"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My Rainbow Baby

This weekend I was reading another angel mommy's blog. She was talking about her "Rainbow Baby." I had never heard this term before - but I choked up as I read the definition of a Rainbow Baby.
It is referring to the baby that is born after the passing of a child.

Jack is our Rainbow Baby.

And I have so much gratitude and appreciation for him. When I found out I was pregnant with Jack, Jason and I had so many worries. Would he be healthy? Would we be able to love him like we love Gavin? Would he understand our broken hearts? Would he feel like a replacement? Would he have animosity towards Gavin? Would he be obedient and faithful so we could all be together again with Gavin? Would he be angry at the repercussions of a broken hearted mother and father? Would he ever understand how much a parent loves a child?

So many questions and such a long nine months until his arrival. We sat on pins and needles those nine months - never really enjoying any part - just counting the days until we could watch him breathe.
See him.
Hear him.

Do I regret that? Yes and no. I wish I could have enjoyed his pregnancy more, however, any mother who has been through the loss of a child knows the agony and anxiety that accompanies the pregnancy after that loss.

Then January 14, 2009 came. He arrived healthy, happy, loud and breathing. Everything we asked for. In the midst of our storm we were given a beautiful rainbow. And I know it is one of the greatest tender mercies of my life.

Even though we still grieve - and some days it still feels overwhelming - I have this beautiful, lively, happy boy to remind me that there is beauty in the storm. Without my rain - I may not have seen my rainbow.
I am grateful for my crazy Jack.
He is the rainbow in my storm.

Jack,

I love your laugh. I love your goofy four toothed grin. I love your energy and hyper-ness. I love how you exhaust me. I love how you crawl all over me. I love how you giggle when I put you in bed with your blanket. I love how you let me hold you before your afternoon nap. I love that you give me kisses. I love how you make me smile. I love how you help me find the beauty and joy in life.
I love you Jack Jack.

3 comments:

Malia said...

I was thinking about you yesterday, Lindsay. Thinking about how, in your new family pictures, you sparkle again. Your smile is real again. It's almost like I can see a visible weight lifted from you. Don't worry, I know it's still there and sometimes feels just as heavy as it did two years ago. I know you miss Gavin and a part of you will never be whole again. Reading this post, however, made me realize that it's truly incredible what a rainbow can do. I seriously might cry for the rest of the day. You are awesome...I can't wait to see you next week!

Brittanie said...

That brought me to tears, remembering when Erin was born. I was so terrified my whole pregnancy, and when I got to hold her in my arms, something magical happened. Babies bring happiness into a home, and it's such a balm on a broken heart.

My mother has a cross-stitched poem called "the tapestry of life" and it talks about weaving your tapestry of colors handed you by The Master. One part talks about wondering why you are given such dark colors, but then a strand of gold comes that sparkles against the darkness and lifts the whole area of the tapestry.

I know that I appreciate everything about my rainbow babies so much more than I would have had I not lost their sister.

I love pictures of you with Jack. Malia's right, you look so happy.

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

I too am thankful for the beautiful rainbow God sent our way after the storm. But like you said, without the storm we wouldn't appreciate the rainbow. Such a beautiful post