As Jason and I have gone through the experience of having and losing Gavin we have come to understand that there are so many parents who have experienced these same trials and emotions. More than I EVER imagined. I have been emailing a bereavement counselor/therapist from PCMC and she has been sending me some information on grieving and loss. As I was reading this information last night I thought it may be helpful for parents who have lost a child or who are grieving for the child they anticipated. We feel so fortunate to have been surrounded by supportive friends and family. I wish I could list the number of times we have felt the love and prayers from the kind people who have supported us and Gavin. I am so appreciative for all of the kindness we receive and I am worried at times I may come across as cranky or irritable. I am sorry if I have ever interacted with you this way. I acknowledge how much support we have received and we truly appreciate it. So . . . for any parent/grandparent/friend/brother/sister who has lost a little one . . . I hope this helps you the way it helped us. Maybe we aren't as crazy as we think we are. :)
A Bereaved Parent's Wish List
1. I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. I wish you wouldn’t “kill” me again by removing her pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things.
8. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will live with the death of my child until the day I die.
9. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead.
10. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or to “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.
11. I don’t want to have a “pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be patient with me.
13. When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.
14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
15. Your advice to “take one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time.
16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
18. I wish very much that you could understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray that you will never understand.
Compiled by Diane Collins, The Compassionate Friends, Bay Area
3 comments:
I'm glad you posted this. What a great list.
Sometimes it's hard to know what to say to someone who is going through something I haven't experienced myself. This list is very helpful!
the kids have decided to watch the Gavin Movie everyday now for the last couple of weeks. it's been fun to be reminded of how he looked and made us feel when we were near him. it's a time that won't be forgotten! love you, miss gav!
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