Torn-In-Half's Question

Q: I don't mean to sound insensitive, but since Gavin had so many disabilities, do you think it was best for him, (and you), that he is not suffering in this life anymore? My daughter was born with bleeding on her brain, and died two weeks later. I ofter wonder if I would have wanted her to live with severe disabilities, or if I should be glad she passed on. Should I stop feeling sorry for myself and count my blessing that I don't have to raise a child with severe disabilities? Should I feel guilty for thinking that way?

Dear Torn-In-Half,
I have gone through these same thoughts so many times. There is such a range in the spectrum of disabilities. There are some disabilities that are mild and some that are life threatening. I wished and hoped that Gavin's disabilities would have been something we could handle and deal with. Unfortunately, his disabilities threatened his life. We now know that had Gavin lived, he would have been in a vegetative state and unable to do anything for himself. We know that he would have been in so much pain and discomfort as well.

Because of the severity of his problems, we truly feel like death was the best thing for him. We often comment that we are happy for him but sad for us. We believe that the existence after this life can be a peaceful and relaxing experience. Because of that belief, I have tried to set aside my own desire to have him here and accept that this was a better option for him.

Don't feel guilty for asking those questions. Only you know what kind of problems you would have been facing with your daughter. I also believe that we are given trials that we can handle. Some are given the trials of living with disabilities. Others are given the trials of grief and death. They are both difficult in their own way. I have come to learn that we have to make the best of our situation - not second guess our decisions and be the best person we can be with the information we have. Don't beat yourself up!