"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Friday, March 20, 2009

On Days Like This . . .

I am grateful for my mother.(Me and my mom at the Ronald McDonald House the day after Gavin passed away)
Today as I watched my mother play with Jack I was overcome with emotion. It's hard to believe that over a year ago she was with me on the most difficult, yet joyous days of my life.
I think about her being in the delivery room when Gavin was born and then having her with us as we were told about Gavin's condition.
I think about her walking in to see Gavin in the NICU before I even had a chance to see him and then returning to tell me that he was the most beautiful baby.
I think about her meeting me at the hospital every day to be by my side while I was with my son.
I think about her being with me when the doctors told us that his life expectancy would be short.
I think about her holding Gavin for the first time and seeing the love radiate from her.
I think about her seeing me cry every single day as I grieved for the difficulties that awaited Gavin.
I think about her having hope and faith.
I think about her calling the insurance companies and fighting for them to transfer him to a more specialized facility.
I think about her packing her bags with summer clothes to go to UCLA.
I think about her unpacking those clothes after they changed their minds to accept him as a patient.
I think about her packing her bags again - this time for fall - to go to Primary Children Medical Center.
I think about her packing all of my stored breast milk in dry ice for the drive up to PCMC.
I think about her walking into the Ronald McDonald House with me in Salt Lake City completely overwhelmed by their kindness.
I think about her being by my side to hear all the good news . . . and all the bad.
I think about her rocking Gavin when I wasn't able to be there.
I think about her doing research on everything the doctors talked about.
I think about her sending an email everyday to our family and friends updating them on Gavin and his progress.
I think about her hugging me when I felt like Heavenly Father has abandoned me.
I think about her words of wisdom.
I think about how she must have felt when I finally said, "Maybe we aren't supposed to pray to have Gavin get better."
I think about her watching Gavin start to suffer.
I think about her watching Jason and I suffer.
I think about her watching the decisions we were faced with.
I think about her sitting in the hospice room with out families watching her daughter and son-in-law say goodbye to their son.
I think about her sitting in the waiting room for hours while Jason and I said our final goodbyes to Gavin.
I think about her driving us home without our son.
I think about her helping us find Gavin's resting place.
I think about her watching us grieve and miss him - so much. Even today.
I think about her grief.
I think of her anticipating Jack's arrival.
I think of the love and relief she had the first time she held Jack and heard him cry.
I think of how she felt on the day we brought Jack home.
I think of her loving both of my sweet boys.
I think of all of these things and I am grateful. I am grateful to have a mother who doesn't shy away when things are difficult - who has faith and hope - who accepts His will - who has kindness and direction - and who has an unconditional love for me and my family.
I love you momma. I have a wonderful example to follow. I wanna be just like you.

6 comments:

Malia said...

Beautiful...you, your mom, your words. Mothers are just incredible.

Jessica said...

Wow! Your mom sounds so wonderful. I think you are already doing a great job at following in her footsteps.

Sam and Lacey said...

It seems like your mom is so wonderful!!! Your little guy just keeps getting cuter and cuter. Not that he wasn't already dang cute. I don't know how he could get any cuter. Did I use the word cute enough? I am pretty dure you get the point. I am so glad to see youare doing so good. I love the peace and happiness Jack has brought to you. Such a huge miracle.

LuDLoW LiFe said...

I am bawling right now! Your mom is such a special person and WOW what an example. What would we do with out our moms!

The Strand Family said...

You have such a gift w/ words. I cry everytime I read your blog because the spirit shines through you and your family.

Linsey said...

I know about you and also about your story through my high school teacher Trish. You are inspiriational to me, and such a strong person! I love following your blog, and hearing your amazing experiences and stories. Both Gavin and Jack are beautiful baby boys. You are one blessed mommy, and they are 2 very blessed boys to have a mom that loves them as much as you do!! :) Thank you for sharing all of your stories and thoughts.