Dear Gavin

My Sweet Baby Gavin,

I found these pictures of you tonight. You were spending some quality time with your Grandpa Bailey and I remember watching him look at you. He loves you so much - we all do.

I wonder what was going through your mind when these pictures were taken. Did you know? You always look so wise - you must have known. You must have known your time with us was limited because your presence has left such an impression on our lives. You worked miracles in your three months with us. You continue to teach me every day.

I am always in awe that I was chosen to be your mother.

I love you Buggy.
Love,
Momma

Dear Me,

I saw this idea on another blog a few weeks ago and I thought it was pretty insightful. I started wondering what I would have said to myself at 14 years old - knowing what I know now. Worth a try, I guess.

Dear 14 Year Old Me,

Life is good and it's all worth it - I promise.

You may think that you know everything and that mom and dad are dummies stuck in the "old days" but they know so much more than you think. Mom is going to be your best friend - just watch and see. Let them talk to you and listen to them. Appreciate all they do for you. It is always in your best interest. In the future you will crave their love, support and advice.

Don't be mad at mom when you wake up the first day of summer break after your sophomore year of high school and she greets you with an airline ticket to spend the summer in Utah. It's the best things they can do for you at that time. The boy is not worth it. The situation is nothing but trouble. I promise. That summer will be one of the most memorable summers of your life. Tennis, grandpa's buttermilk pancakes, grandma's cute jokes, late nights, laughing and cousins - you will remember that summer forever and so will they.

Don't make so many dumb choices in high school. You will know what I am talking about when you get there. There is a lot more to life than what you can see right now. Be nice to people and include everyone. There are people who need friends and I know you can be a good friend to them.

High school is important, but not that important. When you leave for college try to not be so homesick for the high school days. You will have a lot more fun if you try to move on and decide who YOU are and who you want to be. Make that decision early. You will need a strong testimony in your beliefs because it won't be that long before you meet the guy of your dreams.

And when you meet the guy of your dreams . . . don't say no when he asks you out on the first date! I know you may think that you night class of Personality Theories of Psychology is so important - but it won't hurt to miss one class. You never miss class - it's okay to bail out on Jung's personality theory lecture for this guy. You won't remember the lecture anyway. But after that - make sure you go to every class. You are going to LOVE the university experience. You will learn a lot more than what you read in text books. These are experiences that will stay with you forever.

And now back to this dream guy. Your intuition is right. He is the perfect fit for you. Go ahead and take the leap of marriage even though you are 19 and still have two more years of undergraduate schooling left. I know it goes against everything you have preached (getting married young) - but marriage at 19 is good for you with this guy. Somehow it all works out.

Don't let anyone tell you that your husband's schooling is more important than yours. You can both go to school and make ends meet at home. And one other thing on the schooling subject . . . go with your gut and get a degree in psychology. It is going to help you more than you know.

Enjoy the time you have with your husband. You will cherish the years you have together before children come. Those years will be simple and sweet times for you to remember when life gets difficult.

And when the children start - well, I am not going to give anything away on that topic. It's not going to be easy. You will grow more than you ever have before. But I will tell you that your first child is a little boy who will change your life forever. Nothing will ever be the same after his arrival - but it really will be for the better. I promise. Cherish every single moment you have with this little guy and remember to absorb all the peace and comfort you feel when you are around him. That feeling can never be duplicated. Love him. Tell him about his daddy. Hold him as much as you can and know that difficult times can often be happy times too.

When difficult times come stay close to your husband and the knowledge you have of the gospel. Sometimes hope will be what gets you through a day. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. It is an individual process. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Life is good. You are tough and motivated. Stick to your gut and always follow the spirit. Life has ups and downs - but there is reason to be happy.

Love,

26 Year Old Me

A Gentle Reminder

Grief never seems to let you forget. Not that I would ever WANT to forget, but the pain of absence is brutal and exhausting. Overall, the waves of grief seem to be getting better for us. Fall is especially hard this year as it is a symbol of change for our family. Over the past week we have had gentle reminders of our sweet baby Gavin and the peace he has left in our lives.

Last night Jason and I were out (he asked me out on a date - romantic, I know!) when we saw a little boy in a stroller . . . with a trach and oxygen. Jason and I were glued to him as we stood in line behind his parents (who I am sure were uncomfortable with the strangers that were staring at their baby). It was such a tender mercy when the little boy grinned at us and started waving. I smiled back and I watched as the reminder settled onto Jason - I could read the lines on his face. The trach, the monitor, the oxygen tubing and tank, the suction catheter, the sounds of breaths taken through an artificial airway - it was a reminder of the way things were. It was a reminder of the unexpected truth that was to be our lives - that we had finally accepted - and now, the newly accepted life we have without Gavin here.

However, as we watched this little guy grin and wave at us we were also filled with happiness. This little boy was happy and while I am sure that "this" was not what these parents expected for their son - I could tell he was well taken of and loved. His smile and wave made my night.

Bye Bye Primary

In my previous post I talked about how I now teach the 12 and 13 year old girls at church on Sunday. I am very excited for this new responsibility and opportunity - however, it means I will no longer be in the Primary with all of the sweet kids.

