Hey Buggy!
I feel like I need to talk to you today. Last night your dad was out of town for work and I was home alone. I decided to get some things done so I went grocery shopping at Costco. As I was walking around I stopped at the table of baby clothes. I couldn't ignore the table - it's like the display was taunting me to stop and look. I stopped my cart in a daze. There was a cute little outfit that would have fit you. The 3-6 month size. It had a picture of a bulldozer on the front and it said, "Mommy Digs Me." I wanted to grab it and throw it in my cart. I just wanted to touch it, but I was frozen. I couldn't lift my eyes from the table. I stood there for a long time watching moms with little boys in their cart pick up the clothes on display. I watch them hold it up to their baby boys for measurements. I saw them throw the outfit in their cart and walk away like it was no big deal. Don't they know? Don't they know that it IS a big deal? Don't they know how lucky they are to be able to buy that piece of clothing? And, why can't I? It's not fair that I will look like I am crazy if I pick up that taunting outfit. It's not fair that even if I did get the courage to touch it, set it in my cart and buy it - I would have to pack it away when I got home. It's not fair that I don't get to look at the 9-12 month old clothes now and imagine you in them. I only see you so small, just a three month old baby boy. You were just a baby.
Gav, I cried the whole way home. I was feeling really sorry for myself. Then I heard you say, "No more crying mommy. There is happiness and hope still to be had." I felt a little bit ashamed that I was feeling so sorry for myself. I am so glad I have you to straighten me out. :) We had good times, didn't we Gav?! Your three months with us brought us so much happiness. The promises we have because of you are so amazing. I remember all of the blessing that were given to you. We are so lucky to have you.
Even though being without here is difficult, I know that you are always with me. Even though I don't have you sitting in my cart at the grocery store, I never feel that you are very far away. I am so grateful to have you as my son. You make me feel like a special momma. Thank you Gavin for always being there with me. You teach me so much. I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much. Talk to you soon buggy!
Love,
Momma
5 comments:
Lindsay,
I found your blog through another blogging friend. I hope you don't mind that I read your blog.
Wow, you are an awesome Mom. I am touched deeply by your blog. I read it, and cried through most of it. Your strength and courage uplift me daily.
I love seeing the "scrap" pages you have done of Gavin. They are so cute and he is adorable.
I too am a new Mom to a ten month old, and though I do not completely understand what you are going through, we are Mommy's and want the same things for our children!
I love how you write letters to Gavin and talk to him. That is so special and even more so that you post them for people to see.
Your faith in our Heavenly Father is proof in how you live your life and trust in Him.
Thank you for being so honest and sharing your pain with the rest of us.
Please keep posting and letting "us" know how you are doing!
Dear Princess Sanders,
Thank you for your sweet comment. You are so right - we are mommy's that want the best for our children. I am so happy you have read Gavin's story. That means so much to us. It's people like you that help encourage and strengthen us. Take care. :)
Thanks for your response. Oh, by the way Lindsay, I am collecting "pop tops" for our local Ronald McDonald House. It is the least I can do to help families who are dealing with the unthinkable.
Thanks again for being so honest and for sharing Gavin with us all.
With love,
Sharlynn
I know I say it a lot, but you really are an amazing person...in every single way. I'm so sorry that your reality now has to involve hard situations like this, and yet because of Gavin you see miracles for what they are and don't take things (like buying an outfit for your growing child) for granted. You inspire me and so many others to look beyond the moment and be better. I just love you.
The bond between you and Gavin is so special. I love that he can bring you clarity and comfort during these moments. And he is such a powerful reminder to not take our children for granted. I once heard someone say "because of you I will go home and hug my kids a little tighter." Gavin reminds me this everytime I see his beautiful face.
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