A Little Q & A

Ever since Gavin was born we have been asked so many questions. At the beginning the questions concerned Gavin's health and well being. After he passed away the questions became more focused on us and "how we were doing" . . . but as time has gone on we have noticed that there are so many questions that we are asking ourselves. I was reading a collaborative blog for mothers who have lost babies and one entry posed the questions below for all mothers who have lost babies. As I read through them I started thinking about my responses to them. Perhaps others will be interested in my responses - maybe they have wanted to ask the same thing, but have hesitated thinking we were too fragile to question. Or, perhaps people are tired of hearing about our grief. Whatever the case is, I felt answering these questions would be somewhat therapeutic for me. I know there are many other parents out there who have lost children as well, and if you are up to it, I encourage you to think about these questions as well. Perhaps it will bring perspective.





How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
Fear. It's something I have always struggled with. I was the little six year old girl who would sneak into my parents' bedroom in the middle of the night to make sure they were still breathing. I was terrified they wouldn't wake up and I would left to take care of my three younger siblings alone. After Gavin was born, my mom and I were talking and she asked, "What are you afraid of? What is the worst thing that can become of Gavin?" I, of course, like any other desperate mother said, "I'm terrified he is going to leave me." I was so scared of death - of Gavin's death. I am not scared of death anymore. One of the greatest lessons I have learned through this experience is that we are not to fear too much. Heavenly Father's will has, and will always be done. If He is in control, what do we have to fear? I would like to say I am not the scaredy cat I used to be, but I still worry and fear about many things. There are some things I have learned to let go and relax, but now there are other things I still fear and worry over. I will probably be the most paranoid mother ever, but I have learned to not fear His will.


Is your lost baby present in your life? In what way?
I feel Gavin has remained very present in our life. One of the strongest effects was how he has changed our determination to live worthy to be an eternal family and return to our Savior. Gavin's pictures are up in our home and his cute face is the screen saver on our computer. Looking at his pictures bring me peace . . . and at times when I can his presence I find peace there as well.

Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
I know I have mentioned this before, but we love when people remember Gavin. We love to know that there are others who visit him, read about him, ask about him and think of him. Whenever someone mentions his name, I feel like I could burst with happiness. So many people are scared to talk about him, but the moments where people say his name and talk to us about him help us feel nurtured and supported.

Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
The worst thing to say . . . "Sometimes babies just die. It just happens." Well, you never expect YOUR baby to be the one who dies. Let's face it. Babies aren't supposed to die. We don't think about babies dying. So, when it happens to you - it isn't something that "just happens."

What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
I actually saturated myself with everything to do with Gavin after he passed away. However, the one thing that took us months to do was pack up his nursery. We just kept the door closed for months. Boxing up the unused clothes and toys, bottles and bibs, blankets and bedding was excruciating. However, the worst part was the little suitcase sitting in the middle of his floor that contained all of his belonging from PCMC. I think his suitcase sat on his floor until February. It was too hard to unpack the few outfits he did wear, the toys he did play with and the medical equipment we had grown so accustom to. I still cry when I see the trach supplies, suction catheters and g-tube guide book book in his box. I really would have done anything for him.

How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
I wish I could say that I feel like I am 100% better as a wife to Jason. There are aspects I think I have improved on in our relationship, but I also know Jason now has somewhat of a broken wife. We often talk about our loss of innocence and our newly found altered reality. We no longer feel that life can be "just how we planned." I think I used to be so much more carefree and adventurous. Now, I am more reserved and a little bit more quiet. Things trigger memories and I tend to be much more emotional than I ever was before. I hope with time I can be a better wife and mother. We still are healing and I know this takes awhile. The good thing is that Jason and I both allow each other to have our "break down" moments and we don't judge each other for the number of times we cry. We sit with the other during the difficult moments, but we are also beginning to feel a little more happiness and joy that we didn't particularly anticipate we could feel ever again.

Ok, so there it is. A few answers to a few questions.