Here are some of the reasons I will miss Primary (in no particular order):

1. the funny things the kids say (most of which gives away family secrets)

2. the totally random comments that have nothing to do with our sharing time discussion

3. the re-telling of bible stories according to the imagination of five and six year old kids

4. the chaos of the Sunbeams (the 3 and 4 year old class)

5. the other leaders I was able to work with

6. the hugs from the children (two weeks ago a cute six year old girl came up and hugged me and kissed my belly and said, "you are having a baby!")

These are just a few of the things I am going to miss.

Youth Conference

I haven't had a chance (or the brainpower) to post about Youth Conference, so I am a little late on this one. Youth Conference is a weekend where the 14-18 year old youth in our church get together for a weekend of what hopefully will be uplifting fun and spiritual learning. It was two weekends ago and after lots of planning and preparation - I think I can say it went well. I don't know exactly why Jason and I were asked to help plan Youth Conference since neither of us have had that much experience with things like this - but I am glad we were asked. I was pretty overwhelmed and anxious when they asked us (with another couple) to be in charge of the Friday night kick off. I won't bore everyone with the details, but I am happy we did it and happy it is over now! I think we all know how that goes . . .

And on a side note - the Sunday after Youth Conference I was asked to teach the 12-13 year old girls in our ward every Sunday. Hmmmm . . . they say we are prepared for all things. Should have seen that one coming!

Duck, Duck, Goose!

I was tagged by my awesome sister in law Trish. So, here it goes . . .

I am: a woman, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother.

I think: about all the things I SHOULD be doing.
I know: much less than what I thought I knew when I was 16.
I want: to have a healthy and happy baby boy that comes home with us.
I have: three boys - Jason, Gavin and this new little monkey.
I dislike: when people try to control me, dig their way into personal topics and are ignorant.
I miss: Gavin - like CRAZY.

I fear: ummm . . . just about everything right now. Yeah, I know, I really need to work on that.
I hear: my IPod selection of 80's music! Heh heh heh.
I smell: my vanilla lip gloss.
I crave: a Diet Coke - I'm trying to limit my consumption to three a week.
I search: for answers. I want any indication that this new little boy does NOT have what Gavin had.
I wonder: if Gavin and his new baby brother having a fun time together.
I regret: ever leaving Gavin's bedside for a single minute.
I wish: I could have a family picture with all of my children.
I love: my family.
I care: less about things that are petty and stupid than I used to.
I always: feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have Jason for a husband.

I worry: about everything. You name it, I can worry about it.
I am not: as patient as I should be.

I remember: every day I spent with Gavin. I can read about a day and remember the exact feelings I had during those moments. It's kinda overwhelming.

I believe: that we all consume ourselves with irrelevant and trivial matters when there is so much more we should be concentrating on.
I sing: in the car. ALWAYS. Poor Jason. Poor Jason's ears.
I don't always: let things roll off my back. It's awful, I have to learn to let things go.
I argue: with myself. I'm my own worst enemy.
I write: on my blog. It's therapeutic for me. Plus, it makes a great journal at the end of the year.
I win: at Mario Cart - don't let Jason tell you otherwise.
I lose: at Guitar Hero. Don't ask.

I listen: to my mom and dad. They are always full of great insight.
I don't understand: why I was so lucky to get to be Gavin's mother.
I can usually be found: at work, home, or my parents house.
I need: um, is it okay to say Valium? Don't worry . . . I'm not taking any. :)
I forget: A LOT! Isn't that normal when you are pregnant? Isn't it called pregnancy brian?
I am happy: most of the time now. Last year I thought I couldn't ever be happy again, but time has worked miracles.

(duck . . duck . . . duck . . . goose- I tag ANYONE who wants to play too!)

Go Buckeyes!

Every member of the Mortensen family is an Ohio State football fan - and we have converted Jason to the truth now too. We love to go back to OSU, watch a football game and visit with Grandma, but we haven't been able to travel back to Ohio for a few years now. Oh well, we will try again next year!

Things we care about on any given football season Saturday . . .

1) Ohio State wins

and

2) Michigan loses.

'Nuff said.

All We Need Is Love

I know I have often expressed the worry I have about how much pain Gavin felt. As a mother, I would have taken every ounce of pain he felt onto myself so that he wouldn't have to endure such a physical trial. Today as I was looking at some of Gavin's pictures, I came across this picture of Jason holding Gavin while Grandpa Dave (my dad) rested his hand on Gavin's head. I had the overwhelming feeling that Gavin felt love - and lots of it. I am not naive to the fact that many children in this world are abused, ignored and neglected. I also realize that there may be the possibility that Gavin felt more love in his earthly three months than many children feel in a lifetime - and I am grateful the knowledge that even with the physical trials Gavin endured, he knew he was and continues to be loved by so many people.

