The other day I received an email from Jason. All it said was, "Did I do everything I could for Gavin?" I wanted to call him to tell him he was the best father imaginable for Gavin. I know Jason did eveything a father could do - but I also knew that I have told Jason that a million times. In a desperate attempt to find comforting words for him, I forwarded his email to my mother with the hope that she would give me some advice with her infinte wisdom. This is what she said:
"You tell him that he was the finest example of a father imaginable. He gave his son life -- he loved him and then he turned him over to the Lord. Jason was not selfish. He was willing to learn from the Lord and his son and honor Gavin's wishes and needs. He had to do the most difficult thing I can imagine a father ever having to do. And that is to do the Lord's will -- even when he knows it will break his wife's heart and his heart as well. Jason had to do things that honorable, experienced crusty men in their 90's have not had to do. And he did it well."
The sentence that caught my eye was the last line. "And he did it well." So many times we are given trials in our lives. For some it may be as obvious as the death of a loved one and for some their trial may not be visible to the world around them. We all have trials - we all have our own crosses to bear in life. We have been told to endure. Whether it is enduring the deepest grief or the simple challenges of everyday life we are told to not only endure, but to endure it well.
I cannot say I have dealt with this situation perfectly. I have had my fair share of self-pity and "poor me" moments (um . . . my last blog entry) but I am TRYING to do this well. I don't only want to endure this life . . . I want to live it. Someday when I meet up with my little Gavin again, I want him to know he has a happy mother and that he was the reason for so much of my joy.
Life has a way of giving us the impossible. It may not be now, but someday we will all have to do the impossible. None of us will escape this world without trials. Some may have already happened, some are in the future. We will all know what grief and fear feels like - and in the moments when we see the impossible infront of us, we can do what we never thought we could do. This isn't easy but I need to do this well.
PS - this was our version of feeding Gavin with his Gtube. The milk is in the syringe taped to Jason's chest and it dripped into Gavin's tummy. What a good daddy!