Happy 2nd Birthday Gavin

Dear Gavin,

Happy 2nd Birthday! What a special day to spend thinking about you! Last night we had a "Cars" birthday party for you. Your Aunt Becca and I spent a few hours on Saturday making your birthday cake and talking about how much we love you. Your birthday party was fun . . . but we wish you would have been there with us. We always used to joke how you would have to blow your birthday candles out through your trach. :) We would always say, "If we don't laugh about things like this, then we will cry." We try to choose to laugh, Gav. It's not always easy.

You were born at 10:01am on Friday July 27, 2007. I remember everything about that day. I remember how silent you were when you were born and how you just laid there on the table while they worked with you. I remember how you didn't respond to your APGAR test. I remember how it felt when a doctor came in to tell us that there was something wrong with you - a "syndrome"- and they couldn't tell what it was. I remember crying and praying. I remember that the first thought that came into my mind was how grateful I was for our eternal family and the knowledge that we would be together forever. No matter what happened here on earth.

Then, I remember going into the NICU to see you for the first time. You were so tiny. Only 5lbs. 6 oz. You laid so straight and made tiny little squeaks. The only sound you ever made. But Gavin, the thing I remember the very most was the way I felt when I was near you. You literally radiated peace. It was like we could communicate through our eyes. I knew you. And I knew that you knew me.

I am sure you knew your stay on earth wouldn't be long. But, we didn't. We fought hard and did everything a parent could do. Your father and I (and the rest of your family) made a real effort to be happy around you. I didn't want you to see my broken heart - I wanted you to remember your momma smiling and happy. You made me happy. I have so many beautiful and fun memories with you.

Your birthday this year is easier than last year. We were able to laugh more and celebrate you the way I wanted to. Time and love can help ease the pain of a broken heart, but nothing will ever fill the void a mother has in her heart for a child who is no longer here.

This morning I was reading from the Teachings of Joesph Smith. I read this quote, "Those who have died in Jesus Christ may expect to enter into all that fruition of joy when they come forth . . . Lay hold of these things and let not your knees or joints tremble, nor your hearts faint; and then what can earthquakes, wars and tornadoes do? nothing. All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful."

I will do the very best I can to be faithful so that we can all be together again. I love you Gavin. You changed my life forever and you have taught me more than I ever could have imagined. You are in my thoughts today and everyday.

Love,

Your Momma