Escape : The Carolyn Jessop Story

Another book club pick has fascinated me this month! The laundry remains unfolded. The dishes in the sink. The house a disaster. All because of this book . . .

So fascinating. So messed up. So unbelievable. And so liberating. I loved this book about Carolyn's escape from the FLDS organization in Colorado City. I am truly inspired by women who have this kind of courage. Read it. I dare you. Bet you won't be able to put it down!

THAT Question

It's that dreaded question. The one that the moms and dads in this "club" hate. It comes in many forms and versions. But it boils down to . . . How many children do you have? or Is this your first? Even two and a half years after Gavin's passing and a year after Jack's birth, this question still makes my heart sink to my gut and my eyes water. It's a physical blow. Painful. Real. And all too often.

What do I say to these well meaning strangers? They aren't aware of the sucker-punch that has just been delivered to my heart. If I tell them the truth I create an awkward situation for all parties involved in this encounter. If I tell them that Jack is my first I feel as though I have betrayed Gavin.

Of course, I desperately want others to know about Gavin and his beautiful life, but all too often talking about him makes others uncomfortable. And what stranger, who in passing is making small talk, wants to hear my heartache?

Do I lie?

Sometimes.

Do I tell the truth?

Sometimes.

I guess it all depends on my mood and the person involved.

Does that make me a bad mom?

I don't know.

Reading Is Serious Business

Today Jack saw me reading my book and decided he wanted to read too. He got a very serious face and opened his animal book. Apparently animals are very serious business.

I just hope he continues to love books.

Rain, Rain and More Rain

We have been getting a LOT of rain this week and we love it! Tonight Jack heard the rain falling and kept going to the front door to see where all the noise was coming from. I opened the door and he crawled right out into our courtyard to play in the rain.
Funny kid! We then took him inside and warmed him up!

Jack's First Fort

Today I found Jack and his dad building a fort.

You know how boys looove forts!

This is Jack's first fort!

A Grandma's View

This is an email from my mom regarding Jack's birth. It was very heart warming to hear what she had to say about the day Jack was born.

You all know how I feel about my mother.

I love her so much.

The day Jack was born was such a stressful and exhausting day. And I wasn't even the one giving birth! The struggles and the anxiety of the previous few years had taken a toll on all of us. And even if we were not in the trenches, we were on the sideline watching you and Jason struggling through some of life's most difficult challenges. When dad and I heard Jack's cries through the delivery room door we both burst into sobs - a nurse came out and asked if everything was okay. We were both too choked up to say anything but we nodded our heads "yes". We were so relieved and so happy that the little guy was finally here with us. Yes, it was a great day. And we are so excited to think about all the good and great days ahead of all of us.

Love,

Mom

Let The Wild Rumpus Begin!

Today Jack has his first birthday party. It was so fun to have Grandma and Grandpa Bailey, Trish, Becca, Matt and Great Grandma and Grandpa Bridges here in town the celebrate with us.

We did a "Where the Wild Things Are" themed party since we consider Jack a crazy wild thing.

The cake

Becca and Jack aka King of the Wild Things

Opening gifts

Then we let Jack go WILD with his piece of cake. He ate the whole things without blinking and made a ginormous mess before we knew it!

And of course, we went to visit Gavin.

Jack took him a party favor.

Planning Jack's birthday party was so fun for me. I love throwing birthday parties for my boys! Jack loved all of the attention and had a great time tearing the wrapping paper and playing in his cake. I am so grateful for the blessing he is in my life. Pure joy.

Jack Is One Year Old!

My little Jack Jack isn't so little anymore! This morning I woke up before he did and thought all about the day he was born - the love I felt and the tender mercy he is in my life. Then I heard him rolling around and causing a ruckus in his crib. This is how I found him this morning . . . playing peek-a-boo! What a funny kid! We have hit so many milestones this year. And I am grateful for each and every one of them. I love everything about being a mother. Yes, I am grateful for the difficult days too, I am just glad to have them with Jack.

This month Jack:

- weighs 19 lbs. 6 oz.

- grew two more teeth - his top "fangs" as we like to call them. The first one came in on 12/22/09 and the second on 1/11/10.
- took seven steps on 1/12/10
- eats everything that he can feed himself - but NOTHING we feed him on a spoon
- points at objects with his index and middle fingers crossed
- slept through every night this month (except the nights we were in SLC for Christmas)!
- loves to cuddle and rock before his naps
- still is taking two naps a day (YESSS!)

- waves bye-bye
- is now drinking whole milk
- still doesn't hold his own bottle
- is sitting in a front facing car seat
- got his first case of the croup
- actually made it through all of church without too much of a fuss
- loves to read books WITH me (i.e. he reads his owns while I read aloud from another)
- is lovable and joyful and energetic
- like to climb to the top of his slide and watch the Wiggles from there

Happy First Birthday Jack

My Sweet Jack,

Happy First Birthday! Can you believe a year has already gone by? What a sweet day this is. I have so much gratitude for you. This year has been full of so much happiness and joy. You have brightened the atmosphere in our home and lifted our heavy hearts. You have brought an energy to our family that is simply delightful.

Of course, like most moms, I can remember every detail of the day you were born. We were at the hospital at 4am and at 12:08pm you entered this world. I remember hearing your loud cry, your clear lungs and saw you squirm all over. I knew that our prayers concerning a healthy body for you were answered. The delivery room was filled with so much love the day you were born. I was exhausted and tired - but the minute I held you I knew I wanted to stay awake forever just to examine your little body and watch all the funny faces you made for us. That was such a big deal for us.

