You know those days? The days where you just feel . . . disappointment? Today has been one of those days for me. As I was running errands with Jack screaming in the back seat of the car at me to play the Wiggles, yet one more time, I was trying to pinpoint the exact cause of my frustration/disappointment. Was it this person or that person? Was it this situation or that one? Before I knew it I had come full circle and that big accusing finger was pointing right at me. Square in the face. I am disappointed in myself.
Please tell me I am not the only mom who finds herself thinking this.
I am a mother who has had and loved and lost a sweet son. I thought I had this "figured out." I thought I would have the love a patience of a saint because I knew how badly I wanted to have my children here. Yet, I find myself yelling at Jack as he dumped the contents of my diaper bag out of the cart and onto the floor of Target. Today I find myself begging for the time to pass so that nap time can come sooner. I find myself wanting to paddle his little bum because he spit chewed up corn dog and applesauce all over my shirt. And it wasn't even a pajama shirt - I actually got dressed today.
Jack is a typical boy. He has places he wants to go - people he wants to see. He wants it all on his terms and is a determined little guy. I become frustrated. Irritated. Disappointed in how I am feeling.
I know better than this. I know what truly matters to me as a mother and I find myself disappointed in the way I deal with things lately. I wish I could have more patience. I wish I would be less frustrated and irritated.
I wish that I could be the mom I dreamed myself to be. It's just hard on the days when you don't live up to your own expectations . . .
6 comments:
I know what you mean. I had a day like that yesterday. I couldn't wait for 7:30 which is bedtime. I found myself in 'mommy timeout' about a dozen times. Today I did better...this is all part of being a mom, right?
I have days like that too. Justin has a book called "Mommy's Best Kisses". The last page says, "So tonight when you dream think of kisses times ten. And tomorrow we'll start all over again." I often get a little teary at that part. Sometimes it's because I don't want to do another hard day and sometimes it's because I feel lucky I have another day ahead of me. :) You're a great Mom. I think you do have it figured out.
We don't know each other, but I've read your blog for a while. My son is about a month younger than yours. I love reading because I love your attitude and I admire your strength with all you've been through. Your words have helped me many times. I too have those days. I am pregnant and also have a 4 year old daughter and I get upset at night sometimes because I don't feel like I'm doing enough, patient enough, or being the great mom they deserve. It's definitely a hard job and I find that when I am having the hardest days, if I break down and pray for help with all that I'm struggling with, patience, etc.- somehow my kids do something to make it all better. They start listening, give me a hug, and I have an overall good/calm feeling that helps so much. And I know that the prayer makes such a difference. I know you know about prayer helping, but I just thought you should know how I am inspired by you and what you say. Thank you!
Brynn
our children teach us patience, and every mom i konw goes through the same trials you are. even though it doesnt seem like it we all put on a different face around others, but behind closed doors we are all the same.
i have two boys 11 and soon to be 10 i get so frustrated i still cry at times cause i feel ive done all i can and i get taken for granted.
its part of motherhood. they werent kidding when they said this will be the hardest but most fulfilling job you ever have.
I don't know, I think when we've lost a baby and we KNOW what it's like not to have them with us, it's hard to let ourselves have the right to complain. But we're still human. We still have the same reactions and need the same outlets to remain sane. We're learning and evolving, but we need to allow ourselves to have imperfect moments. We will never be perfect in our own right in this life, and we have to forgive ourselves our imperfections and try harder.
I'm the same way. Sometimes my children drive me up the wall and at the height of it all I catch sight of Cora's picture and I feel like I've betrayed her by not being the perfect mother to her siblings.
But we can only do our best again tomorrow.
((hugs))
What an inspiration you are for so many. You know we texted a few times in July and I had no idea what an emotional month July must be for you. I haven't been "bloggin" in a long time so I had no idea. You are a trooper for all you emotional rollercoaster ride you have been on. You have every right for an impatient day (even if you feel like you don't) You are amazing and I love that I know you and I can consider you a friend.
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