Grandma Cindy's October 28, 2008 Email

I thought it would be appropriate to post Grandma Cindy's email from yesterday since I have been sharing so many of them from last year. This is the email she sent out yesterday. I know Gavin's Grandma Bailey wrote a letter to Gavin also and I will try to get a copy of that as well.

October 28, 2008

Dear Gavin,

It's so hard to believe it has been a full year since you went to Heaven. Sometimes when I look at your pictures it seems as if you are still here with us. And other times it seems as if it was all just a dream. Your time here was so short. But certainly packed with all kinds of adventures and events. There was nothing routine or dull about the 94 days you spent on earth with us. We talk about you being such a good boy - other than the fact that you would forget to breathe or swallow or a host of other physical things you just couldn't do very well. But when we talk about you we smile and have fun memories. Gavin I miss you. At church or at the store I watch other little children and it makes my heart ache. And then I look at their parents or family and wonder if they have any idea how lucky they are to have a child with a body that could sustain life. I think our whole family now has a much much greater appreciation of the miracle of life and the perfection that is there in such little tiny bodies.

Your mom and dad miss you so much. I know I don't need to tell you that. I watch your dad's jaw clench and unclench sometimes and wonder what he's thinking. He doesn't laugh as easily now. But it's joyful to watch when he does. He works so hard at work and at school. He'll graduate this December with his MBA!! He really hung in there even when things were so tough with you. And your mom's brown eyes don't dance as much as they did when she was a little girl. She does still talk as much. But her questions are different now. And I don't always have an answer for her. She's studied a lot and has learned so much. She's not letting any of her experiences with you go to waste. She has been able to befriend and help other moms who have had similar experiences.

Since you left us we have watched the newspaper closely and paid a lot more attention to when other children pass away. We often comment that in our narrow "pre-Gavin" frame of reference babies don't die. But we now know that they do. And our hearts are always saddened to hear of another's loss. We feel it keenly.

Grandpa Dave misses you a ton! He loves to go to the cemetery and just sit. Sometimes he'll throw a ball against your headstone. At first I wondered if that was appropriate to do. And then I realized that you would want him to be relaxed and fun. We all love the way we feel when we go to see you. And we go often. We'll be in the middle of something and he'll say, "I miss Gav - let's go see him." And we do.

And I know that Uncle Matthew misses you too. He has the biggest picture on his wall of you holding that yellow and blue rattle and your eyes are wide open and VERY crossed. He loves it. We can see how very blue your eyes are. And we've gotten used to how crossed they are. He goes with Grandpa and I to the cemetery most of the time. This past summer we went on a Pioneer Trek. Each pioneer family had a baby doll they were to take care of during the Trek. Matthew took good care of "Alice Elizabeth". And then she passed away and his family was asked to bury her. This was very hard for him to do, but he did it. His Ma and Pa were Monte and Annette Brown who lost their son 9 years ago this November. They all deeply felt the loss of the baby. At the Fast and Testimony meeting following the Trek, Matthew was one of the first to bear his testimony and he spoke of eternal families. I had the thought hit me, "He gets it." And I know he "gets it" in part because of you. Thank you for helping him to understand the importance of eternal families.

And Rebecca is still in Utah. That surprised all of us. But not nearly as much as the job she has now. She works with handicapped people in their homes and in group homes. She loves helping them and they love her. She works far too many hours and both Grandpa and I are concerned. But we understand how difficult it is for her to quit working and helping someone. She has wonderfully funny stories to tell us about her experiences with her "handi's". She takes them to fly kites, shop at Desert Industries, dance recitals and just recently to a Special Needs Mutual program. She told me they have such a great spirit. They do. And I think she recognizes that great spirit from the time she spent by your side. It wasn't much time, but it was enough to let her know how it felt to be next to such a special boy. She has really really missed you. And it's been very hard on her, especially where she is so far away from the family. Keep on eye on her okay.

We had a great day on Saturday, October 18th. Uncle James and Aunt Lauren were sealed in the Las Vegas Temple. We now have a much greater appreciation of eternal families and were so happy they started out their family unit in the temple. James is such a tender heart. I still remember the pain in his eyes as he and Uncle Matthew arrived at the hospital shortly after you were given a name and blessing. We didn't dare wait for him and Matthew to get to Salt Lake City from Las Vegas because you had started to have so many breathing episodes. But James is strong in the gospel and he knows and understands. We were happy to have a spiritual and happy day in the temple with James and Lauren and so many family members. In fact, James, Lauren, Grandpa David, your mom, dad and I are going to the temple this evening. It will be good for Lauren to go back so soon after receiving her endowments. And we all want to go where we can feel just a little closer to you.

We are so excited for your brother to come join us here on earth. It's been a very tense and exhausting pregnancy as we are no longer naive and we realize how many things can go wrong. It's been a little hard to believe that things can and will work out and be okay. But they will. I think, if she could, your mom would make the doctors sign in blood when they tell her things look good with this little guy. And when one of the doctors asked if he could do anything else your dad invited him to move in with them until your brother is born. They need a lot of reassuring. We joke that you are having to apologize to your brother for making your mom and dad so uptight and nervous about everything. Hopefully your brother can help them calm down some, relax and believe. Maybe you could send a kiss along with your brother.....

Gavin there are so many people who have been good and kind to your parents and to us. I will always be grateful for all the goodness in the world. I want to be able to help others around me when they are having a hard time. I want to be a better person and be better to those around me. Thank you for helping me see that others might need my help. Grandpa and I were talking on Sunday about how we have realized that there are so many things that just don't matter. I guess we've been able to better focus on what is truly important. You taught us that. There's not a day that has gone by that I've not thought about you. Your picture is on my fridge - your dad is holding you. And there's a picture of you by my phone. There's a lot that I realize I don't understand or know. But there's a lot that I know and understand better now because of you. I know you fulfilled your purpose here on earth. I know that you are busy. I know that the Lord is mindful of us and of our pains. And I know that we don't have to suffer alone. He will help us. And I know that we can all be together again. It is up to each of us and how we choose to live our lives now. Gavin I hope and I think that we are all a little better and more in tune with the Spirit since you joined our family. I love you.

Love,
Grandma Cindy