An Answer to Prayers and A Window to My Fears

Perhaps you may think the title of this post is a contradiction or paradox. But this is the feeling in the Bailey house this week. We actually have some great news. This week I spoke with the geneticist again and my OB and they have all officially cleared us to have future children. I asked the geneticist the question, "Are you SURE?" about a million times and each time she said, "Lindsay, there is no reason to not get pregnant." Of course, as we have been told multiple times, there are no absolute guarantees in genetics but they all feel very confident that this was a one time situation. With the CHG array test that returned negative, they are pretty sure that Gavin's mutation must have been a single isolated occurrence that is too obscure to be detected. It was very exciting conversation and it is truly an answer to many, many prayers. This past week as Jason and I discussed the final word, I felt so much joy. Our future children will never replace Gavin - he will always have his momma wrapped around his finger. He will stay one of my constants throughout the rest of my earthly existence and will keep an extra special place in my heart. However, this being said, the thought of having another baby brings so much joy and so much worry. I feel like I can maybe, just maybe feel real joy again. Maybe I will get to be a mom like all of the other moms I see. It has been such an answer to prayers and we are so thrilled to have this news so quickly. We had been anticipating months if not a year of testing and wondering. We are so blessed to have had this process go swiftly.

Now to the second part of the title . . . my fears. While we are so happy to receive this news it does bring about a great amount of worry and anxiety. Since we don't know what Gavin's syndrome was, the doctors can't give us a number - meaning they can't say "you have a 1 in 100,000 chance" or "you have a 1 in 2 chance." This means our decision is going to be made solely on faith and hope. With all the excitement of thinking about a new baby, I also thought about how mentally exhausting the pregnancy will be. No test would have picked up Gavin's mutation. There was NOTHING we could have done to prevent or predict Gavin's problem. We didn't know until he was born that he had problems. So, in turn, we will worry until the day a baby is born. There will not be a moment that the thought won't be in our minds about the chance that this child may have issues comparable to Gavin. I worry I won't be able to enjoy this pregnancy the way I enjoyed Gavin's pregnancy. Things are just different now.

We are feeling such a mix of emotions. We are happy, excited, nervous and terrified. If we are able to get pregnant again it will once again be a roller coaster.