A Check Up On Our Little Monkey

This morning we had an appointment with our perinatologist (who I LOVE) and the cardiologist for a check up. We started with an ultrasound to measure his growth. He now weighs one pound and is measuring right on track. The doctor looked for a cleft palate (because of Gavin's small mouth deformity) and they didn't see any problems there. YAY! We also were able to watch him rapidly open and close his mouth . . . which is a HUGE deal to us since Gavin never moved his face. I wanted to burst into tears as I watched this little guy tumble and kick all over the place. He was so active and responsive! The cardiologist came in and checked his heart and everything seems to be perfect from what he can see. There was one small part of the heart that the cardiologist was unable to see because of the baby's position. He doesn't assume there is anything wrong, but he wants to make sure he gets a good look at it, so we are scheduled for a four week follow up with him.

We are so excited that he is checking out so well so far. I couldn't believe how much he was moving! He was like a little monkey climbing all over the place! HA!

Even with all the good news we receive it is still hard to picture myself as a "normal" mom and I most certainly can't imagine having a baby to bring home. I was a NICU mom. I did the best mothering I could from the sidelines, and it is hard to imagine being a normal mother. We still worry and pray that this little guy will be healthy and happy. I still worry about all of the unknowns that we had with Gavin - but the one thing I do know it that I love this little monkey. I love him just as much as I love my sweet Gavin. I mean, how could you not love this little face? . . . or this little hand? . . .

And on a funny note . . . this is what Jason asked the ultrasound tech yesterday when we were measuring the baby, "Now, he is supposed to look like a human baby now, right?" Apparently he was having a difficult time seeing what we were talking about on the ultrasound. HEH HEH HEH My funny hubby.

Believing

My mom always knows when I need to hear something . . . here is what she sent me last night. I thought it was "post worthy." Thanks Momma!

"The Lord has promised us that as we 'search diligently, pray always, and be believing, . . . all things [will] work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24). That doesn't mean that everything will be perfect or that we will not have any trials, but it does mean that everything will be okay if we just 'hang in there.' Ours is the opportunity to 'be . . . an example of the believers' (1 Tim. 4:12), and the Savior has promised that 'all things are possible to him that believeth' (Mark 9:23). So believe in yourselves. Believe that you are never alone. Believe that you will always be guided."
Elaine S Dalton,

"Believe!" Ensign, May 2004, 110

A Mother is a Mother

Recently I saw this picture . . .

And read this article . . .

http://article.wn.com/view/2008/08/19/A_mothers_grief_Heartbroken_gorilla_cradles_her_dead_baby/

"Holding the lifeless body of her dead child like a rag doll, this female gorilla stares at the corpse in shock and bewilderment, unable to accept that her baby is dead. It is a picture of pure grief. Inconsolable, hers is the raw pain of any mother who has lost a child. While nature may indeed be red in tooth and claw, this moving image of Gana and her dead son Claudio seems to show that members of the animal kingdom can feel the pain of loss just as deeply as we humans. "

. . . and I realize that a mother is a mother. This gorilla mother is shown in this picture cradling her three month old son who had passed away from a suspected heart defect. The article reports that the mother carried her deceased child with her for weeks until she finally laid it down in an apparent acceptance of death. So, I ask this question . . . how different are we as mothers who grieve?

No, I am not going to go into an dissertation about the theory of evolution - or how closely related "they" say we are to monkeys. However, I don't think we are all that different . . . on a motherly level.

Gavin's heaven day is rapidly approaching and I find myself full of anticipation and trepidation. His passing was peaceful. It was beautiful. He was taken from our arms to the loving arms of our Savior. In the angst of my darkest day I felt the love and peace of the Spirit. The staff at PCMC were so kind to us and let us have as much time with Gavin as we needed after his sweet spirit left his body. Jason and I had precious time with him. Time that is sacred to us.

The memory is bittersweet. I wish desperately to hold him again - and I understand why it took this gorilla mother so long to finally accept her son's death. It's been nearly a year since Gavin's passing and I still can't seem to accept it on a regular basis. I still occasionally think," Why me? Why Jason? Why him?" Then I am reminded of the sweet promises we have and the knowledge that we will be a family forever. I feel gratitude for a son who is so obedient and faithful.

The Bambino is On the Move!

Sunday evening I was laying on the couch when I felt the baby moving quite a bit. Jason sat down by me and put his hand on my tummy . . . and he felt the baby kick for the first time. Perhaps this may seem like a small thing to many, but this is such a milestone for us. The best part about it was what Jason said after the kick - "Wow! I love feeling him kick just as much as I loved feeling Gavin kick!" I can already see the love Jason has for this new baby. We are so excited for every milestone we hit with this little guy. Next Tuesday we go in for another appointment with our perinatologist - who will also have a pediatric cardiologist with him to check out the baby's heart. These next few appointments are big ones - I will keep posting about the progress!

