A Grief Observed

How can I even explain how I understand this book by C.S. Lewis? My friend gave this to me after Gavin passed away and I am just now getting a chance to read it. I haven't finished the book yet, but I think I grasp the raw, uncontrolled emotions he speaks of concerning grief. Through his writings you can visualize the grief cycle and the different stages we feel after the loss of a loved one. The one thing I am truly beginning to understand it that grief does not make sense. Feelings do not always make sense, and pain does not always make sense. Doubts, fears and questions are always there in the back of your mind. There is one quote that really hit home to me concerning the grief of a mother here on earth: "If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild." During this part of his book, he is angry and doubting God and His works. I have to admit my own weakness and doubt I have felt over these past few months. There have been times that I have wondered how a kind, just, merciful God would take away my baby boy. I wondered where his mercy was for me. Even knowing that we are an eternal family does not always fill the empty ache I feel inside when I miss my sweet Gavin. Just like C.S. Lewis said, we may know that we can be together beyond this life, but it doesn't always comfort the mother who aches to hold her son now.

One night I was talking with my mom and dad asking them why God would take such a beautiful boy - the joy of my life - from me. My dad had a specific insight that I feel to be very true. He said that we willed Gavin to be here. From the beginning of the pregnancy, things were rocky. We fasted, prayed and asked the Lord to help me carry this baby. And He did. After Gavin was born and we found there were problems, we fasted, prayed and willed the Lord to keep Gavin here. And He did. Gavin had blessing after blessing given to him, and still the Lord's will had to be done, however; Heavenly Father let us figure out what needed to happen for Gavin so that we could give him back instead of Him taking Gavin back. He let us figure out Gavin's plan. That is a kind and merciful God. That is a God who helps soften the blows of reality; and that is a God who answers prayers. I cannot ever say that God has forsaken our family. He has given us the blessings of an eternal family; and even in our moments of despair - the knowledge of the gospel can bring light into our darkest nights.