Dear Gavin

My Gavin James,

I have been thinking about you all day today. I just felt like I needed to send you another letter. This morning when I drove by to see you I felt like we had a little conversation. Just the two of us. Maybe others will think I am crazy, but I am pretty sure you told me to have a good day. I told you I love you.

It's been windy outside lately Gav . . . and that's hard for me. I know that your spirit is in a safe place but I dream about your little (almost) thirteen pound body being outside. I know you are safe but a momma loves the body of her baby whether his spirit is there or not. Maybe that's hard to understand Gav, but I loved every moment I was able to touch you. I want you to know there was NEVER a time where we didn't want to hold you. I know you spent so much of your life in the crib. That is not what I wanted for my son. You were so fragile at times and we couldn't disturb you. But we always connected Gav. I remember watching your breath numbers on the ventilator increase when your dad I and would talk to you. They say you couldn't hear - that your ears never formed right inside and that you didn't have the cranial nerves to send the messages to your brain - but we connected anyway. Didn't we? It felt good when the three of us could be together. Like life was complete and simple - even in the midst of the chaos of the NICU.

I have to tell you about an experience I had on Sunday. I was in the primary room and I was holding a little boy that was born a few weeks after you. I had him on my lap and he was looking at me and laughing. And for a brief moment Gav, I felt the most intense joy. Like Heavenly Father was telling me I would have this experience with you. For that moment I felt like the heavy weight of grief was lifted from my shoulders. I just have to remember that this life is a brief moment sandwiched between two eternities. We will have our time together Gavin. It will be the three of us again - just like it was at the beginning.

Keep working hard Gavin. I know you must have much to do. Please know that your mommy and daddy love you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us. I will write again soon.

Love,

Your Momma