A Year Ago on September 5th

On September 5th, 2007 Grandma Cindy wrote:

Gavin had his PDA heart surgery this morning. It was a huge PDA according to the cardiologist and required the largest clip to close it. It is a permanent titanium clip that will stay with him but not cause "beeping" at the airport. He did well during the surgery without any brady cardia. As of this afternoon he was given a blood transfusion as his numbers were getting low. The doctors has cautioned us that the next 2 to 3 days could be challenging for Gavin as his body recovers from the surgery . . .
. . . We feel that Gavin has a great purpose here. His short life has greatly affected many people. We are so grateful for all that we have learned and are continuing to learn from him and because of him. Our hope and prayers are that he is comfortable and free of pain and that he always knows that he is surrounded by people who love him. Thank you for all your support, prayers and love. Please continue to pray for this little family.
Love, Grandma Cindy

I can't believe it has been a year since Gavin's heart surgery - and surprisingly it was the easiest of all the surgeries Gavin endured! Life has changed so much in the matter of 13 months. However, the last paragraph of Grandma Cindy's email could be repeated time and time again. I still pray for Gavin - that he is happy, free of pain and knows how much he is loved.

Birthday Wishes

Isn't the tradition of birthday wishes interesting? I mean, who thought up this idea anyway? Tuesday night I blew out birthday candles for the 26th time in my life. As I made my wish, a million thoughts ran through my already muddled mind. How I wanted to wish for the things I used to wish for. The simple things in life. Until I was about ten years old, I wished to be a princess every single time I wished on my birthday candles. No lie. Castles, crowns, jewelry, dresses . . . I wanted the whole deal. I thought that would be the icing on the cake (no pun intended).

Life has changed my wishes. I couldn't help but reflect on the wish I made last year as my sweet Gavin was in the NICU. I remember wishing that we would get a miracle and that Gavin would be healthy enough to have a long and productive life. I wished that his heart surgery would go well. I wished that he would know how much I love him. I wished that he would feel no pain.

This year my wish went something like this . . . I wish that one day I would be able to have all three of my boys together. I wish that this new baby boy will be healthy and happy. I wish that I could see Gavin one more time.

Labor Day Weekend, High School Reunion, and Pop Tops

Oh, how I love three day weekends! However, it never feels like enough time away from responsibility.

Friday afternoon we drove to Salt Lake City to spend the long weekend with Jason's family. We had lots of fun and spent time visiting with family members - I even got to see my sister Becca who is going to school in Provo. YAY! When we asked our cute two-year-old nephew what we should name the baby, he thought for a minute and then said, "PONGE BOB!" . . . otherwise known as SPONGE BOB for the rest of us. Jason and I had a good laugh about that and we called the baby Sponge Bob for the weekend. It was good to see everyone and spend a little time relaxing. I'm so glad Jason has a fun family to be around!

Saturday afternoon we went to Jason's high school reunion and had a fun time seeing friends. The reunion committee organized a pop top drive for the Ronald McDonald House and we filled a huge storage container with all the pop top donations. We just wanted to say thank you and let everyone know how much we appreciate all they have done to help this organization. Keep the pop tops coming . . . we will get them to the Ronald McDonald house for you.

Happy 26th Lindsay!

Today Lindsay turns 26 years old so I thought I’d write a “Happy Birthday” post. I can never make fun of her age because I am older, but I want her to know that she is now closer to 30 than 20. Ouch!
Lindsay, I just want to wish you a wonderful birthday and tell you that I love you. You're the best. Hope your day is special. See you at lunch.

Jason

Yup . . . The Pregnant Girl Is Blogging About Food

A friend of mine made carmel corn for an early birthday present. That's a turkey pan full of it! I am one lucky girl! Hmmmm . . . how will I explain the excessive weight gain to my OB?

Lance Armstrong? Is That You?

Jason finally got a chance to ride his new bike this last weekend. It was a birthday present (from February) but it has taken us awhile to get all the "gear" for him to ride safely. That's my only stipulation to the biking hobby - it has to be done safely. :) I know, I know . . . I worry too much.

Saturday morning he went out for a little over an hour and when he came home the first thing he said was, "This freaking hurts my butt!" HA!

Graduation Bound

Today Jason begins his last semester of graduate school. December graduation here we come! I think he felt like this day would never come . . . but three and a half years have passed us by. There has been nothing easy about Jason going to work full time and attending classes at night mixed in with church responsibilities, a critically ill child and a wife to keep happy. I am amazed at how he was able to keep it together and maintain a great sense of humor about it all. When we first thought of graduate school for Jason, we figured the time would pass whether he was in school or not - so he might as well go. I have watched him work so hard, have great experiences and accomplish so many goals. I am proud of you, Jason. You are an amazing husband, father and best friend.

Life is good.

I'm crazy about you.

And here is a picture . . . cause I can't resist posting a picture of Gavin with his daddy.

Have you ever seen a daddy with so much love in his eyes?

Breaking Dawn

"Breaking Dawn" by Stephanie Meyer has been my escape for the past few weeks. This was the book club pick for this month and we all really liked it. In fact, book club lasted for three hours Thursday night! Since everyone knew they would be reading it anyway, we decided it was the best choice this go around. It's sweet. It's simple. It's an escape from the real world. I have read some online reviews about the book not being "real" enough. Critics say it's "too make-believe." Um, hello? It's about vampires! What is remotely real about that to begin with? It is fiction - young adult fiction at that. And one more thing . . . is it really so bad to read something that isn't "real?" Don't we all get enough real life to want an escape to a simple romance and dream about being married to a vampire?

