You know those days? The days where you just feel . . . disappointment? Today has been one of those days for me. As I was running errands with Jack screaming in the back seat of the car at me to play the Wiggles, yet one more time, I was trying to pinpoint the exact cause of my frustration/disappointment. Was it this person or that person? Was it this situation or that one? Before I knew it I had come full circle and that big accusing finger was pointing right at me. Square in the face. I am disappointed in myself.
Please tell me I am not the only mom who finds herself thinking this.
I am a mother who has had and loved and lost a sweet son. I thought I had this "figured out." I thought I would have the love a patience of a saint because I knew how badly I wanted to have my children here. Yet, I find myself yelling at Jack as he dumped the contents of my diaper bag out of the cart and onto the floor of Target. Today I find myself begging for the time to pass so that nap time can come sooner. I find myself wanting to paddle his little bum because he spit chewed up corn dog and applesauce all over my shirt. And it wasn't even a pajama shirt - I actually got dressed today.
Jack is a typical boy. He has places he wants to go - people he wants to see. He wants it all on his terms and is a determined little guy. I become frustrated. Irritated. Disappointed in how I am feeling.
I know better than this. I know what truly matters to me as a mother and I find myself disappointed in the way I deal with things lately. I wish I could have more patience. I wish I would be less frustrated and irritated.
I wish that I could be the mom I dreamed myself to be. It's just hard on the days when you don't live up to your own expectations . . .