On Days Like This . . .

I am grateful for my mother.(Me and my mom at the Ronald McDonald House the day after Gavin passed away)

Today as I watched my mother play with Jack I was overcome with emotion. It's hard to believe that over a year ago she was with me on the most difficult, yet joyous days of my life.

I think about her being in the delivery room when Gavin was born and then having her with us as we were told about Gavin's condition.

I think about her walking in to see Gavin in the NICU before I even had a chance to see him and then returning to tell me that he was the most beautiful baby.

I think about her meeting me at the hospital every day to be by my side while I was with my son.

I think about her being with me when the doctors told us that his life expectancy would be short.

I think about her holding Gavin for the first time and seeing the love radiate from her.

I think about her seeing me cry every single day as I grieved for the difficulties that awaited Gavin.

I think about her having hope and faith.

I think about her calling the insurance companies and fighting for them to transfer him to a more specialized facility.

I think about her packing her bags with summer clothes to go to UCLA.

I think about her unpacking those clothes after they changed their minds to accept him as a patient.

I think about her packing her bags again - this time for fall - to go to Primary Children Medical Center.

I think about her packing all of my stored breast milk in dry ice for the drive up to PCMC.

I think about her walking into the Ronald McDonald House with me in Salt Lake City completely overwhelmed by their kindness.

I think about her being by my side to hear all the good news . . . and all the bad.

I think about her rocking Gavin when I wasn't able to be there.

I think about her doing research on everything the doctors talked about.

I think about her sending an email everyday to our family and friends updating them on Gavin and his progress.

I think about her hugging me when I felt like Heavenly Father has abandoned me.

I think about her words of wisdom.

I think about how she must have felt when I finally said, "Maybe we aren't supposed to pray to have Gavin get better."

I think about her watching Gavin start to suffer.

I think about her watching Jason and I suffer.

I think about her watching the decisions we were faced with.

I think about her sitting in the hospice room with out families watching her daughter and son-in-law say goodbye to their son.

I think about her sitting in the waiting room for hours while Jason and I said our final goodbyes to Gavin.

I think about her driving us home without our son.

I think about her helping us find Gavin's resting place.

I think about her watching us grieve and miss him - so much. Even today.

I think about her grief.

I think of her anticipating Jack's arrival.

I think of the love and relief she had the first time she held Jack and heard him cry.

I think of how she felt on the day we brought Jack home.

I think of her loving both of my sweet boys.

I think of all of these things and I am grateful. I am grateful to have a mother who doesn't shy away when things are difficult - who has faith and hope - who accepts His will - who has kindness and direction - and who has an unconditional love for me and my family.

I love you momma. I have a wonderful example to follow. I wanna be just like you.