I wish Jack could have Gavin's mom. I feel like I have been two totally different moms to my two boys. It drives me crazy. I wish I could be now what I was like with Gavin. I felt confident, strong and capable then. I felt like I had patience and love towards everyone. I did things no mother should have to do. Made decisions no mother should have to make. And yet, through it all, I felt like I was a good mother. I felt like I had all the time in the world for my sweet Gavin. My life stopped 100% and I spent every moment I had with him.
I swore that I would always remain that capable and loving mother.
I don't feel like that anymore.
I feel like life has somehow swept me away and I am struggling to tread water. Try to keep my head above the daily chores of laundry, dishes, bills and other motherly duties.
This has actually been a sore spot for me for a few months now. I wish that I could be the mother Jack deserves. I don't feel as confident as I did with Gavin. I worry about what foods Jack should eat and fret about how long he does or doesn't sleep. For heaven's sake! I used to feed Gavin through a port in his stomach and change a trach. I would resuscitate Gavin multiple times a day. I did all of this for three intense months and now I worry about Jack crying in public? I care what people say to me when he screams for 30 minutes on a plane ride?
Who have I become? I am starting to do all those things I swore I would never do again. Gavin helped me reinvent my life. Helped define me as a person and as a mother. Now, I find that I lose my patience on a daily basis even though I swore I would love and appreciate everything that came my way.
I am sure there were angels that carried me through our time with Gavin. I am sure they were there to give support, comfort and provide the assurance that I needed to have in myself. It just all feels different now. People talk about a "mantle" when someone is given a specific church calling or position. I felt like I had that with Gavin. I felt like I could do ANYTHING.
Now, I just feel like a normal girl raising a little boy. I never feel alone, but I do feel much more insecure and doubtful raising Jack. I wish that Jack could have known me when I was Gavin's mother. But, for now . . . I will do the very best I can. And through all my weaknesses and mistakes I will make sure that Jack knows he is loved insanely by his mother. I will do the very best I can to help him be who he needs to be. Because really, nothing else matters in life.