Happy Halloween

We dressed up Jack as a little devil for Halloween. I think he is starting to understand the whole "Trick or Treat" thing. And over the past few days he has sure learned how to appreciate "Nandy" or in other words "Candy."

Jack's First Disneyland Experience

We spent two days at Disneyland. I was somewhat apprehensive taking Jack to Disneyland for a few reasons. First of all, he hates his stroller. I can't get him to sit in it for more than five minutes. Second, he is in a tantrum phase right now. Everything is a battle. I was worried Disneyland may just be too much for him - but we decided to give it a try anyway.

I am so glad we did!

He loved it!

He wasn't scared on any ride (except for the Toy Story ride at California Adventure) and he made it through two days without naps or any significant tantrum.

Even Jason commented that this was such a fun trip - and he is not a Disneyland kind of guy.

For me, Disneyland is full of childhood memories. We went at least twice a year when I was young. I wanted Jack to have the same kind of experience. (You know how we do that to our kids? Force them to relive our childhood memories in the hope that they will feel the same?)

Anyway, I really was a great time and here are a few pictures in no particular order.

Jack and "pawhh" having a serious discussion about the fun time to be had at Disneyland

Jack seemed a bit nervous on the swinging Ferris wheel - but he was a tough guy and didn't cry!

Jack crashed every single night

James, Lauren, Grandma Cindy, Jason, Jack, Becca, Grandpa Dave and Me

Jack LOVES "Mouse" so we decided a shirt was in order

Jack and his Dad

Seriously, the trip was so much fun. I loved watching Jack see everything for the first time. Jason and I decided that season passes were in order next year. WOOHOO!

Favorite Things

These are some of Jack's favorite things: He worked so hard at lining them up on the stairs. Of course, his "bea" is a must have. That blanket is a necessity. Also, the "Ah-ah" (monkey) and the "OOOhhh" (elephant) have to be by his side when we rock him before bed. It's a funny thing since he is so insistent on having them piled on my lap, and then the first thing he does in his crib is throw them over the edge. The piggy bank is a fun toy that sings - and well, he thinks the noises the pig makes are hilarious.

Three Years Ago

Dear Gavin,

Three years ago today we did the hardest thing we have ever had to do. We laid by your side as you made your return to our Father in Heaven. I am sure there was great joy in your return to heaven - but we were left grief stricken and mourning your impending absence from our family. We knew we would miss you so much - but we also knew that we would see you again. We believe in eternal families. We know that you will be our son forever.

Today we spent the morning at the Temple and then we packed up to go to Disneyland with your brother Jack. We wish we were taking you along with us. But we will take you in our hearts.

Please know that we love you and we miss you. Please know that we are trying to stay strong so that we can all be together again. Days like today are difficult. It seems as though I relive and remember every moment. We are just so grateful for the knowledge we have and the love we share.

Love,
Momma

Missing Someone

My mother in law sent this quote to us:

Mother Teresa said,

"Missing someone gets easier every day, even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."

Although I never would have believed it could get easier during that first year after Gavin left us - I truly believe it now. It doesn't mean that the grief is gone or that he doesn't occupy my thoughts - it means that the thoughts I have are focused more on the positive and fun times we had rather than the pain of him not being here with us.

Today is a difficult day for us.

Tomorrow is even more difficult.

This day three years ago was when I realized that Gavin would be returning to heaven soon. That day feels like yesterday and also eternities ago.

I know I have said it before - but remembering that day brings back the heartache and the peace.

Through it all, I am grateful for my belief in a merciful God and the hope of joyous times to come.

Coke-Coke

Jack has an obsession with Coke-Coke (as he calls it). How can I blame him? I have an obsession with Diet Coke-Coke myself! Anything that isn't water, juice or milk is considered Coke-Coke to Jack.

So, last night Jason suggested we go to McDonald's get ice cream cones for family night. Jack thought this was a great idea and ran to get his shoes and wait by the garage door.

However, when we got to McDonald's this was the conversation that took place:

Me : Jack, do you want ice cream?

Jack: Ummmmm . . . no.

Me : You don't? What do you want?

Jack : Ummmmm . . . COKE-COKE!

So, Jack left McDonald's a happy boy with a Sprite in hand.

Pumpkin Patch

I have been telling Jack about the pumpkin patch for a few days now. We even watched "Charlie Brown's Great Pumpkin" a few nights ago. I really thought he would love this place when we went for playgroup today. He still must be a bit too young. I think he had a good time - but instead of sliding down the slide and jumping in the jump house - he wanted to wander around the perimeter fence.

Go figure!

We still have a bunch of tickets for the rides, so perhaps we will go back this weekend and try it again.He insisted I climb up the slide and slide down with him. So - I climbed up the slide, pregnant and with him on my hip. Call me crazy . . . cause it doesn't even look like he had fun! And this little ride scared him. They had to stop it so he could get off because he was crying so hard. Is it bad that I laughed the whole time? It was just one of those classic scenes . . .

He did love climbing over all the pumpkins.

Maybe next year will be more fun for him!

October

October is a rough month.

I kinda anticipate it always will be.

So much of my thinking turns to Gavin.

He really is almost all I think about during this time of year.

I miss him so much.

Sometimes I still can't believe we did that.

It almost feels dream-like.

And then I have a moment of clarity.

A flash back.

And it all comes racing back.

Every muscle in my body aches and my head spins.

Because it DID happen.

The trauma, the pain, the joy and the peace.

All of it existed at the same time.

The highest of highs and the lowest of lows - all in a matter of three months.

It's not something you forget.

Especially this month.

I am just a mom.

And maybe more than a little impatient at times.

But, I love my boys.

All four of them.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

They have all taught me so much about what is truly important in life.

Sundays With Jack

See this face?

Pretty dang cute, huh?

Let me explain something about Sundays in our house right now. . . They are miserable.

Don't let the smiles fool you.

I just feel like all we do all day is battle Jack. Church isn't until 1:00 and that may sound good, but it is smack-dab in the middle of Jack's nap time. He doesn't get a nap on Sundays and I know that is the reason he screams and wrestles us all through church. Both Jason and I spend a majority of Sacrament meeting walking the halls trying to coax Jack out of tantrums. We chase him up the aisles. And even try walks outside. Nothing seems to appease him during that hour.
However, they say the two hours he spends in nursery . . . he is an angel.
Go figure.
All I know is Jason and I count the hours until bedtime on Sundays.
Please tell me I am not alone on this one!

Night Night

Today I heard Jack saying "night night" as I walked down the hall.

This is where I found him.

I say wherever he is willing to lay down - let him be.