Dear Bug

My Little Bug,

Today you are eleven months old. I can't believe how old you are getting. Almost a year old! It's almost time for a birthday party! What kind of party would you like this year? Your Daddy and I are brainstorming fun ideas for your first birthday. How about a Bug party?

For the past eleven months you have been the center of our life. Even without you here, it seems life keeps moving on, but we are still stuck in the chaos and beauty of last year. I find moments where I crave to be in the spiraling chaos again just so I can hold you. We did have fun times together, didn't we, Bug?!

There are so many things I want to tell you, Gav. Mostly, I want to tell you how happy I am that you are our son. The day you were born our hearts were so torn. We were so happy to have you here with us, but your medical problems concerned us. We were worried about your quality of life and we were consumed by the things you would and wouldn't do. A few days after the initial shock wore off, I realized that I was the happiest momma in the world because I felt the most amazing amount of love for you. You stole my heart right away, Bug. I began to understand God's plan for our family. I knew that if your little body had to come to this earth with all the the challenges you had, I was glad that I was chosen to be your momma. I knew I could take care of you and I knew I would love you no matter what. I felt like we were the lucky ones to have you.

I am so proud of you, Gav. You are a strong, patient, brave and beautiful boy. Your spirit always radiated peace and comfort to us. Your presence was powerful your absence leaves a void that will never be filled the same way. I am a proud momma. I have you for a son - the greatest joy in my life. Keep working hard Gavin. We will see you again.

Love,
Your Momma