I Miss You

I Have a Plan

Yes, I have plan and I am so excited about it. Come the end of January . . . I am hiding. No obligations, no responsibility, no errands, no "have-to's." I plan on sitting in my pajamas and rocking my baby all day. I'm hiding for two months.

That is my plan.

A Year Ago Today

After Gavin was born, my mom (Gavin's Grandma Cindy) would send out nightly emails updating family and friends of Gavin's day. She never missed a day emailing those who cared so much about him and it is because of her that we have a journal of all the events surrounding Gavin and his three months with us. I never had the time or ability to write much during his time with us - I wanted to be with him every moment I could. I don't know if Grandma Cindy can even comprehend how grateful we are to her. She kept a record of Gavin's life, the lessons we have learned and the acceptance that finally developed to accept the Lord's will for Gavin.

In the morning before work, Jason and I read our scriptures and during this time of reflection we often read what happened on this day in 2007 with our precious Gavin. I almost crave to feel it all again. The good, the bad, the difficult days and the joyful days. It has been such a gift to have this book of emails that some of my sweet cousins put together for us. Many mornings we read and reminisce about our time with Gavin. It is sacred time for us - time that has been preserved because of others service to our family.

Here is what Grandma Cindy wrote last year on this day. I have in bold the parts I found of importance to me today.

August 21, 2007
This morning Lindsay met with the surgeon who will be performing the G-tube and tummy wrap on Gavin next week. He was able to answer many of her questions. There was a three month old baby in the hospital having his G-tube removed (apparently he outgrew his feeding disorder) and Lindsay was able to see what the appliance looks like. She said that Gavin was active and moving around some today. He did have another throwing up episode. This has Lindsay anxious for the tummy wrap to be done soon. As she and Jason were by his side tonight he had both eyes open. Is is a holding pattern as we wait for the Wednesday morning trach surgery. We are each being tested as to our "patience endurance" - it is excruciatingly painful for Jason and Lindsay. This would be an impossible situation without the comfort that comes from knowing that our Lord is mindful of us and most importantly Gavin and his parents. We know that there are many prayers being offered on his behalf and are so grateful for the knowledge that our Lord hears our prayers. We have seen miracles in this little boy's life and continue to ask for blessings and miracles to be poured out upon him and his parents. I keep going back to the Bible Dictionary on prayer and I reread this part often. "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Prayer is a form of work, and is appointed for obtaining the highest of all blessings." Please keep this little family in your prayers.
Love,
Grandma Cindy

I feel so blessed to have this perspective now. It has brought me peace. All my life I thought that if I prayed hard enough, lived a righteous life and had faith - all would go my way. This is not true - we have to ask, have faith and hope - but in the end we are not to change the will of the Lord. I don't know why we were only given three months with Gavin. I don't know why Heavenly Father needed him back so quickly. I don't know why I only got to be a mother as an onlooker from the sidelines. I don't know why we had watch our son suffer. I don't know why we had to make the decision we did. However, I do know that it was the Lord's will to give Gavin a body that couldn't sustain life. I know it was His will to let us give Gavin back after only three months. And with all of that suffering, anxiety and angst came a multitude of miracles and tender mercies. I still remember the day I finally realized that what I wanted for Gavin wasn't best for him - and with that realization came peace.
We may not have received the miracles we set out to ask for . . . but I recognize the miracles we did receive and those miracles are what helps me make it through days that seem too lonely and sad. Our miracle was that Gavin made it through the pregnancy and delivery. Our miracle was that we were give three months. Our miracle was that I have pictures to look at. Our miracle was that we know his personality. But mostly, our miracle was what this experience has done to change us. Not the miracles we asked for - but miracles nonetheless.

The Bambino - Week 18

I know pregnancy details aren't always interesting to other people, but for the sake of my own family history I thought I would write a little about this pregnancy and post a few pictures. We were successful in getting pictures of month one, three and four. I don't think I really even remember month two . . . I was either asleep or throwing up during that month. Ugh - that was rough. I have ended up feeling really great since about week 14 (please don't hate me all of you who never get that "okay" feeling). I never felt this good with Gavin - I was nauseous until the day I had him. It has been nice to get a little energy back this time and finally feel like I don't need to carry food with me at all times in case of an emergency. :) We truly have felt so much gratitude for this little boy that we have affectionately named "The Bambino."

The doctors appointments continue every other week and so far we are told that he looks healthy. Of course, we won't be totally convinced until that baby boy is in our arms and we are walking out of the hospital with him to go home. However, we have had a very optimistic and peaceful feeling about our little Bambino.

I really hate pregnancy pictures of me . . . especially since I seem to have doubled in size just by my fourth month - but I know it's fun for other people to look at laugh! SO, laugh away! :)

Guilt

Logical or as illogical as it may seem . . . there are things I have (and sometimes still) feel guilty about.

I remember the moment we were told that you weren't okay, and the guilt settled over me like a suffocating blanket. What did I do?

I remember leaving the hospital with an empty baby carrier.

I remember the first time I was angry with God.

I remember the first night I wasn't there to kiss you good night.