I remember the few nights we stayed in the hospital with you while I recovered and you were observed, were difficult. I had NO IDEA what to do with a crying baby. And boy, did you CRY! We had so many wonderful visitors who loved you. And many visitors who knew your brother as well and could understand what a miracle you are in our lives.

My little Jack-Attack. You delight me. You exhaust me. You make me smile and laugh. I wish I could explain to you the love I have for you - but that is something you will understand better when you hold your own child for the first time. There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you.

I hope you have a wonderful first birthday.
I feel so much joy today.
I love you.

Love,
Momma

My First "OH CRAP, I LOST MY CHILD!" Moment

Yesterday I had that panic. You know, the heart in your stomach "I CAN'T FIND MY CHILD" kind of panic. No, we weren't out in public. We were just at home. Jack was supposed to be playing in the loft while I was getting ready. I hadn't heard anything from him for awhile, so I went to find him and see what mischief he had gotten into. Silence is never good that way . . .

I searched the playroom. Nothing. I searched his room. Nothing. I searched the computer room. Nothing. (Meanwhile my heart is starting to race.) I look in my room, my bathroom, his bathroom and again in the loft. Now I am in a full blown panic. I start yelling his name. Then I hear a little shuffle coming from beneath his slide. Hmmmm . . .

This is what I find. He thinks it is funny. I am nearly in tears.

How will I ever take him in public?!

Good grief, son. Your momma is already crazy! Don't make it worse!

Negotiation? Or Laziness?

Here is the story:

Jack wants the ball, but instead of crawling around the truck to get it, he reaches OVER the truck for the ball and can't reach it . . . . . . so he cries . . .
. . . and looks at me with pleading eyes, practically begging me to get it for him . . .

. . . and when I don't, he finally gets the genius idea to crawl AROUND the truck.

Whew! That was a rough one!

Christmas Clearance

So, against my husband's will, I purchased around 200 Christmas bulbs from Target's Christmas clearance section. I bought a bunch of different sizes and only spent around $30. And since I bought them . . . I had to do something with them, right?

A friend of mine had a picture of one of these wreaths on her blog. I decided I should try a few. The two at the top are made with bigger bulbs and the two on the bottom are made with the really tiny ones. I plan on taking one of the small ones over to Gavin next Christmas and keeping the others ones to hang on our bedroom doors.

To make these, you just hot glue the silver top onto the bulb so it won't come apart and then thread the bulbs onto a wire hanger shaped into a circle.

To finish (and this is the part I haven't done yet) you can tie a big ribbon at the top to hang the wreath from.

Super cute, super easy and super cheap!

No Longer A Rear Window View

Jack has hit a new milestone! This weekend we put him in his front facing car seat! The poor kid was sooo ready. And from these pictures - he sure looks happy about his new view.

These Is My Words

Our book club's first pick of the year was "These Is My Words" by Nancy Turner. Once I picked up this book I could not set it down! I spent was too many late nights reading, dreaming of Captain Jack Elliott and realizing just how much I love my husband and little boys. And how much I love being a mother.

If you are looking for a good love story and a temporary addiction, I would suggest this book!

Maniac Jack

Here is Jack - my little maniac! This is how he dances to the Wiggles. Eventually he spins so much his pants come right off!

While You Were Away

Dear Husband,

While you were here . . .

. . . at the Rose Bowl having fun . . .

I was with this little boy . . .

. . . who, at a restaurant, pointed to a bearded man and said, "Jesus!"

Come home soon! We need you to set the record straight.

Love you,

Lindsay

2009 Wrapped Up

So long! Farewell 2009!

This year brought happiness, anxiety, exhaustion, laughter, peace, hope and love.

I am grateful for all our experiences.

2009 it's been a one-of-a-kind year.

Let's try to make 2010 a little bit easier, huh?

Look Ma! No Hands!

This morning I heard a bunch of yelling coming from Jack's playroom. I ran to see what all the commotion was about and this is what I find . . .

Jack had climbed up his new Christmas slide and was yelling for me to come get him.

He refuses to slide down the slide - but apparently loves the climbing wall on the other side.

He was stuck at the top.

The Inner Struggle Of The Name Game

It was clear that my last entry caused some emotional turbulence. A comment was left concerning our lack of including Gavin on our Christmas card. Yes, this was a conscious decision Jason and I made this year after much discussion and many tears. However, if you look closely you will see that we added a discrete "g" in the bottom left hand corner of the card. We did not forget him.

As a mother who has a child "here" and a child "there" I have this inner struggle whether or not to include Gavin's name on things such as Christmas cards, thank you notes, birthday cards, etc. It is something I think about every time I write our names on anything. Think about how many times you sign your family's name. EVERY TIME I do that I am in conflict whether or not to sign Gavin's name. I debate: If I sign his name, is that odd? unhealthy? morbid? If I don't sign his name, will people think I have forgotten him? will people still remember he is part of our family? will Gavin think he isn't an important part of our family? And each time I think about it, I am reminded of the loss and grief we still feel. It is not something I take lightly - it is pure heartache anyway you look at it.


It is painful, to say the least, to not write all of my childrens' names on our Christmas card. However, this Christmas card was a representation of 2009 for our family. And wish all I may that it could be different, Gavin was not physically present in our lives in 2009. That being said, Gavin is very much a part of our everyday life. We speak of him every day and there has yet to be a day where I haven't thought of him. His picture is up in our home, his stocking is still hanging above our fireplace and we visit him often at the cemetery.


Our decision to not list Gavin on our Christmas card was not out of neglect nor are we "over" the loss of Gavin in our lives. It was a decision made in reflection of the year 2009 for our family. And for many personal reasons - this was our decision for this year.

The Original 2009 Christmas Card

We had a Christmas card fiasco this year.

This was the original one, but it didn't make it out - a traditional Costco one did. :)