life script. We give ourselves too much credit thinking that we can become better without His intervention. Sometimes that intervention works well into our script and sometimes it throws a twist into the plot. The important thing is that we DO have control over how we respond and react to these twists and turns.

There have been chapters added to my life script that have been unexpected. There have also been chapters that have been far better than I ever could have written myself. Blessings I didn't even know existed. I have an eternal family and the comfort of that brings happiness even in the most difficult of chapters. I have a wonderful husband who loves me despite my inadequacies. Loving him is better than I ever could have imagined on my own.

I have come to understand that we have to accept what we cannot change and learn to look for the happiness in what we are blessed with. Despite the things I wish I could change - I am finding joy in the opportunity I had to know Gavin. I find joy in the presence of my sweet baby Jack and the time I have with him. I love his smile, laugh and intensity. I find joy in my husband who is a wonderful father and best friend.

I don't know anyone who has had their life go exactly as they imagined. But I am learning accept the things I cannot change and find joy in my own journey. I cherish my story.

A Bailey Family Weekend

This past weekend we met Jason's family at my parents' cabin for a quick weekend. We had a nice time together enjoying the wonderful Southern Utah weather. I always love getting to see my niece and nephews. They grow up so fast! It's also great to chat and get caught up on all the things that are going on in each others lives.

The Bailey kids and grandkids.The Bailey grandkids

On Saturday we attempted boating - but Jack is VERY irritable and teething lately, so Trish and I stayed behind with him and took him to the Parowan Fall Festival. These are the times I wish I lived in a small town.

How cute is this little train made of old water barrels hooked up to a four wheeler?! Jack grinned the whole ride and didn't make a sound. SO cute!

Jack Skellington

We are "Nightmare Before Christmas" fans, so when I saw these pajamas I HAD to get them. This is why we have children, right? To dress them in ridiculous outfits for our amusement, right?

( Look at that stink eye I am getting from Jack.)

Halloween, Christmas, Projects and Fun

This last weekend was SO great and relaxing! We spent time working on projects, decorating for Halloween and playing together as a family.

Jason finished working on our entertainment center for our living room. Jack liked to help his daddy.
(Just ignore the drool on my son's face . . . please)

Jack has a blast jumping in his Johnny Jump Up. This is the one my mom bought for me when I was a baby.

We also decorated for Halloween.



And, I worked on my Christmas stockings. Two down, two to go! The blue one is Jack's and the brown one is Jason's. I still have some finishing touches for them, but they are coming along better than I expected!

Introducing . . .

. . . Jack's first tooth!

I swear this kid has been teething since he was three months old. He has had that ridge on his gums in a few places for MONTHS. His first tooth officially appeared Saturday September 26, 2009. His Grandma and Grandpa Bailey were even here to witness it!

Now, if we can just get that next one to break through . . .

But now I am being greedy. :)

Making Baby Food

I am pretty much posting this for myself. As a reminder. That although the task of making your own baby food may seem daunting . . . it is so worth it.

A few weekends ago I told myself that soon Jack won't be eating baby food much longer and I had to GET WITH IT! I worry about his nutrition . . . like any mom. So, I went to the grocery store, bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables and spent Saturday night steaming, roasting, boiling, pureeing and freezing. It was a lot of work, but I am happy to know what Jack is eating - and to know where it came from!

I was surprised that this produce (above) actually made over 30 ice cube trays of food! It should last about four months for us! Hooray!

Healthy and cheap!