I remember the first meal I ate after you were born.

I remember the first night at home while you stayed in the hospital.

I remember pumping milk instead of feeding you like a normal mommy would.

I remember signing consents for your surgeries, procedures and blood transfusions.

I remember the first time I turned on the tv.

I remember the first time I laughed - and you weren't there.

I remember the first time I cried in front of you - I never wanted you to see me cry.

I remember the first night I came home so exhausted that I forget to call the nurse to check on you before I went to bed - I woke up at 3 am and called.

I remember the only day I didn't see you - I was on my way to SLC with Grandma Cindy to wait for your life fight arrival at PCMC.

I remember leaving the hospital to buy shoes so my feet wouldn't get so tired standing by your bed.

I remember the first prayer I uttered that I didn't beg for you to get better.

I remember the next prayer asking for understanding.

I remember praying with your daddy about what to do for you.

I remember holding you in my arms until you took your last breath.

And after . . .

I remember walking away from your new resting place.

I remember the first time I felt peace about your plan.

I remember the first time I talked about you without crying.

I remember the first time I laughed after you were gone - I never thought I would be able to laugh again.

I remember the first morning I woke up without that automatic pit in my stomach.

I remember the day I actually thought, "Maybe things are getting better."

I remember the day I realized that things would never be better.

I remember the day we found out that you would be a big brother.

I remember the first time I felt like I might be able to love another little boy the way I love you.

Guilt is such an interesting aspect of grief. I know it is normal - and I know that it is normal to feel guilty over things that I shouldn't. At the beginning of Gavin's life I woke up every single day drenched in sadness, fear and guilt. One of the most prominent thoughts I have had about grief is that there is no reasoning with it. It is illogical and individual. I know that it is illogical for me to feel guilty about leaving Gavin one afternoon at PCMC to buy comfortable shoes. But I do. It was time I could have spent with him.

I also know that with time guilt can subside and reasoning can take it's place. I tend to be really hard on myself and I am learning that there are certain aspects of life I cannot control. With that realization has come freedom and portions of happiness.

Grief is cyclical. For me, it comes in waves. Sometimes it is calm and sometimes it is like a hurricane. Sometimes I feel angry - sometimes I feel guilt - sometimes I feel sad. However, I have noticed that my anger is less often and the guilt is (for the most part) subsiding. I have to have faith that I was as good of a mother as I could be, given the circumstance. As for the sadness, it still can be overwhelming, but the days are getting better. The comfort of a loving Heavenly Father and the memories of Gavin bring me peace.

Happy REALLY Belated Birthday Matty

I admit it . . . I am a bad big sister. I dawned on me yesterday that I never did a post about my brother Matthew's birthday! Ummm, and his birthday was in JUNE! Matty is the the youngest of my siblings. He's a riot and makes me laugh all of the time. When I was pregnant with Gavin and really sick, Matty walked into the living room where I was laying on the couch and started an improv serenade with his guitar and a song about pregnancy. Thinking about a (at the time) 15 year old boy singing about pregnancy symptoms still makes me laugh. Matty's sense of humor has always been one of my favorite traits, but he also has a very sweet and compassionate side to him as well. This summer my parents' ward went on a pioneer trek for all of the youth ages 12 to 18. They were divided into families and each family was given a "baby" to take care of during their time in the northern Nevada wilderness. Apparently, Matthew became fairly attached to the baby and this picture was taken of him one evening after a long day of hiking. I thought it was so sweet that Matty would take "care" of this doll when he could easily pass it off to another person in the family. I have high hopes for my Matty. You will be a wonderful uncle, husband and father. I love you my Matty.

Gratitude

Do you ever have one of those days where life just seems a bit overwhelming? I had one of those days recently. Life just seemed like a bit much . . . too much to do and not enough time. Our insurance company isn't paying Gavin's medical bills yet and we are having to fight much more than I anticipated. But, really? A year later and we are still dealing with it? I constantly worry about the health of our new baby - and that anxiety is consuming a lot of the time. It just felt like too much for me the other day when I sat in the darkness of Gavin's room at home. I wanted to cry out of frustration. I know most of you know the kind of feeling I am talking about.

As I sat on the baseball beanbag chair we have in Gavin's room, my eyes were immediately drawn to this picture on the shelf.

The first glimpse of this picture gave me an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude. It was an immediate realization that I had so much to be grateful for. I have a son who has made that transition from this life to the next - and he is happy. What more could a mother ask for than a happy child? I have the knowledge that while I may not be able to see Gavin here, I have the opportunity to be with him again after this life. I am grateful for the knowledge and a belief system that can help me cope with losing a child and I am grateful that I have a Savior who understands all of my joys, happiness, grief, worry and anxiety. Gavin has taught me so much. I never knew that I could look back and say that I am grateful for "this." We have been given a gift of a sweet son who will always be a part of our lives. I also have been given the opportunity to make myself a better individual and I have been blessed with a more clear picture of the important things in life. Yes, there are difficult parts to this too - but I feel so much gratitude today.

Baby Bailey Is A . . .

BOY!

