"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dear Gavin

Dear Gavin,

Today we are thinking of you. In fact, you are all I can think about. Your father and I spent the morning at the Temple. I love being there. I can feel the peace I need during these times of grief and loneliness. Then we went to lunch and talked about you and the memories we have of you. We laughed and cried. The day was beautiful and I know you and our Heavenly Father were mindful of us.

Today it has been two years since you returned to our Father in Heaven. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. My heart was full of grief, but also full of peace for you. I knew you would be returning to do the mission you were destined for - but my mother arms ached letting you go. I wanted to hold onto you forever. I would have if they would have let me.

I don't know if you can comprehend the anguish a mother feels as she wraps her lifeless baby boy in a hospital blanket, lays him in his bed and watches as he is rolled away. I remember praying that those talking care of your sweet body were kind to you. I know they were. We loved so many of the individuals who cared for you.

I do know that the feelings I had that night were unlike any I have ever had. The feelings of peace and calmness I felt during those last hours were something I had never felt before. It seemed as though there were hundreds of angels holding us up, comforting and supporting us as we walked with you to the end of your life here on Earth. I felt warm, calm and peaceful. I actually felt joy too. I was so grateful that I had been given three months with you - after all, the doctors said you should have never made it through the pregnancy. I knew your birth was a miracle, every day with you was a miracle and the way I felt around you was a miracle. And the night you left our arms for Heavenly Father's arms - I knew that was nothing short of a miracle. Miracles surrounded us that night. Things I will never forget.

Gavin, that night and all 93 nights leading up to that have changed my life. I feel more compassion, love, faith and hope than ever before. I hope you know that I love you. I support you in the endeavors you are faced with now. Please know that we are okay - we are sad and miss you, but we are okay. And, we are okay because we know we will see you again someday. And that day will be a miracle too.

Oh, how I love and miss you and love you my little bug.



T-Ray said...

I can barely write this from the tears that have built up. Thank you Lindsay for this post. It reminded me of those few miraculous months. I am truly honored to be Gavin's aunt. He has blessed my life in so many ways. Miss you Gav.

cassi said...

you are a wonderful mom!