"Thank heaven there is tomorrow. Because there is tomorrow, all our yesterdays have meaning and all our dreams have hope."

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Precious Privilege

Happy Mother's Day to all of you women out there! Whether you have your own children or not, you are an influence to all those around you. I admire you and learn from you.
Motherhood . . . it is such a precious word to me. A word that implies a sacred obligation. I have been blessed in my life. I have been blessed with a multitude of mothers in my life and I have been blessed with two precious boys who call me mother.

At one time in my life, motherhood was not an idea I wished to consider. I thought I would be better fit pursuing my chosen career of choice. After all, that was how I was REALLY going to contribute to society. I thought there was no satisfaction in changing diapers, battling at meal times and sleepless nights. I maybe even thought that those who chose to stay home and be mothers were taking the easy road. A predictable road. A boring road.
Oh, how I was wrong!

Please don't judge me. I was only 19 when I married Jason. Not nearly mature enough to comprehend the privilege of motherhood.

Nearly three years into our marriage we decided we "should" have kids. I had no intentions of staying home with a child. But at least I had a desire to love someone other than myself. It was the beginning of a life long lesson.

I became pregnant after only one month of trying to conceive. I was happy. I was scared. I knew there was no going back. At a doctor's appointment when I was 11 weeks pregnant I heard words I will never forget.

"I am so sorry to tell you this. I can't seem to find a heartbeat. It looks like the baby stopped growing about three weeks ago."

I walked out of the doctor's office alone, scared, shocked and surprisingly heart broken. Absolutely devastated I called Jason and sobbed into the phone. Somehow, I had grown to love this baby without even realizing it. I was completely in love with this small child who was no longer going to be a part of my life.

It was there I learned one of my greatest lessons of motherhood. Love. Unconditional love. I wanted to feel that again.

Almost one year later after a battle with multiple attempts to have another child I discovered I was pregnant again. The baby was due around the same time of year as our first would have been due. My heart which ached so badly for a year was now beginning to feel joy again. This time when I saw the positive pregnancy test I knelt in prayer. I wanted Heavenly Father to know how grateful I was that I was allowed another chance. I prayed to keep the baby this time. I told Him that I would give up everything for this child and that I would teach it how to walk in truth and righteousness. I was beyond excited.

By our fifth year wedding anniversary, I thought life was pretty much perfect. We bought new home and were expecting this wonderful child. I knew I wanted to be a mother. I still had no idea how hard it would be.

Then it happened. My world was turned upside down with the birth of our sweet Gavin. I say upside down - but I do not mean it in a negative way. Gavin's birth and eventual death shook every bit of me. I loved this tiny, sick baby boy beyond description. I remember praying and asking for Heavenly Father to heal him, and then to just help him survive, and then finally for understanding and then to take him home. I felt - and still feel - that Heavenly Father required a lot of me as a mother. He gave me this sweet baby boy and then asked me to give him back. I knew that Gavin was a precious gift. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that he was going to change my life forever.

Now, how I would think that mothers were taking the easy way out is totally beyond me now. I mean, how could THAT be the easy road? And there are so many mothers who have been asked to go through similar trials. Not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

After Gavin's passing, I craved for a child. I wanted to hold, kiss, rock, nurture and love like I had once before. We were given that special blessing very shortly after Gavin left our arms. Jack entered our lives 18 months after Gavin did.

And I will say it once again . . . being a mother is NOT the easy road! I say that with all the love in the world. My crazy little Jack man keeps me on my toes. I have agonized through sleepless nights, raged in the battle that is called meal-time and changed a million diapers. And while it is exhausting and sometimes even frustrating - I am over joyed that I have him in my life. I have more patience than I ever have before. I have more gratitude than I ever have before.

It is not easy being a mother. And there are times I feel like I could break for one reason or another. Sometimes it is over being purely exhausted. Sometimes it is over the grief I still feel. Sometimes it is over guilt - wishing I could do some things over again and wanting to do it better. However, I know that at this moment I am doing the very best I can. And even if I am not out in the world working and contributing to society in that manner - I am creating a home and raising a son who I hope will be wonderful, honest, faithful and a loving man. There is not a more wonderful "contribution" to society than I can give than children who will make this world a better place.

That is why I consider being a mother a precious privilege and a sacred obligation.
I mean, what is not to adore about these two precious faces?


Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

Happy Mother's Day. I watch from the sidelines and I'm amazed at the mother you are for your boys. Your strength is amazing, your faith inspiring, and your love is selfless. Thanks you for your example

Malia said...

Happy Mother's Day, Linds. You're absolutely the best. Sending love and hugs...

Heather and Billy said...

Lindsay- You have a gift with words. Really. You're not just contributing by being a mother, but also by sharing your experience at it with the world. I mean it with all my heart. Love you.

Brittanie said...

I'm only getting to this now, but it was so good to read. It's interesting how the Lord shapes us to be the person He wants us to be. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes we don't WANT the lesson, but when I look back on my pregnancy with Cora and her death, I can say it only made me a better person, and I do not know how I could have become who I am becoming any other way.


I actually told someone that last line once. "You can go out into the world and do what ever you're going to do, but if I raise a few children to be good people, I have made the world a better place in a very real way."

The Strand Family said...

I just love reading your blog. You really should publish your blog. You are an outstanding mother!