Today we went for another appointment with the perinatologist and we were informed that we are having another little boy! We couldn't be more excited. We decided that Gavin must be sending his best friend from heaven to join our family. I feel like such a lucky girl to have my three boys.

**** He will probably hate me in sixteen years for this . . . but here is the picture of his little peepee! ****

A Single Red Balloon

I watch that red balloon float up, up and up

A red balloon against the brilliant blue sky

I watch it until it floats so high I cannot see it

That is where you are

Red

The only color you could see

Red

The color of grandpa's tie and grandma's blouse they wore just for you

Red

The color of the daisys we bought for you the day we laid you to rest

Red

The color of cried out eyes

Red

The color of the balloon I picked to send to you

And now, it floats to heaven

I wrote a message to you on that red balloon

That message I have uttered so many times before

"Gavin - your momma is here!"

When you were here that message was whispered to comfort you

Now, I use that message as a plea

Please know your momma is here

I am here and you are there

Today I send this red balloon

I hope it gets to you

I hope you see your momma and daddy and all those who love you
I hope you know I picked this red balloon out just for you

Happy Birthday Brigg!

Our sweet little nephew turns 2 today! I can't believe how fast he is growing up. This little guy is so much fun - I am such a lucky aunt! This summer while we were at the cabin with Jason's family Brigg jumped right into the hammock where Jason and I were resting. He just laid in between us for quite awhile. It was such a special moment to have with Brigg. He is a sweet little guy. Happy Birthday Brigg! We love you!

PS - I stole this picture from his mom's blog - I thought it was just too cute.

Gavin's 1st Birthday Celebrations

Saturday July 26, 2008

We began Gavin's birthday celebrations with a dinner party and bug cupcake-cake. I just love how the night went. It was wonderful to be surrounded by family and feel Gavin's sweet spirit. We decorated for his 1st birthday with bugs - and I think it turned out so cute! It felt surreal celebrating Gavin's birthday without him here to blow out his candles - but it was wonderful to celebrate his sweet life.

Sunday July 27, 2008
We gathered with many family members and friends at the cemetery to release the 94 balloons that represented Gavin's 94 days with us. I woke up Sunday morning and then proceeded to count the minutes until 10:31am - the time Gavin was born. Being surrounded by so many loved ones really helped us get through this difficult day. I have to say, the cemetery was beautiful as we held the balloons around Gavin.

We sang Happy Birthday to Gavin and then released the balloons into the air. We watched them float right to heaven. I just imagined Gavin catching them and sharing them with his friends. (I know he must have a lot of friends . . . he is such a fun boy.) :)

When we welcomed Gavin into our family last year, I did not imagine we would be celebrating his 1st birthday this way. To say we are heartbroken is the understatement of the century. However, the time we did have with Gavin will always be the most precious and sacred 94 days of my life. We are blessed to have an angel for a son and we were granted his presence for three months and one day. Celebrating his life is an honor. Mourning his absence is the difficult part. I just can't believe how much I love this little boy. I miss him.

Later that afternoon we took the birthday basket to Valley Hospital to be given to the first boy born on Gavin's birthday. I am amazed at the response we had from so many family and friends . . . the basket was overflowing. Thank you for your support!

Walking the halls of Valley Hospital made my feet tingle and my stomach turn. It seems like we were there in a dream, but, that dream is all too real. My greatest joy and greatest heartbreak occurred walking that hallway to see Gavin for the first time. I used to imagine the day we would walk down that hallway with Gavin in our arms to go home. That day never came for us. Those dreams didn't happen the way we thought they would - but we did have beautiful days. I may not have walked my son out of the hospital, but I was there as he entered into the presence of our Savior. I was a mom who was able to walk her son right to that doorway where we had to say goodbye. To some that may seem sad - to me it is a blessing and a privilege.

So, happy birthday my sweet little Buggy Boy. You have parents who love you and we anxiously wait to see you again. That reunion will be beyond any joy we could have had here. We love you.

A Million Thank Yous

I can't wait to post pictures from Gavin's birthday celebrations - but before that I wanted to send a "thank you" to everyone who supported us this weekend. We appreciate all those who traveled to be with us, donated to Gavin's birthday basket, joined in the birthday celebrations and sent sweet birthday wishes to us. We have been so blessed to be surrounded by supportive family and friends. We love you all and thank you for your love and support.

Happy 1st Birthday Gavin

Today is our sweet baby Gavin's 1st birthday. I can't believe it has been a year! This day last year, our world was turned upside down as we welcomed our son into this world. Our lives haven't been the same since - and I never want that to change. Our little Gavin was born with numerous unexpected health issues and challenges . . . all which were incompatible with life. Today we celebrate the 94 days we spent with Gavin here on this earth, knowing that we have eternity left to spend with him. Today so many questions ran through my mind. I find that I don't ask "why" so much anymore, but I wonder what Gavin would have been like had he been a healthy and normal little boy. Would he have loved the bug themed birthday party we threw for him? Would he have run around a park with balloons? What would his favorite 1st birthday gift be? I also find myself wondering what Gavin is doing in heaven. He was a sweet and precious boy that didn't have to endure this earthly experience. He didn't need to prove himself like I do. He was valiant and strong from the beginning - and many times I feel inadequate to be his mother. His short 94 days have left an impression on my soul that will never be changed. I am forever changed because of this special little boy who was given to us this day last year.

