"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Thursday, February 7, 2008

. . . And He Did It Well

The other day I received an email from Jason. All it said was, "Did I do everything I could for Gavin?" I wanted to call him to tell him he was the best father imaginable for Gavin. I know Jason did eveything a father could do - but I also knew that I have told Jason that a million times. In a desperate attempt to find comforting words for him, I forwarded his email to my mother with the hope that she would give me some advice with her infinte wisdom. This is what she said:
"You tell him that he was the finest example of a father imaginable. He gave his son life -- he loved him and then he turned him over to the Lord. Jason was not selfish. He was willing to learn from the Lord and his son and honor Gavin's wishes and needs. He had to do the most difficult thing I can imagine a father ever having to do. And that is to do the Lord's will -- even when he knows it will break his wife's heart and his heart as well. Jason had to do things that honorable, experienced crusty men in their 90's have not had to do. And he did it well."

The sentence that caught my eye was the last line. "And he did it well." So many times we are given trials in our lives. For some it may be as obvious as the death of a loved one and for some their trial may not be visible to the world around them. We all have trials - we all have our own crosses to bear in life. We have been told to endure. Whether it is enduring the deepest grief or the simple challenges of everyday life we are told to not only endure, but to endure it well.

I cannot say I have dealt with this situation perfectly. I have had my fair share of self-pity and "poor me" moments (um . . . my last blog entry) but I am TRYING to do this well. I don't only want to endure this life . . . I want to live it. Someday when I meet up with my little Gavin again, I want him to know he has a happy mother and that he was the reason for so much of my joy.

Life has a way of giving us the impossible. It may not be now, but someday we will all have to do the impossible. None of us will escape this world without trials. Some may have already happened, some are in the future. We will all know what grief and fear feels like - and in the moments when we see the impossible infront of us, we can do what we never thought we could do. This isn't easy but I need to do this well.

PS - this was our version of feeding Gavin with his Gtube. The milk is in the syringe taped to Jason's chest and it dripped into Gavin's tummy. What a good daddy!


Devin, Morgan & Antigone said...

Sometimes I think you amaze me. I was just reading your last couple posts and just the amount of insight you have, and choose to remember, is proof of your unwavering faith, even though you may think it isn't so steadfast at times. By extension of being your hubby, this comment applies to Jason too. And I think you were right to say that in the end, all that will matter is if we did it well. It changes your focus when you think of life's challenges that way.

Tiffani said...

I think our moms are very alike. I could hear my mom saying the exact same thing while I read what your mom said. Even the "he did it well". Moms are so great. We are lucky to have a couple of the best!

bwb said...

I look at the both of you as two of the strongest, bravest, most loving parents I have ever met. Everytime I look at you Blog you only get stronger, braver and more loving. It isn't easy to admit it when it is your little brother, but I really look up to Jason so much. You both "did it well."

I love you guys.

T-Ray said...

I love you Jason. You and Lindsay are my heroes!

alli may said...

This is just such a hard journey, and I'm sorry that there is nothing we can do to make it fast foward or take it away. This grief has to be walked through, and I pray that you will feel loved while you are walking through it. Not being able to hold my babies is a pain I cannot imagine. What I can imagine is that it's simply horrifyingly lonely. I'm sorry.

alli may said...

p.s. I hope you both know that you did it all well. we love you no matter what your feeling or how your day is going.

Cindy said...

Yes, I agree..you both are amazing and handle your trial with such faith. You truely amaze me. I can not say if I would be able to as strong as the two of you. Sure you will have your down times...but you are only human. And I know that your little(he may not actually be so little anymore) Gavin is looking down on you and knows of your love for him. I guess the Lord needed him for His work in heaven...what a special spirit Gavin is!