This past week has been an emotionally difficult week for me. Jason and I seem to take turns with this whole grieving process. Sometimes I struggle and other times he is the one who struggles. A few weeks ago I was driving home from work and I thought I was doing pretty well - I felt more "okay" (and that's a relative term) than I had since Gavin passed away. I thought maybe, just maybe I was accepting what had happened. And then, out of nowhere the grief set in again. A few nights ago I was having a really difficult time understanding why God would do this to me. It just hurts so bad. I love Gavin more than I can explain - and if God loves me as much as I love Gavin . . . He would make it better. I would do ANYTHING so that Gavin wouldn't have to suffer - why is God letting me suffer so much? Why does He let me cry and ache and mourn when He could change it ALL? He could have healed Gavin while he was alive and now, He could raise my son from the dead - I have read about it in the scriptures and I know it can happen. And if He won't heal my son or raise my son from the dead - He could take away my pain. He could make it so it doesn't hurt so so much. I know this thinking pattern is not very reasonable but it was my attempt to understand. I found as I started thinking this way I became very angry with God. In this situation with Gavin there is no one to blame for his death - there is no one to hold accountable. He didn't die because of neglect or abuse or even an accident. So, logically (or illogically) this past week I have placed the blame on God because I KNOW He could have changed things from the beginning or He could take away my pain I feel now that Gavin is gone. I don't like being angry with God but, I also know this is a very human response to a situation that was SO out of my control. I decided that it's okay to be angry for a little bit, but it is how I deal with my anger that will make or break me. Will this break me? Will I just give up and be angry for years and years? Will I forsake everything I know and believe because I feel forsaken in these moments? Nope - not a chance. I can be angry and have all of these "human" responses and then I need to pick myself back up and move forward with faith and hope. Faith that my Savior understands and that God has a bigger purpose for my little family than what I can comprehend at this point in my life. I have to have hope that we will be happy again - that I will be a mom again and that I will be with my sweet baby boy again.Jason and I have searched out much information on coping and dealing with the death of a child, specifically an infant. I have found much comfort in a book titled "Joy Cometh in the Morning." Last night I came home from the gym and sat down to read. While I was at the gym I had contemplated my week and the anger and emptiness that I have felt in the thought that God was not comforting me or forgetting me. As I opened the book, the first paragraph I read spoke volumes to me. In this paragraph the author quotes a 1998 Ensign article called "Understanding Our True Identity" it says: "Sometimes the Savior calms the storms. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms you." I realized that I must have faith to accept what I cannot change and have hope that the Savior will calm me while my storm rages. While my winds and waves of sadness and anger blow I must stay "in the boat" with the Savior. I need to have hope that through this process I will become a better person - and more empathetic person who truly understands the meaning of service and compassion.
I have thought a lot about "but-if-not" faith discussed by Elder Dennis Simmons and the way we should approach our trials and storms. Here is my "but-if-not" faith scenario: "My God will give me a healthy baby boy, but if not . . . My God will make my son whole and heal him from his infirmities, but if not . . . He will help my son avoid death, but if not . . . He will take away my emptiness and pain, but if not . . . I will still trust in the Lord." I have faith and hope that one day I will not hurt this bad. I may always have a missing piece of my heart, but I know that through the faith and hope I put in the Savior I can have my burden lifted. Perhaps I will always feel intense pain when I think about the loss of my Gavin, but I know the Savior can calm me in my own storm.
6 comments:
I can't completely comprehend what you are feeling right now and to have to cope with it on a daily basis. I knew this guy growing up that was very handicap but was fortunate enough to receive his patriarchal blessing. In there it said something like, because of how valiant he was in the pre-existence, he was given this body so that Satan could have no hold over him in this earth. I know that doesn't relate completely but we just wont know until later why some things happen.
My mother once said to me years ago that she would rather have her child die before they turned 8 than to have them their whole lives and not qualify to return to the Celestial Kingdom with the family. At first I thought she was crazy when I first heard she would rather have one of us die at such a young age but now that I have thought about it I understand. If there is nothing else, you can joy in the fact that you will have him for eternity, even though it wont take away the pain.
I can not say that I know what you are going through because I have never lost a child and I don't want to come accross as if I know much...but I do think that the feeling of blame of asking the question "why" is only normal. We are still humans and have to deal with situations our own way. Someday when we are perfected we won't think the way we do now. But I do think it is part of the grieving process to have the doubts and questions that you do. Hevenly Father loves all of us more than we can comprehend. Jesus Christ gave his life so that we can return to Him one day. Can you imagine how God felt on the other side as this was happening to His son? You will be a mother and be able to have a son again. For some reason we are all given trials in our life whether it is to strenghthen us or someone else. Chad's sister, Krystal, has been a quadrapaelic (paralyzed from the neck down) since she was 4...she is 28 now. It is a trial each and every day for her and my in-laws. But they have touched so many lives. I know that He doesn't give us any trial that we can not handle. You must be a strong spirit! Love you Lindsay! Hang in there. I know it is easier said than done. But He does love you and I know Gavin sees you from time to time and feels of your love for him.
The night Anna was murdered my dad sat me down at the kitchen table and told me that I had two choice. The first choice, he said, was to let this experience ruin me. The second, he said, was to allow it to make me a better person. I know that my trial is small to your loss, but I do know that adversity CAN make you strong. It's the CAN part that is so hard. Don't be mad at yourself for hurting and feeling this way. It is human and it is ok. I love you and Jason and Gavin. You ARE a family and you will be FOREVER.
You amaze me. What a wonderful example of faith you have shown. Because of your faith, you are blessing the lives of others.
Spending so much time at Primary's, we saw a lot of heartache and it was interesting to see those of our faith and the peace that they had compared to those who don't believe in the afterlife and eternal life. There was no comparison. Know that you are a true example to me and I thank you for that!
Lindsay: If you are trying to find happiness and the goodness in your life (which it sounds like you are), the anger WILL fade. And there is nothing wrong with feeling anger or self pity. I agree with that lady's quote that every conversation will lead to the baby. It is so horrible that it is hard to forget about it and move on with your "normal" life. I think it is okay to pull back from friends for a little while and grieve on your own. Someday, you will be able to think about something else and laugh without feeling guilty, and then you will be more "pleasurable" to hang out with. Until then, it is okay to be sad and alone. (You always have your mom, right?)
It is wonderful that you and your husband talk about your feelings so honestly and openly. The doubt and guilt that you feel is the most horrible part of everything, and it is important to talk about it to someone who understands. Of course, everyone else won't understand why you would feel guilty or blame yourself when you had no control over the situation. But I understand and I feel for you.
Do you want to know something amazing? This last week would have been Evan's 5th birthday. And when I told my daughter that, she said, "We need to sing happy birthday to my brother in the sky!" I laughed and teared up a little, but for the first birthday I felt joy and gratitude and didn't feel as terrible as every other birthday. I hope you see some hope in that.
And that is great news from your geneticist! Also, a great book that I read was "Pregnancy after a Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy after a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death." I have a copy if you would like to borrow it.
i think it is good for you to just be in these moments without worrying about what you should feel, or how you should be. you are amazing and loved very much by so many people. this time will eventually pass, but for now, let it be what it is. i love you lots!
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