So, Happy Birthday Gavin! You are the light of our lives. You have brought more purpose and meaning to our lives. Your mommy and daddy love you and want you to know that we are proud of you and all you have done. We had a birthday party for you last night with your grandparents, aunts and uncles. We talked about you and looked at pictures. This morning so many of us gathered to set off 94 balloons in the air to represent your amazing 94 days with us. You are a little boy who is loved by so many. Your daddy and I hope you were able to hear us sing happy birthday to you and blow out your 1st birthday candles. We miss you Bug - but we know we will see you someday, and that reunion will be so joyful. You are in our thoughts every moment of the day. Keep working hard, Gav. Happy Birthday and we love you more than you could ever imagine.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Time Traveling

These past few days and the anticipation of the weekend have been like time travel for me. I think it is pretty normal for a mom to relive the days prior to a child's birth. I have to admit, I have been feeling a little sorry for myself . . . I just didn't imagine I would I would be reminiscing without my baby boy here. The day he was born was the most difficult day of all. We were happy to have a beautiful little boy, but we were shocked, scared, sad and heartbroken with the news of his health. So, for the sake of remembering I thought I would do a little timeline of the day before and his birthday.


Thursday July 26, 2007



9:00am My brother Matt is leaving for the Boy Scout Jamboree in London and sends me a text that says, "Don't have baby while I am gone." I send a text back and say, "No worries. He won't be here for another four weeks."



9:30am I arrive at my 36 week check up with my OB. I tell him that I have noticed a difference in fetal movement since last night. He was still moving, but it wasn't quite the same.



9:45am My doctor sets me up on a non stress test to observe fetal movement in his office.



10:15am The nurse brings in a glass of juice to give the baby sugar in hopes that he will move a little more.



10:45am The baby is barely moving and the doctor tells me to go get lunch, drink something really sugary and meet him at Valley Hospital triage for more observation.



10:50am I call Jason and inform him I have to go to the hospital. He freaks. I call my mom who is at the airport with 20 boys scouts trying to get them on their international flight to London. She starts freaking out too and I say, "Mom, there is NO WAY I am having this baby today. Don't freak out."



11:30am I go to the mall and eat a Hot-Dog-On-a-Stick and order a large lemonade. I was sure food would get the baby moving.



Noon I meet Jason in the parking lot at Valley Hospital. I really wasn't worried, but I could tell Jason was nervous.



1:00pm I am hooked up to a monitor to observe the baby's movements. He is not moving at all, but he has a very strong heartbeat.



3:00pm The decided to induce contractions to see how he reacts to them and see if that will get him moving.



5:00pm The doctors discover that the baby's heartbeat is dropping every time I contract. They stop the induced contractions and we wait to hear from my OB.



6:30pm We discuss our options with my OB and he feels like the cord may be compressed and it is too much stress on the baby. A lack of oxygen could cause damage to the baby. We decided to induce labor that night.



7:00pm My mother and brother James arrived at the hospital after we call to tell them we are having the baby tonight. Jason gives me a blessing before they take me to my labor and delivery room. In the blessing he tells me that I will be bringing one of the Lord's choicest spirits to this earth. As soon as the blessing was over I asked Jason, "How special is this boy? Does he have brain damage?" They all tell me I am overreacting . . .



7:15pm My dad arrives at the hospital and takes Jason home to pack the bags and get the car seat. We are all a little nervous, but mostly excited.



8:00pm A nurse comes in with a wheelchair to take me to the labor and delivery room. My brother James pushes me down the hallway.



9:00pm My dad and Jason return with newborn outfits, a car seat and all the essentials to take a baby home. The nurse starts the pitocin.



11:00pm My family leaves the hospital knowing it will be a long night for us.

**** A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH INFORMATION COULD BE GIVEN HERE THAT I WILL SPARE YOU OF ****

Friday July 27, 2007

6:00am Jason calls my mom and asks her to come sit with me for a bit. Poor guy . . . he had been up all night with me.

6:45am My mom arrives and brings the hairbrush I requested. (I won't even begin to describe what my hair looked like.)

7:00am I actually fall asleep for a little bit with the aid of the epidural and my momma. :)

8:00am The nurse comes in to tell us that it is time to get ready to have the baby.

10:31am Our sweet baby Gavin James Bailey is born. He is silent and stretches as soon as he is laid down on the table.

10:40am They wrap Gavin in a blanket and let me hold him for a few seconds. I told him he was beautiful and that he looked just like his daddy.

10:45am The nurses took Gavin from our room to the nursery. It wasn't until Jason came back into the room that we found they took him right to the NICU.

I would love to end this story by saying that they brought Gavin back into the room, I was able to nurse him for the first time and we carried our baby boy out of the hospital a few days later to go home. But, as most of you know, that is not our story. That is not Gavin's story. Beautiful as that one may have been - our story is beautiful too.