I have always been able to negotiate and finagle my way into and out of things. It's probably one of the earliest traits I picked up on as a young child. My parents always tell the story of them bribing me to STOP talking with Slurpees. If I was quiet for five minutes, my dad would buy me a Slurpee. I wanted to know what size and flavor. I wanted to know if I was quiet for just three minutes, could I get a small one and if I was quiet for five minutes, could I get a bigger one? I had so many questions for such a simple request. Unfortunately, I never could keep my end of the bargain. I would break the silence before the minutes were up by asking more questions about the potential Slurpee.
I remember laying in the hospital bed the night after Gavin was born praying and pleading, "Please, just make him better. I will do anything I need to do as a mother, just please let me keep him." No matter how much pleading and bargaining I did, I couldn't change the fact that I had a sick baby. I used to think if I would have gotten pregnant just one day earlier or later, Gavin would not have had these issues. I know it's illogical, but in the moments of grief, you forfeit the luxury of being logical.
So, now, I sit here and wonder, really is what I am doing now all that different? I realize that I cannot bargain or negotiate with God. No matter how many times I ask for Gavin back, I cannot change the situation. I know if I am patient and do what I am asked, I will have my reward. The problem is, I want to bargain and negotiate my way through this part of it - because this is the part that hurts. I need to learn to accept and trust better. I'm working on it. The frustrating thing is that I will have a run of good and positive days and then I just break. It hits out of nowhere and the pain is almost unbearable if I let myself dwell. (Which I would like to say I don't dwell, but, well, that wouldn't be honest. I have my moments when I dwell.) I have noticed the pain comes less often but the intensity hasn't changed. After my last attempt at negotiating with God last night, I have made a resolution to give that up. Instead of asking for him back, I will ask for peace and understanding. Instead of asking for time to rewind so we can have those three months again, I will ask for help accepting this part of our plan. I will pray for trust and peace. After all, isn't what this is all about?
But I mean, really? Who wouldn't ask for a cute bug like this back?
5 comments:
He is just so adorable and incredibly precious. We love you guys. You are in our prayers.
We all bargain Linz. As human beings we have the tendency to look for ways out of rough situations. You are right in saying that you will have your reward. I bet is so hard knowing you will have to wait to hold him in your arms, but when you do, it will all be worth it. I love you guys.
Be gentle with yourself. Bargaining is part of the journey towards that trust and peace, I think. The Lord will show you that, though you're not going to get what you want NOW, He can and will give you what you need. I think He is much more pleased with the fact that you're turning TO Him, and not AWAY from Him like so many do during trials. Keep turning to Him, even if it IS to bargain. He understands everything you're feeling and I know that peace and trust will come...just don't give up. Love you.
He IS such a cute little boy! I think your new approach is the right way to approach it. In RS yesterday our lesson was on Elder Bednar's most recent conference talk on prayer, and a sister made the comment that we have been told that, "when we have trials we should not pray that they be taken away, but to pray for strength and to learn what HF wants us to learn from these trials that her gives us." It is hard to have that frame of mind, especially with something so hard, but we have to try, otherwise we spend our whole life bargening. And lets be honest, HF doesn't bargin much, and we wouldn't either if we could see the whole forest and not just our tree. But as a side note - I do try to bargin as well, sometimes it is so hard not to. :) Love you guys!
I can not imagine what you went through with Gavin and obviously the pain that you are still dealing with, but I want you to know that it will get better. It is obvious that this has brought you close to the Lord and he loves you so much. Look to the future of your life with a great husband and with healthy children that the Lord is going to give you. And look forward to holding your cute bug again, because that will happen too. To everything there is a season and a purpose under heaven. Hang in there. We love you.
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